Tags: i: angst

You were never there.

You were always talking to others. You always had to talk. But you never shared anything about yourself.

Once, you told me we were friends. I just vaguely acknowledged the idea. But now, looking back, I wondered if we were ever friends.

I used to be avoidant. When you tried to come closer, I pushed you away. Now it's the other way around.

*

We never knew one another. We never really wanted to. To the other party, we were just a name. A name attached to a face; a name without a personality.

Maybe we stayed that way for some time because we liked the distance. From that distance, we are anything we want to be. We can conjure illusions that we want so badly to believe in.

We were masters of deception. We would occasionally don that beautiful white porcelain mask pretending to be someone else. We would occasionally pretend we were friends when we were lonely. But we were never lonely. We loved being alone. We loved the solitude. We loved being apathetic and hollow. It made us feel invincible and nothing could destroy us.

But illusions no matter how beautiful and enchanting, they never last. With time, the flaws were exposed and the lies were uncovered.

We unintentionally crossed boundaries. We knew more than we ought to. We pretended we knew nothing. We pushed one another away.

In our subconscious, we knew. We knew we were more than masks. Our walls were crumbling. We grasped at straws trying to mend the broken walls. We stayed away. We pretended we knew nothing. We were never hurt. We were never friends.

We were never there.