dear non-exsistant readers,
i am leaving this diary. i don't like how i write here. i don't like who i am here. i suppose i won't be missed, but maybe i will. i can't be sure. i'll post my new lj once i'm done the layout. or maybe not.. i don't know yet
yesterday i met up with two gorgeous girls, and two gorgeous boys. we laughed and caught up on 'old times' or, last month. they told us we were going to go to a haunted house. we walked through the forest until we came to a dilapidated old barn. there was graffiti covering all the walls. racist slurs and portraits of elvis adorned the walls. it was so awe-inspiring.
we thought we had seen it all, and began to leave, when we saw light filtering through broken window frames. we walked closer, and saw something even better. it was a garage filled with broken fridges and kicked in tvs and tiny shoes, and broken couches. "who lived here...?" a boy says under his breath as he walks among the wreckage. the two other girls, and other boy hang back, scared looks on their faces. i walk forward, mesmerized by the repulsive beauty of the chaos.
we walked away again, and i was still enthralled by the mystery of this place. the next building was like something from a movie. a tall, seventies modestly sized house looms on the horizon. every door and window is covered by plywood boards. there is a old swimming pool half filled with brown water and lawn chairs and broken glass. there is a thin fence lining the property, and i jump it quickly. now everyone hangs back. "hillary.. i think you should come back." "stay away from the pool!" they yell things, but i take no notice. i just stare into the murky water, and lean over the edge. they yell at me, and eventually i leave the yard, and we go on to normal teenage shit, such as sitting in the middle of nowhere trying to convince each other to make out with each other.
but for one moment i was in the middle of the end of a story. and i desperately want to know the beginning and the middle. why was there so much broken glass? why was there caution tape? why was this whole place just abandoned?
all i know, is there are some beautiful places, just beside the suburbs.
i wish you were here, not thousands of miles away. don't think i miss you. you should be so lucky. i know all the fucking shit you said about me, i'd just love to see you come clean.
i thought i could trust you. i thought you were "different" but apparently not. now i have to start all over from scratch. the last year of my life has been a complete waste of time. i wish you were brave enough to say all of this to my face. i wish i was brave enough to confront you. but i can't. i can't compromise your friendship with the girl who told me.
i wish that this had somehow turned out differently. three weeks from now, when you come back, how am i going to look you in the eye?
how can i act the same when i know what you've said? i have no fucking clue.
i wish i could capture happiness in a bottle. just bottle up the emotions i was feeling a week ago, and keep them eternally. then when i felt like this; all burnt out and depressed, i could just drink my vial of poison and be happy again. why is happiness so fleeting? why am i on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason? i need to go lie down.
best friends forever pacts DO NOT last forever. but no one is brave enough to say this outloud.
after three days of sleeping in a hotel and eating fast food, i'm back. now, for the first time all year, i don't want the school year to be over.
but those four days are going to tick by so fucking fast.
distance is so hard to bear when we are sitting two inches away.
how did we get so far apart?
i want to look into your eyes, and ask you where i went wrong, but i know you'd push me away even further.
sixteen more days, then you have no obligation to be nice to me.
we'll see then girly.