Tags: suicidal

OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....

OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....

I haven't felt this horrible, this low this sad in over 2 years! OMG its horrible and I can't take it... all i can do is cry the tears just keep coming like streams and I can't control it. I try so hard but nothing helps! I try not to let my mind think but no matter waht I do it doesn't turn off. I've tried cutting didn't do anything! All I can do is wallow in self pitty. Called my therapist to move my apt. to today but she couldnt' fit me in nice! So I see her tomorrow all I'm going to do is cry anyways. I can't sleep bc when I lay down I can't breath and all I can do is think even more! I dont know what to do anymore I really don't... suicide is creeping into my head! I can't stop thinkinga bout it I can't stop wishing that I wasn't here to feel this pain... I know it will most probably pass but I'll still be alone, I'll still be miserable, and I'll still have no lover, no friends nothing... whats teh point?? whats the point in living like this?? so i can be miserable and alone the rest of my life? No thank you! I rather be in a grave. *screams* I don't know what to do!!!!! I have no one to turn to, I have no one to hold me, to tell me it will be ok! No one to hold me... to wipe away my tears... I've never felt so isolated and so alone in all my life. I even had to take my inhaler last night because I had a panic attack. I dont know what to do! I feel like i'm going to burst into a hundrad little pieces and no one will be able to pick up the pieces... I'm sick of my mom asking me whats wrong, I'm sick of pretending to be "happy" i'm sick of being miserable! One thing good happens in my life and its ripped right out from underneath me and taken away as fast as it happened! Its not fucking fair!!! NOT FAIR! I sit here trying not to cry as a huge lump forms in my throat. I really dont know what to do so here i sit writing, hoping, and crying. I'm just hoping my body will run out of tears soon because I feel like i'm going to drawn in them if they don't stop... THe slighest thought triggers the tears... I just want to knock myself out so I don't have to think any more... I just want to shut my mind up! SHUT UP!

I'm still a.l.i.v.e if anyone cared

UGH I just made an entry and it delted! I hate LJ sometimes I really do!

Well, I'm here I know I haven't posted in over a month but I was in Disney World for 2 weeks and i've been updating my myspace and crap like that. I also got addicted to the game diner dash 2. So besides that thats what I've been doing. I didn't want to come home from disney because i hate the "real" world. When I'm there I forget how sucky my life is and how alone I really am. I'm 23 I should'nt be living like this! I have no friends and the worst thing is I have no gf... I hate being single I haven't kissed a girl or even held hand with anyone in over a year! I'm going crazy and as eash day passes alittle more of me dies. *sigh* Besides that I start school Thursday heres my Fall schedule

Monday- Painting 2- 1:40-4:40pm
Tuesday- Drawing 2- 1:40-4:40pm
Wednesday- No Class
Thursday- Graphic Design- 9:30am-12:30pm
                    Art Independent Study- 12:30- whenever
Friday- No Class

I also have advanced thesis which isn't a set day and time its when ever we need to meet... Fun Fun I graduate in 3 months and i still didn't get my grad stuff ready good job Danielle! 

Nothing new on my part I haven't been on lj as much as I use to :( I use to have so many friends here and so many comments but now I'm lucky if I get one! I guess I'm so wraped up into myspace... you can blog there you know? But I rather write in my LJ better bc I don't like so many people reading my dark thoughts...  Blah well off to play a little diner dash b4 bed... Hopefully I'll write more often! 

To top everything off Evanescence will be here on october 9th... now I would've bought tickets the DAY they came out but I didn't this time why? Becaus I have NO ONE to go with! I would've went alone if it wasn't in NYC ... but I don't want to take a train there by myself and I don't even know where it is! I'm not a city type... I hardly go in. I swear as each day goes by I kick myself even more for not staying with mary 
;( My mom always says that she thought we'd be together forever.. i have a horrible feeling i'm going to be alone forever :(  I'd rather be dead then live like this till I die naturally I swear!! I wouldn't mind so much if I actually had close friends but I don't even have that! And to think BPD's are lonely as it is but add the factor that there actually is no one in their lives and your creating a horrible situation...

When Depression HITS it hits hard!!!