Tags: sleep

Artist- Paint Smile

Lesbian Drama... SUCKS

Ok well sitting in class yesterday my friend texted me telling me that the chick that I really liked hooked up with this ugly girl Wendy. Well, that made me feel sick but the thing that made me feel even worse was Wendy's Ex-gf who she dated for years has AIDS and also gave her ex gf AIDS. So I told this chick, I wrote her a myspace message. She said it was a one time thing and she did it because she was lonely ect.. well I'm lonely to but I would never stoop to that level EVER! It makes me sad because well I dont know. I know we'll never be more then friend's ever again, even though we go to the same college but its over and done with. I was a mistake as she put it so whatever. You live and learn and move on..

On another note I don't really know, I'm just taking it day by day and all the days roll into one. I feel sick but I never go to the doctor. Blah. I just needed to vent. I lay in bed at night when I'm trying to fall asleep and I map out so many entries in here that I want to talk about and then when I finally do sit down and write I go blank. *sigh* There's no one online to talk to hench it's almost 2:40am and a school/work night but I just feel so alone. I'm not tired I woke up at 5:30pm today my sleep cycle is worse then ever and I cant' seem to do anything about it. I know its taking a big toll on my health but no matter what I do nothing works!

NEW LAYOUT! and Update!

Ok I've spent the last week or so trying to find a perfect layout. I came across this one that I have now and it wasn't working right code wise. So I just spent the last 2 hours recoding alot of it! I'm very proud of myself because HTML isn't always easy :)  I love this layout and after all these hours I'm going to be using it for a while I hope lol I just gotta finsh the side area about me section ect... but for now its almost 4:35am and I have class tomorrow thankfully at night. But My sleep cycle is still all  messed up as you can see :( I've tried every sleep med on the market and nothing works! I dont know what I'm going to do. I've tried everything. 

Nothing really knew with me, I got offered a job at my college in the art therapy office for $10.00 an hour as a Teachers Ass. for the Art Therapy professors of course lol I'm not 100% sure if I'm going to take it because after 9 months of working they would reduce or take away my SSI/SSD payments and I need them mostly because I have Medicade and they would take that way and then I wouldn't have coverage for my meds. So I do not know what I'm going to do. I have to decide by Thursday though as I'm suppose to be there THursday morning at 10am that means I would have to leave my house by 9. School is about 40 miles away from my house which is about 45 minutes to an hour. I miss my old college alot I was spoiled there every professor knew me and loved me I knew the school backwards and forwards. But everything has to come to an end and a new door must open (cough my layout).  Its rough because everyone know's each other as I'm starting in mid-year. But, I'll make friends I'm sure :) I'm nervouse and excited about this semester. The class I had Monday seem's easy but who know's he only gives papers as test's there 3 of them which is good! I have two more to go to, so we'll see what happens.

On another note, my friends are trying to find me a girl lol since I"m not doing so good at it myself :) I've made alot of personal's on many dating sites but not really any luck. Three people emailed me on math.com but since I don't have a full membership I can't read them and  dont have 20.00 a month to pay for it! Who know's it could be from gross guys lol I get alot of them on myspace leaving me messages and I alway's respond with hello I'm gay! Speaking of guy's my mom keeps saying to go back to them since I've been single for almost a year. No mom I rather be alone then with a guy, yes I don't want to be alone forever and yes that is my biggest fear right now, but I will not stoop to guys no way. *yawn* 

Well since its almost 5am now I should be going to sleep but I just wanted to give a small update on me, my life and all that jazz. Nothing to fun right now but hopefully it'll get better. I'm still dancing and I student teach saturday mornings I love it! Enough rambling for now... 

I do hope to reconect with people on this site as myspace has really taken up alot of my time and online games ect... :) But i've had LJ for ever and I dont want to leave just yet :) So I hope to meet new people and catch up with the ones that I already made!

so alone... so BORED

Today I did nothing... I was suppose to see Dee but since we aren't talking anymore well that went out of the drain... I woke up really angry and depressed today. Its sad that I never know what mood I'm going to wake up in :( Like right now its almost 2:30am and I'm still blah and now I have a headache *sigh* I did nothing al day well night since I woke up at 4:00pm then I went downstairs to get my meds and then I went back to sleep from 5-7pm woke up and layed in bed watching tv from 7-9pm then I finally decided to make dinner... and now here I sit. I've been making CD's for my car... dont know just got the urge to do that. I have to get up tomorrow to student teach dance but then I usually come home and go back to sleep. 

My therapist finally called me thursday. I haven't called her back I'm going to leave her a message to see if I can see her tomorrow or Sunday or whatever. She just said that she had alot of crap going on with her other clients and what not... I love how she just shoves me aside whatever. She's upset with me since I've spirlled down like I wanted to?? Ya I just love this fucking horrid feeling... Ya ok! This all just really sucks plain and simple it SUCKS! Just the thought of sex or kissing or watching anyone on TV kissing or what not makes me think of Dee and then it makes me think of my ex gf and then it just makes me even more depressed and lonely. Someone wrote me a comment in my last entry about revolving my happiness around other people... the thing is its been almost a year since I've been single and I don't like it! I had a year to regroup my thoughts and feelings and then I finally opened myself up to someone and then bam they fucking fuck me over in every shape way and form. and now im' right back to where i started! I just wnat someone normal and every time i think about it I just fear of being alone that much more. I dont want to spend my life alone and miserable whats the fucking point? I'm not the type of person to be happy alone I dont like being alone all the time. But people don't seem to understand this!!! Whats so hard to understand??? *sigh* I'm suppose to hang out with my Friend D and her ex gf tomorrow so we'll see how tha goes... I really wish I could turn back the clock and just fix all this shit. I wish my mind would shut off and I can forget about all this drama bull crap and i really wish I didnt wear my heart on my god damn sleeve because this always happens to me!!! Why the hell did I have to like her so damn much??? WHY??? UGH whatever... its my own damn fault! I've been putting personal's up on every website i can find for lesbians... I'm such a loser I know! I'm not desperate really I'm just lonely and I hate not having a partner to share things with... espically love and happiness ect... *sigh* 

Well I suppose thats all for now... I gotta try and sleep even though I"m not even tired blah I slept to much today! If anyone has any songs that you think I'd like please let me know I"m looking for new songs to dl. One good thing is Evanescence's new CD comes out Tuesday even thought I already have it but I want the real thing in my hand! So I look forward to that even though I'm broke... its so worth the money though! Well tahts enough babbling for tonight!