Tags: sad

I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION...

That 

1. I'm not fully depressed/suicidal until I cry! I NEVER cry and tonight I cried! I cried so hard I cuoldn't breath. and doing this while driving was not a GOOD idea! I couldn't see everything was a blur but I got home in one piece... It did take every ounce of me not to crash into a tree or drive off a birdge. Ya really emo but fuck I dont care i'm in a emo mood and everyone is allowed to be in a emo mood. I'm sick of people passing judgments just because I want to cry and feel depressed! They can pass judgment after they walk in my shoes but until then fuck them!

2. I can't watch Lesbian based story movies when I'm single... Tonight my friend D, her gf and I rented 2 movies. THe first one was Loving Annabelle well wrong choice on my part as I picked it! Not knowing I was going to turn all "emo" as the slightest thought of the movie makes tears whell in my eyes. I'm so sick of it, I'm sick of feeling like this. I"m sick of being so alone and so unwanted I can't take it anymore. It doesn't help when your friend and her gf are cuddling next to you. I can't take this anymore! I'm not watching any more Lesbian movies when I'm single I can't handle it. I'm going to be 24 and I can't fucking handle watching a movie how abnormal!!! But, its better then feeling like this! It just triggered way to much and I couldn't handle it. I also couldn't cry in front of them it wasnt' even that sad of a movie but I couldn't take it. After we watched Little Miss Sunshine which helped for the time being. They both fell asleep as soon as the movie ended I left and I cried the whole way home and now here I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel sick! 

3. no one wants me... 

4. as each year goes by things just get worse instead of better! I'm going to be 24 in 20 days and this year has sucked! 

I suppose thats it... wouldn't this be funny if this was a suicide letter lol ya not funny but hey whatever.

so alone... so BORED

Today I did nothing... I was suppose to see Dee but since we aren't talking anymore well that went out of the drain... I woke up really angry and depressed today. Its sad that I never know what mood I'm going to wake up in :( Like right now its almost 2:30am and I'm still blah and now I have a headache *sigh* I did nothing al day well night since I woke up at 4:00pm then I went downstairs to get my meds and then I went back to sleep from 5-7pm woke up and layed in bed watching tv from 7-9pm then I finally decided to make dinner... and now here I sit. I've been making CD's for my car... dont know just got the urge to do that. I have to get up tomorrow to student teach dance but then I usually come home and go back to sleep. 

My therapist finally called me thursday. I haven't called her back I'm going to leave her a message to see if I can see her tomorrow or Sunday or whatever. She just said that she had alot of crap going on with her other clients and what not... I love how she just shoves me aside whatever. She's upset with me since I've spirlled down like I wanted to?? Ya I just love this fucking horrid feeling... Ya ok! This all just really sucks plain and simple it SUCKS! Just the thought of sex or kissing or watching anyone on TV kissing or what not makes me think of Dee and then it makes me think of my ex gf and then it just makes me even more depressed and lonely. Someone wrote me a comment in my last entry about revolving my happiness around other people... the thing is its been almost a year since I've been single and I don't like it! I had a year to regroup my thoughts and feelings and then I finally opened myself up to someone and then bam they fucking fuck me over in every shape way and form. and now im' right back to where i started! I just wnat someone normal and every time i think about it I just fear of being alone that much more. I dont want to spend my life alone and miserable whats the fucking point? I'm not the type of person to be happy alone I dont like being alone all the time. But people don't seem to understand this!!! Whats so hard to understand??? *sigh* I'm suppose to hang out with my Friend D and her ex gf tomorrow so we'll see how tha goes... I really wish I could turn back the clock and just fix all this shit. I wish my mind would shut off and I can forget about all this drama bull crap and i really wish I didnt wear my heart on my god damn sleeve because this always happens to me!!! Why the hell did I have to like her so damn much??? WHY??? UGH whatever... its my own damn fault! I've been putting personal's up on every website i can find for lesbians... I'm such a loser I know! I'm not desperate really I'm just lonely and I hate not having a partner to share things with... espically love and happiness ect... *sigh* 

Well I suppose thats all for now... I gotta try and sleep even though I"m not even tired blah I slept to much today! If anyone has any songs that you think I'd like please let me know I"m looking for new songs to dl. One good thing is Evanescence's new CD comes out Tuesday even thought I already have it but I want the real thing in my hand! So I look forward to that even though I'm broke... its so worth the money though! Well tahts enough babbling for tonight!

I have NO ONE I have NOTHING!

Ok  I called my therapist twice yesterday (Tuesday) one time during the day at like 9ish and then at like 2am to leave her a message on her cell because I really needed to and wanted to see her today! Well guess what?? she didnt even call me back at all!!! I'm so angry and I'm so hurt! I called her again today and she didn't even pick up the phone... WTF??? UGH damn her! Damn everyone. I'm really upset about this bc I really wanted to talk to her. I cut again last ngiht this time I wrote "all alone" on my leg... it bled alot because it was a new razor. But it finally stopped. UGH :( I'm so tired I slept till 4pm today and I"m still so tired. I think its emotional drain I dont know. I'm just so fed up with being alone and I just can't take the lonliless. I spent like an hour looking through photobucket at icons to do with loneliness. I found alot! *sigh* 

Even last week when I told my therapist about how i was feeling all she could say was "thats the old Danielle" um ok whatever that means... ya I haven't cut in a long time! But meeting Dee made me realize what I'm missing in life... how great life could be and how happy I was when I was with her and then BAM she's ripped right away from me in a blink of an eye. Its not fair! When is it Danielle's turn to be happy? When is it MY turn to feel love and be loved??? Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so... I wasn't planning on faling for her! I just thought hey a little hang out and what not but you can't tell your heart who to fall for! I ran out of tears.. if I saved all of the tears I cried I could drawn in them... Right now I wish I didn't have feelings I wish I didn't have a heart because then I wouldn't be feeling this pain.. but its not only her! its just the fact that no one ever gives a fuck how I feel or anything. Its always about everyone else! I'm sick of being alone! I'm sick of wasting each day and watching it slip by. I can't even explain it anymore! I also saw my med doctor the other night and she also said thats the old danielle well could you fucking explain this to me?? I really wish I never met this girl because then none of this would've happened!! Stupid me... and of course I get so many messages from guys on myspace and not one girl!!! Thats always the way... guys are stupdi gross horny losers! I don't want to be alone forever and no one can predict if I am going to be but i swear if I end up 30 and all alone I rather be dead! Whats the point in living like that? whats teh point in living all by yourself having no one to go home to, no one ot hold, or kiss or love! What's the fucking point???

OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....

OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....

I haven't felt this horrible, this low this sad in over 2 years! OMG its horrible and I can't take it... all i can do is cry the tears just keep coming like streams and I can't control it. I try so hard but nothing helps! I try not to let my mind think but no matter waht I do it doesn't turn off. I've tried cutting didn't do anything! All I can do is wallow in self pitty. Called my therapist to move my apt. to today but she couldnt' fit me in nice! So I see her tomorrow all I'm going to do is cry anyways. I can't sleep bc when I lay down I can't breath and all I can do is think even more! I dont know what to do anymore I really don't... suicide is creeping into my head! I can't stop thinkinga bout it I can't stop wishing that I wasn't here to feel this pain... I know it will most probably pass but I'll still be alone, I'll still be miserable, and I'll still have no lover, no friends nothing... whats teh point?? whats the point in living like this?? so i can be miserable and alone the rest of my life? No thank you! I rather be in a grave. *screams* I don't know what to do!!!!! I have no one to turn to, I have no one to hold me, to tell me it will be ok! No one to hold me... to wipe away my tears... I've never felt so isolated and so alone in all my life. I even had to take my inhaler last night because I had a panic attack. I dont know what to do! I feel like i'm going to burst into a hundrad little pieces and no one will be able to pick up the pieces... I'm sick of my mom asking me whats wrong, I'm sick of pretending to be "happy" i'm sick of being miserable! One thing good happens in my life and its ripped right out from underneath me and taken away as fast as it happened! Its not fucking fair!!! NOT FAIR! I sit here trying not to cry as a huge lump forms in my throat. I really dont know what to do so here i sit writing, hoping, and crying. I'm just hoping my body will run out of tears soon because I feel like i'm going to drawn in them if they don't stop... THe slighest thought triggers the tears... I just want to knock myself out so I don't have to think any more... I just want to shut my mind up! SHUT UP!