Tags: lesbian

Angelina Jolie *Lesbian*

My Advice To YOU!

Never fall in love with a girl that isn't ready to commit to you.

Never give your heart away when they aren't ready to commit to you.

You'll only be left standing there asking yourself questions and questioning yourself, "am I not good enough" "what do they want that I can't give?"

So I sit here tonight pondering these questions over and over inside my head.

She say's she's not ready to commit and I respect that.

She say's she's never be single... and now I know why! Because she is so amazing, loving caring and the best thing to come into my life!

The thought of losing her drives me mad, but I have to let nature take's it's course and hope for the best...

I just hope...

 that in the end I will be the one...

to win her heart.

to hold her heart in the palm of my hand and protect it from this cruel world.

I will be the only one that she wakes up to every morning and goes to sleep with every night.

I will be the only one she says that she loves and misses and wants.

I will be the only lips she kisses and the only heart she hears next to hers.

I will be the only person she holds.

But, for right now all I can do is hope and wait.... I'll wait the rest of my life if I have to because she is the one.

She is the soulmate for me, my love, my happiness.

When I am with her I feel whole, happy and calm. I love being with her and the moment I leave I miss her!

You may call it puppy love, but I've been around the block way to many times and I know that this is WAY more then puppy love!

So my advice to you is, wait... wait for the one even if it makes your heartache with the thought of someone else touching, kissing and holding your baby.

Tap Dancer

I'm Still Alive lol

I haven't writen in here in god know's how long it's just been so crazy! My first semester of graduate school has come to an end and I did very well. I don't know my grades yet but you can't get anything lower then a B or you have to take the class again and pay for it so I better of gotten at least a B! It all depends on my final paper and tests, I'm not sure when this college posts grades though. As first year students you have to meet with your professors and the feedback I got was that my papers have gotten alot stronger, but the neg was that I am to quiet in class. I need to participate in the discussions more. If and when my bill gets taken care of I will be taking 3-4 classes this summer and then 3 in the fall. They have me down for graduating in December 2008. That's so close its scary! Were trying to get the condo ready to put up for sale so we can move and pay off our debt! I wish I could pay off all of mine, but its not my money to take lol I've also been very involved in dance because the recital is in about 5 weeks and that's a scary thought. Tomorrow is our dance pictures, our recital is June 16th and there is no way I'm ready lol I'm planning on joining weight watchers I'm sick of being plus size, I'm not sure if and how much weight I'll lose but anything is better then being my size in clothing. I mean I do good with finding clothes but I'm not healthy *hench my period lasting 15 weeks* and no girl wants me :( I haven't had a date since September, haven't kissed or held anyone since September and Its driving me crazy. I'm sick of doing everything by myself, I want someone to go shopping with, to get some dinner with, relax at the beach and watch the sunset. These are all things that I'm craving so badly lately maybe because I just turned 24 and I'm afraid I'm going to be alone forever I Just can't take it! I've been single long enough and taken care of me, now its time to share my love and life with someone and there's no one!! I feel like I'm at a dead end with the relationship aspect of my life and its driving me insane. I feel really hard for this girl in my program at school, but she's of course straight :( I always wonder if a guy would want me... All i know is that my heart is aching for the touch of another women. It's not fair everyone deserves to be loved, so why can't someone love me??

I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION...

That 

1. I'm not fully depressed/suicidal until I cry! I NEVER cry and tonight I cried! I cried so hard I cuoldn't breath. and doing this while driving was not a GOOD idea! I couldn't see everything was a blur but I got home in one piece... It did take every ounce of me not to crash into a tree or drive off a birdge. Ya really emo but fuck I dont care i'm in a emo mood and everyone is allowed to be in a emo mood. I'm sick of people passing judgments just because I want to cry and feel depressed! They can pass judgment after they walk in my shoes but until then fuck them!

2. I can't watch Lesbian based story movies when I'm single... Tonight my friend D, her gf and I rented 2 movies. THe first one was Loving Annabelle well wrong choice on my part as I picked it! Not knowing I was going to turn all "emo" as the slightest thought of the movie makes tears whell in my eyes. I'm so sick of it, I'm sick of feeling like this. I"m sick of being so alone and so unwanted I can't take it anymore. It doesn't help when your friend and her gf are cuddling next to you. I can't take this anymore! I'm not watching any more Lesbian movies when I'm single I can't handle it. I'm going to be 24 and I can't fucking handle watching a movie how abnormal!!! But, its better then feeling like this! It just triggered way to much and I couldn't handle it. I also couldn't cry in front of them it wasnt' even that sad of a movie but I couldn't take it. After we watched Little Miss Sunshine which helped for the time being. They both fell asleep as soon as the movie ended I left and I cried the whole way home and now here I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel sick! 

3. no one wants me... 

4. as each year goes by things just get worse instead of better! I'm going to be 24 in 20 days and this year has sucked! 

I suppose thats it... wouldn't this be funny if this was a suicide letter lol ya not funny but hey whatever.

Update... Nothing Special

Well, I was having major computer prolems once again. I had to restore the factory savings and wipe out the whole C drive. Took about two nights to get it all finshed. I've been meaning to update, but I just haven't had alot of time nor the energy to write. Alot has been going on with me physically now more then mentally. School is amazing but ALOT of work! I got a 90% on my first Graduate Test and a B on my fist paper. We are alowed to resbumit it if we want a better grade and that is what i'll be working on this weekend! I had a test last night and one tonight *cough it's 5am* I just finshed studying. Hm well I need to see a doctor like YESTERDAY! I've had my period now for 4 weeks and I just can't sleep. I've tried EVERY sleep med over the counter and RX and none have worked for me. I know there' something def wrong with me but I'm just really scared to find out what it is! It's scary but I know it needs to be done! I found a few that take my insurance so I just have to call them. I know somethings wrong wtih me becaue my body doesn't heal common cuts like I got a cut on my finger from my own finger nail and its been a week and still red and just scabed. My immune system is shut I know that much. My sleep cycle is all messed up and I feel like shit physically. But, it takes away from the mental crap even though these day's tehre hasn't been much mental going on which is great. Um my sister is preg. and she is having another boy. SHe wasn't to happy about that, but that's life lol. Um were getting our townhouse ready to put up for sale. We need to sell so we can pay off our debt my mom and I are in over our head's with debt. It's a huge stress that we both don't need right now as she's not physically well either. I'm having Disney World withdrawls but my mom promised we can go when we sell our house! My Undergrad graduation is coming up it's in May and I'm pretty excited about that, I'm thinking if I want to have a small type party but i'm not 100% sure because I dont think my fam will come even though im' the first to graduate from undergrad and the first one in my family in garduate school. I also dont have alot of friend to invite but we'll see as its not till the end of May. June is a busy month for everyone though so I dont know when we'd do it. Hmm I don't think there's much else going on right now besides the physical crap and the business of school. I've been trying to go out on teh weekend's as much as possible as my social life was at a stand still for a few months but its getting back on track. I do have a crush on a girl but she like's boy type girls so that doesn't help me, but she's in my "group" of friends and so we'll see what happens down the line. Right now I'm not even to worried about finding someone, if someone is out here then they will find me. Everyone said to stop looking as it won't happen. Yes I dont like being "alone" and yes i miss being with someone physically, sexually and all that jazz but you can't make someone appear out of thin air you know? Shrugs we'll see what happens. People just started asking me if I found someone, it has been a year since Mary adn I broke up.. I can't believe its a year, At times it feel's like it was just yesterday and at other time's it feel's like it was years ago! This fall I might be starting my first internship i'm excited and nervouse at the same time. I really need to fix myself physically before I can do anything. I guess that's about it for today as I should be sleeping! I have to be at school earlier tomorrow so I can take my test. I get extra time so i go earlier then the norm time. So instead of being there at 5:30 I gotta be there by 4:30pm. The drive is really a killer though! It's 45-60 minutes away. THe drive there is the stress because I'm always running late. Thank god its only 3 days a week right now. 30 miles one way is alot ! But I have no choice! 

I have a few new pic's I took a few week's ago I'll post them haha

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Well, that's it! Thanks for reading :)

I Came To The Conclusion!

that if your fat and ugly like me then 10 times out of 10 you'll be alone till the day you die! and then add in the fact that your a lesbian and were you live has little to know girls!!! I'm so fucking sick of being alone... I'm so fuckign sick of having no one ti love me and having no one to love. As each day goes by I get more and more depressed about it! I've had it, I've had it with living like this. I wish I could fast forward time and see if its going to be like this forever bc then I would see if its even fucking worth living anymore. I cant' live like this anymore and I can't stand the fact that my mom has to keep telling me that I'm alone and that my sister was married at my age and almost pregnant! HELLO MOM I KNOW! UGH *sigh* Fuck all the fucking skinny,pretty girls its not fucking fair! I cant' even bare to look in the fucking mirror anymore. Even if I lost weight I'd still be ugly! UGh just UGH!
Artist- Paint Smile

Lesbian Drama... SUCKS

Ok well sitting in class yesterday my friend texted me telling me that the chick that I really liked hooked up with this ugly girl Wendy. Well, that made me feel sick but the thing that made me feel even worse was Wendy's Ex-gf who she dated for years has AIDS and also gave her ex gf AIDS. So I told this chick, I wrote her a myspace message. She said it was a one time thing and she did it because she was lonely ect.. well I'm lonely to but I would never stoop to that level EVER! It makes me sad because well I dont know. I know we'll never be more then friend's ever again, even though we go to the same college but its over and done with. I was a mistake as she put it so whatever. You live and learn and move on..

On another note I don't really know, I'm just taking it day by day and all the days roll into one. I feel sick but I never go to the doctor. Blah. I just needed to vent. I lay in bed at night when I'm trying to fall asleep and I map out so many entries in here that I want to talk about and then when I finally do sit down and write I go blank. *sigh* There's no one online to talk to hench it's almost 2:40am and a school/work night but I just feel so alone. I'm not tired I woke up at 5:30pm today my sleep cycle is worse then ever and I cant' seem to do anything about it. I know its taking a big toll on my health but no matter what I do nothing works!
Evanescence

The L Word... & Rambling

Well I just did my side bar just used mostly things from my myspace easier and saved time :) I might change it but for now it'll do. The next step is my profile area but one step at a time. I finally been watching the L Word season 3 i've been actually staying up till around 6:30am watching it! I'm almost done I have 5 more ep. to go! But I'm not watching it tonight after I write this then off to bed since its already 4:30am again! I swear having insomina sucks! It's so unhealthy and I've tried everything I just can't seem to change my sleep clock :( I don't have showtime so I looked on you tube for the L Word season 4 and I found the first 2 ep I'm so excited but I have to first finsh season 3 lol but now I know i have that to look forward to. I kind of know what happens from my friends though! They change actress to fast for my liking but I'm just grateful Helena and Shane are still on they are my fav :) After them comes Carmen and Alice. Ok enough about the L word lol First week down at grad school its a lot like under grad your just taking classes in your area. I really miss my old college alot its so different. And like I siad in my other post every one knows each other and I feel very left out but hopefully i'll make friends. THey are very clicky! But right now I'm just focusing on passing as you can't get anything lower then a B in every class! I'm nervouse for that. My class I have on Monday's there's no tests just papers and if you dont like your grade you can redo them. My Group class seems' fun and kind of easy its alot like group dynamics which I had in undergrad and I'm taking Abnormal again they just use a fancy name for it. This is honestly my 4th time taking it! Once at my first college and since they didnt transfer it I took it again at my other college but I droped out the first time I took it but it was almost half way into the semester and then I took again last summer and now again! But I dont mind because its my favorite psyc class I love the abnormal area being I'm abnormal lmao. i haven't spoken to my therapist in almost 2 weeks i'm not happy about that. I finally see my med doc on saturday so thats good not like she's gonna change anything lol. I'm suppose to meet a girl Saturday that my friend is setting me up with but i'm not sure its 100% yet didnt talk to her tonight. So we'll see what happens. :) I'm nervouse but excited as i'm ready for a relationship as its been forever and a day and watching the L word that will do it to you lol seeing all those hot girls it drives a lesbian nuts haha. Feel free to friend me on myspace if you want! THe link is my website! Today was one of those days were everything goes wrong lol. I woke up late for class didnt hear my alarm and then I had to speed there in the traffic I swear no one knows how to drive. I"m not liking this drive but i have no choice. I finally get to class and I have dance Thursday nights at 8:30 well he let us out late great! I then had to run to the book store and made sure I had enough money for them, I didn't get one of them but I had to get them tonight since I'm not there again til Monday and I have hw to do. It was then 8:40pm when I left teh college and I knew I was low on gas but I said ah I'll worry about it after dance, well on my way there almost there my gas light goes on and I get very nervouse as my gas tank is very small. So I got ouff at the first exit and I didnt know were I was. I couldn't find any to be found I drove around there for about 5 minutes and then got back onto the highway. Well I then got off the next exit and I finally found a gas station but I first drove up it was out of order, then the next one was diesel so i drove around to the other side and i was walking to pay when I saw it had no handle to pump the gas I was so mad lol I was still trying to make dance at this point, but I soon gave up. I finally got my gas and then I got lost again trying to get onto the highway and I ended up near Pilgrim state in the pitch darkness lol. It was a very eventful night you may say but I was so happy to finally be home. The next stress is meeting with the finical aid people to get money for school. I need to see other options as I found out the college is alot of money! I knew it was going to be Hofstra the other college I could've went to is even more. But, thats life! 

I suppose thats it for tonight i'm gonna go try and get some sleep. I have alot of reading to do this weekend. And now that my hands are about to break off i'm saying good night!

<3 Danielle

NEW LAYOUT! and Update!

Ok I've spent the last week or so trying to find a perfect layout. I came across this one that I have now and it wasn't working right code wise. So I just spent the last 2 hours recoding alot of it! I'm very proud of myself because HTML isn't always easy :)  I love this layout and after all these hours I'm going to be using it for a while I hope lol I just gotta finsh the side area about me section ect... but for now its almost 4:35am and I have class tomorrow thankfully at night. But My sleep cycle is still all  messed up as you can see :( I've tried every sleep med on the market and nothing works! I dont know what I'm going to do. I've tried everything. 

Nothing really knew with me, I got offered a job at my college in the art therapy office for $10.00 an hour as a Teachers Ass. for the Art Therapy professors of course lol I'm not 100% sure if I'm going to take it because after 9 months of working they would reduce or take away my SSI/SSD payments and I need them mostly because I have Medicade and they would take that way and then I wouldn't have coverage for my meds. So I do not know what I'm going to do. I have to decide by Thursday though as I'm suppose to be there THursday morning at 10am that means I would have to leave my house by 9. School is about 40 miles away from my house which is about 45 minutes to an hour. I miss my old college alot I was spoiled there every professor knew me and loved me I knew the school backwards and forwards. But everything has to come to an end and a new door must open (cough my layout).  Its rough because everyone know's each other as I'm starting in mid-year. But, I'll make friends I'm sure :) I'm nervouse and excited about this semester. The class I had Monday seem's easy but who know's he only gives papers as test's there 3 of them which is good! I have two more to go to, so we'll see what happens.

On another note, my friends are trying to find me a girl lol since I"m not doing so good at it myself :) I've made alot of personal's on many dating sites but not really any luck. Three people emailed me on math.com but since I don't have a full membership I can't read them and  dont have 20.00 a month to pay for it! Who know's it could be from gross guys lol I get alot of them on myspace leaving me messages and I alway's respond with hello I'm gay! Speaking of guy's my mom keeps saying to go back to them since I've been single for almost a year. No mom I rather be alone then with a guy, yes I don't want to be alone forever and yes that is my biggest fear right now, but I will not stoop to guys no way. *yawn* 

Well since its almost 5am now I should be going to sleep but I just wanted to give a small update on me, my life and all that jazz. Nothing to fun right now but hopefully it'll get better. I'm still dancing and I student teach saturday mornings I love it! Enough rambling for now... 

I do hope to reconect with people on this site as myspace has really taken up alot of my time and online games ect... :) But i've had LJ for ever and I dont want to leave just yet :) So I hope to meet new people and catch up with the ones that I already made!

so alone... so BORED

Today I did nothing... I was suppose to see Dee but since we aren't talking anymore well that went out of the drain... I woke up really angry and depressed today. Its sad that I never know what mood I'm going to wake up in :( Like right now its almost 2:30am and I'm still blah and now I have a headache *sigh* I did nothing al day well night since I woke up at 4:00pm then I went downstairs to get my meds and then I went back to sleep from 5-7pm woke up and layed in bed watching tv from 7-9pm then I finally decided to make dinner... and now here I sit. I've been making CD's for my car... dont know just got the urge to do that. I have to get up tomorrow to student teach dance but then I usually come home and go back to sleep. 

My therapist finally called me thursday. I haven't called her back I'm going to leave her a message to see if I can see her tomorrow or Sunday or whatever. She just said that she had alot of crap going on with her other clients and what not... I love how she just shoves me aside whatever. She's upset with me since I've spirlled down like I wanted to?? Ya I just love this fucking horrid feeling... Ya ok! This all just really sucks plain and simple it SUCKS! Just the thought of sex or kissing or watching anyone on TV kissing or what not makes me think of Dee and then it makes me think of my ex gf and then it just makes me even more depressed and lonely. Someone wrote me a comment in my last entry about revolving my happiness around other people... the thing is its been almost a year since I've been single and I don't like it! I had a year to regroup my thoughts and feelings and then I finally opened myself up to someone and then bam they fucking fuck me over in every shape way and form. and now im' right back to where i started! I just wnat someone normal and every time i think about it I just fear of being alone that much more. I dont want to spend my life alone and miserable whats the fucking point? I'm not the type of person to be happy alone I dont like being alone all the time. But people don't seem to understand this!!! Whats so hard to understand??? *sigh* I'm suppose to hang out with my Friend D and her ex gf tomorrow so we'll see how tha goes... I really wish I could turn back the clock and just fix all this shit. I wish my mind would shut off and I can forget about all this drama bull crap and i really wish I didnt wear my heart on my god damn sleeve because this always happens to me!!! Why the hell did I have to like her so damn much??? WHY??? UGH whatever... its my own damn fault! I've been putting personal's up on every website i can find for lesbians... I'm such a loser I know! I'm not desperate really I'm just lonely and I hate not having a partner to share things with... espically love and happiness ect... *sigh* 

Well I suppose thats all for now... I gotta try and sleep even though I"m not even tired blah I slept to much today! If anyone has any songs that you think I'd like please let me know I"m looking for new songs to dl. One good thing is Evanescence's new CD comes out Tuesday even thought I already have it but I want the real thing in my hand! So I look forward to that even though I'm broke... its so worth the money though! Well tahts enough babbling for tonight!

I have NO ONE I have NOTHING!

Ok  I called my therapist twice yesterday (Tuesday) one time during the day at like 9ish and then at like 2am to leave her a message on her cell because I really needed to and wanted to see her today! Well guess what?? she didnt even call me back at all!!! I'm so angry and I'm so hurt! I called her again today and she didn't even pick up the phone... WTF??? UGH damn her! Damn everyone. I'm really upset about this bc I really wanted to talk to her. I cut again last ngiht this time I wrote "all alone" on my leg... it bled alot because it was a new razor. But it finally stopped. UGH :( I'm so tired I slept till 4pm today and I"m still so tired. I think its emotional drain I dont know. I'm just so fed up with being alone and I just can't take the lonliless. I spent like an hour looking through photobucket at icons to do with loneliness. I found alot! *sigh* 

Even last week when I told my therapist about how i was feeling all she could say was "thats the old Danielle" um ok whatever that means... ya I haven't cut in a long time! But meeting Dee made me realize what I'm missing in life... how great life could be and how happy I was when I was with her and then BAM she's ripped right away from me in a blink of an eye. Its not fair! When is it Danielle's turn to be happy? When is it MY turn to feel love and be loved??? Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so... I wasn't planning on faling for her! I just thought hey a little hang out and what not but you can't tell your heart who to fall for! I ran out of tears.. if I saved all of the tears I cried I could drawn in them... Right now I wish I didn't have feelings I wish I didn't have a heart because then I wouldn't be feeling this pain.. but its not only her! its just the fact that no one ever gives a fuck how I feel or anything. Its always about everyone else! I'm sick of being alone! I'm sick of wasting each day and watching it slip by. I can't even explain it anymore! I also saw my med doctor the other night and she also said thats the old danielle well could you fucking explain this to me?? I really wish I never met this girl because then none of this would've happened!! Stupid me... and of course I get so many messages from guys on myspace and not one girl!!! Thats always the way... guys are stupdi gross horny losers! I don't want to be alone forever and no one can predict if I am going to be but i swear if I end up 30 and all alone I rather be dead! Whats the point in living like that? whats teh point in living all by yourself having no one to go home to, no one ot hold, or kiss or love! What's the fucking point???