Tags: depressed

Angelina Jolie *Lesbian*

Tired.. Don't Feel Good.. Stressed :(

Well school is almost over this semester can't belive it! It's over beginning of May but after Spring break which is next week we only have about 4 weeks left. I have alot to do in these short few weeks left. Papers, finals, and more papers. The end of the semester always creep's up so fast but it's like bam you have tons 2 do that you left for the last minute lol thats me! Always the last minute. I'm really tired today and feel really emotionally drained for some reason. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I've had my period for six weeks! I need to go on birth control but I just haven't called up a gyno to make an apt. I also need to get a new gyno so it's going to be annoying since they dont know my history ect. And to go in with a period its just gross. Blah. Next week is finally Spring break but I have nothing planned but school work. I also have to try and get more things done around the townhouse so we can put it up for sale as were moving. Were I have no idea! I do plan on moving to florida after I graduate grad school. I'm done with NY there's nothing here for me, I hate the snow and the cold and I need a change I think. Maybe I'll meet a girl there *cough ya right* but you never know. I gave up looking for someone came to the conclusion that I'll most probably be alone forever mabye I'll just be with a man like WIll and Grace lol I dont want to be alone I really don't but you can't make someone want you, you know? It seem's that now a day's everyone has a gf but me, I'm always the other wheel. THe 3rd wheel, 5th wheel and so on, its not fun I'll tell you that much. I just watched the L word season finale and I cried, I cried because it's the last one lol and also bc it gets me thinking about my own life. I am so sick of being alone, watching my life past me by and having no one in it. I hardly see my friend's these day's as they are always in a "mood" I also have no money to do anything which doesn't help. My head is pounding right now :( Blah If anyone has anyone in mind I can meet please let me know lol I always wonder if I was skinny would i still be alone? I really want a lap band, I've been looking into it again. My health is so bad though they would most probably never clear me for surgery. With having my period for 6 weeks, not sleeping right, my spleen has been inflamed, and so on... My life is so boring right now its like at a boring stage, Ya I'm in grad school but that's about it. THese are the "best" years of our life ya right! My life was alot better when I was younger and I thought it was bad then, if only i knew what it would be today! I would probably of done things differently. Its really strange how back then I had a lot of girls emaling me, meeting them ect. There was one time in my life (age 19) I met a different girl on a date once a week! Now I haven't met anyone since Dee and that was like September. Like I said I've given up, but there is only so long someone can be alone! Were a world that we need other's, we need to be loved and feel loved and have a meaningful relationship. Oh well... I guess were not all here to be loved and to have someone to love...

I have NO ONE I have NOTHING!

Ok  I called my therapist twice yesterday (Tuesday) one time during the day at like 9ish and then at like 2am to leave her a message on her cell because I really needed to and wanted to see her today! Well guess what?? she didnt even call me back at all!!! I'm so angry and I'm so hurt! I called her again today and she didn't even pick up the phone... WTF??? UGH damn her! Damn everyone. I'm really upset about this bc I really wanted to talk to her. I cut again last ngiht this time I wrote "all alone" on my leg... it bled alot because it was a new razor. But it finally stopped. UGH :( I'm so tired I slept till 4pm today and I"m still so tired. I think its emotional drain I dont know. I'm just so fed up with being alone and I just can't take the lonliless. I spent like an hour looking through photobucket at icons to do with loneliness. I found alot! *sigh* 

Even last week when I told my therapist about how i was feeling all she could say was "thats the old Danielle" um ok whatever that means... ya I haven't cut in a long time! But meeting Dee made me realize what I'm missing in life... how great life could be and how happy I was when I was with her and then BAM she's ripped right away from me in a blink of an eye. Its not fair! When is it Danielle's turn to be happy? When is it MY turn to feel love and be loved??? Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so... I wasn't planning on faling for her! I just thought hey a little hang out and what not but you can't tell your heart who to fall for! I ran out of tears.. if I saved all of the tears I cried I could drawn in them... Right now I wish I didn't have feelings I wish I didn't have a heart because then I wouldn't be feeling this pain.. but its not only her! its just the fact that no one ever gives a fuck how I feel or anything. Its always about everyone else! I'm sick of being alone! I'm sick of wasting each day and watching it slip by. I can't even explain it anymore! I also saw my med doctor the other night and she also said thats the old danielle well could you fucking explain this to me?? I really wish I never met this girl because then none of this would've happened!! Stupid me... and of course I get so many messages from guys on myspace and not one girl!!! Thats always the way... guys are stupdi gross horny losers! I don't want to be alone forever and no one can predict if I am going to be but i swear if I end up 30 and all alone I rather be dead! Whats the point in living like that? whats teh point in living all by yourself having no one to go home to, no one ot hold, or kiss or love! What's the fucking point???

OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....

OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....

I haven't felt this horrible, this low this sad in over 2 years! OMG its horrible and I can't take it... all i can do is cry the tears just keep coming like streams and I can't control it. I try so hard but nothing helps! I try not to let my mind think but no matter waht I do it doesn't turn off. I've tried cutting didn't do anything! All I can do is wallow in self pitty. Called my therapist to move my apt. to today but she couldnt' fit me in nice! So I see her tomorrow all I'm going to do is cry anyways. I can't sleep bc when I lay down I can't breath and all I can do is think even more! I dont know what to do anymore I really don't... suicide is creeping into my head! I can't stop thinkinga bout it I can't stop wishing that I wasn't here to feel this pain... I know it will most probably pass but I'll still be alone, I'll still be miserable, and I'll still have no lover, no friends nothing... whats teh point?? whats the point in living like this?? so i can be miserable and alone the rest of my life? No thank you! I rather be in a grave. *screams* I don't know what to do!!!!! I have no one to turn to, I have no one to hold me, to tell me it will be ok! No one to hold me... to wipe away my tears... I've never felt so isolated and so alone in all my life. I even had to take my inhaler last night because I had a panic attack. I dont know what to do! I feel like i'm going to burst into a hundrad little pieces and no one will be able to pick up the pieces... I'm sick of my mom asking me whats wrong, I'm sick of pretending to be "happy" i'm sick of being miserable! One thing good happens in my life and its ripped right out from underneath me and taken away as fast as it happened! Its not fucking fair!!! NOT FAIR! I sit here trying not to cry as a huge lump forms in my throat. I really dont know what to do so here i sit writing, hoping, and crying. I'm just hoping my body will run out of tears soon because I feel like i'm going to drawn in them if they don't stop... THe slighest thought triggers the tears... I just want to knock myself out so I don't have to think any more... I just want to shut my mind up! SHUT UP!

I'm still a.l.i.v.e if anyone cared

UGH I just made an entry and it delted! I hate LJ sometimes I really do!

Well, I'm here I know I haven't posted in over a month but I was in Disney World for 2 weeks and i've been updating my myspace and crap like that. I also got addicted to the game diner dash 2. So besides that thats what I've been doing. I didn't want to come home from disney because i hate the "real" world. When I'm there I forget how sucky my life is and how alone I really am. I'm 23 I should'nt be living like this! I have no friends and the worst thing is I have no gf... I hate being single I haven't kissed a girl or even held hand with anyone in over a year! I'm going crazy and as eash day passes alittle more of me dies. *sigh* Besides that I start school Thursday heres my Fall schedule

Monday- Painting 2- 1:40-4:40pm
Tuesday- Drawing 2- 1:40-4:40pm
Wednesday- No Class
Thursday- Graphic Design- 9:30am-12:30pm
                    Art Independent Study- 12:30- whenever
Friday- No Class

I also have advanced thesis which isn't a set day and time its when ever we need to meet... Fun Fun I graduate in 3 months and i still didn't get my grad stuff ready good job Danielle! 

Nothing new on my part I haven't been on lj as much as I use to :( I use to have so many friends here and so many comments but now I'm lucky if I get one! I guess I'm so wraped up into myspace... you can blog there you know? But I rather write in my LJ better bc I don't like so many people reading my dark thoughts...  Blah well off to play a little diner dash b4 bed... Hopefully I'll write more often! 

To top everything off Evanescence will be here on october 9th... now I would've bought tickets the DAY they came out but I didn't this time why? Becaus I have NO ONE to go with! I would've went alone if it wasn't in NYC ... but I don't want to take a train there by myself and I don't even know where it is! I'm not a city type... I hardly go in. I swear as each day goes by I kick myself even more for not staying with mary 
;( My mom always says that she thought we'd be together forever.. i have a horrible feeling i'm going to be alone forever :(  I'd rather be dead then live like this till I die naturally I swear!! I wouldn't mind so much if I actually had close friends but I don't even have that! And to think BPD's are lonely as it is but add the factor that there actually is no one in their lives and your creating a horrible situation...

When Depression HITS it hits hard!!!