1. I'm not fully depressed/suicidal until I cry! I NEVER cry and tonight I cried! I cried so hard I cuoldn't breath. and doing this while driving was not a GOOD idea! I couldn't see everything was a blur but I got home in one piece... It did take every ounce of me not to crash into a tree or drive off a birdge. Ya really emo but fuck I dont care i'm in a emo mood and everyone is allowed to be in a emo mood. I'm sick of people passing judgments just because I want to cry and feel depressed! They can pass judgment after they walk in my shoes but until then fuck them!
2. I can't watch Lesbian based story movies when I'm single... Tonight my friend D, her gf and I rented 2 movies. THe first one was Loving Annabelle well wrong choice on my part as I picked it! Not knowing I was going to turn all "emo" as the slightest thought of the movie makes tears whell in my eyes. I'm so sick of it, I'm sick of feeling like this. I"m sick of being so alone and so unwanted I can't take it anymore. It doesn't help when your friend and her gf are cuddling next to you. I can't take this anymore! I'm not watching any more Lesbian movies when I'm single I can't handle it. I'm going to be 24 and I can't fucking handle watching a movie how abnormal!!! But, its better then feeling like this! It just triggered way to much and I couldn't handle it. I also couldn't cry in front of them it wasnt' even that sad of a movie but I couldn't take it. After we watched Little Miss Sunshine which helped for the time being. They both fell asleep as soon as the movie ended I left and I cried the whole way home and now here I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel sick!
3. no one wants me...
4. as each year goes by things just get worse instead of better! I'm going to be 24 in 20 days and this year has sucked!
I suppose thats it... wouldn't this be funny if this was a suicide letter lol ya not funny but hey whatever.
Well school is almost over this semester can't belive it! It's over beginning of May but after Spring break which is next week we only have about 4 weeks left. I have alot to do in these short few weeks left. Papers, finals, and more papers. The end of the semester always creep's up so fast but it's like bam you have tons 2 do that you left for the last minute lol thats me! Always the last minute. I'm really tired today and feel really emotionally drained for some reason. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I've had my period for six weeks! I need to go on birth control but I just haven't called up a gyno to make an apt. I also need to get a new gyno so it's going to be annoying since they dont know my history ect. And to go in with a period its just gross. Blah. Next week is finally Spring break but I have nothing planned but school work. I also have to try and get more things done around the townhouse so we can put it up for sale as were moving. Were I have no idea! I do plan on moving to florida after I graduate grad school. I'm done with NY there's nothing here for me, I hate the snow and the cold and I need a change I think. Maybe I'll meet a girl there *cough ya right* but you never know. I gave up looking for someone came to the conclusion that I'll most probably be alone forever mabye I'll just be with a man like WIll and Grace lol I dont want to be alone I really don't but you can't make someone want you, you know? It seem's that now a day's everyone has a gf but me, I'm always the other wheel. THe 3rd wheel, 5th wheel and so on, its not fun I'll tell you that much. I just watched the L word season finale and I cried, I cried because it's the last one lol and also bc it gets me thinking about my own life. I am so sick of being alone, watching my life past me by and having no one in it. I hardly see my friend's these day's as they are always in a "mood" I also have no money to do anything which doesn't help. My head is pounding right now :( Blah If anyone has anyone in mind I can meet please let me know lol I always wonder if I was skinny would i still be alone? I really want a lap band, I've been looking into it again. My health is so bad though they would most probably never clear me for surgery. With having my period for 6 weeks, not sleeping right, my spleen has been inflamed, and so on... My life is so boring right now its like at a boring stage, Ya I'm in grad school but that's about it. THese are the "best" years of our life ya right! My life was alot better when I was younger and I thought it was bad then, if only i knew what it would be today! I would probably of done things differently. Its really strange how back then I had a lot of girls emaling me, meeting them ect. There was one time in my life (age 19) I met a different girl on a date once a week! Now I haven't met anyone since Dee and that was like September. Like I said I've given up, but there is only so long someone can be alone! Were a world that we need other's, we need to be loved and feel loved and have a meaningful relationship. Oh well... I guess were not all here to be loved and to have someone to love...
that if your fat and ugly like me then 10 times out of 10 you'll be alone till the day you die! and then add in the fact that your a lesbian and were you live has little to know girls!!! I'm so fucking sick of being alone... I'm so fuckign sick of having no one ti love me and having no one to love. As each day goes by I get more and more depressed about it! I've had it, I've had it with living like this. I wish I could fast forward time and see if its going to be like this forever bc then I would see if its even fucking worth living anymore. I cant' live like this anymore and I can't stand the fact that my mom has to keep telling me that I'm alone and that my sister was married at my age and almost pregnant! HELLO MOM I KNOW! UGH *sigh*
Fuck all the fucking skinny,pretty girls its not fucking fair! I cant' even bare to look in the fucking mirror anymore. Even if I lost weight I'd still be ugly! UGh just UGH!
Ok well sitting in class yesterday my friend texted me telling me that the chick that I really liked hooked up with this ugly girl Wendy. Well, that made me feel sick but the thing that made me feel even worse was Wendy's Ex-gf who she dated for years has AIDS and also gave her ex gf AIDS. So I told this chick, I wrote her a myspace message. She said it was a one time thing and she did it because she was lonely ect.. well I'm lonely to but I would never stoop to that level EVER! It makes me sad because well I dont know. I know we'll never be more then friend's ever again, even though we go to the same college but its over and done with. I was a mistake as she put it so whatever. You live and learn and move on..
On another note I don't really know, I'm just taking it day by day and all the days roll into one. I feel sick but I never go to the doctor. Blah. I just needed to vent. I lay in bed at night when I'm trying to fall asleep and I map out so many entries in here that I want to talk about and then when I finally do sit down and write I go blank. *sigh* There's no one online to talk to hench it's almost 2:40am and a school/work night but I just feel so alone. I'm not tired I woke up at 5:30pm today my sleep cycle is worse then ever and I cant' seem to do anything about it. I know its taking a big toll on my health but no matter what I do nothing works!
Today I did nothing... I was suppose to see Dee but since we aren't talking anymore well that went out of the drain... I woke up really angry and depressed today. Its sad that I never know what mood I'm going to wake up in :( Like right now its almost 2:30am and I'm still blah and now I have a headache *sigh* I did nothing al day well night since I woke up at 4:00pm then I went downstairs to get my meds and then I went back to sleep from 5-7pm woke up and layed in bed watching tv from 7-9pm then I finally decided to make dinner... and now here I sit. I've been making CD's for my car... dont know just got the urge to do that. I have to get up tomorrow to student teach dance but then I usually come home and go back to sleep.
My therapist finally called me thursday. I haven't called her back I'm going to leave her a message to see if I can see her tomorrow or Sunday or whatever. She just said that she had alot of crap going on with her other clients and what not... I love how she just shoves me aside whatever. She's upset with me since I've spirlled down like I wanted to?? Ya I just love this fucking horrid feeling... Ya ok! This all just really sucks plain and simple it SUCKS! Just the thought of sex or kissing or watching anyone on TV kissing or what not makes me think of Dee and then it makes me think of my ex gf and then it just makes me even more depressed and lonely. Someone wrote me a comment in my last entry about revolving my happiness around other people... the thing is its been almost a year since I've been single and I don't like it! I had a year to regroup my thoughts and feelings and then I finally opened myself up to someone and then bam they fucking fuck me over in every shape way and form. and now im' right back to where i started! I just wnat someone normal and every time i think about it I just fear of being alone that much more. I dont want to spend my life alone and miserable whats the fucking point? I'm not the type of person to be happy alone I dont like being alone all the time. But people don't seem to understand this!!! Whats so hard to understand??? *sigh* I'm suppose to hang out with my Friend D and her ex gf tomorrow so we'll see how tha goes... I really wish I could turn back the clock and just fix all this shit. I wish my mind would shut off and I can forget about all this drama bull crap and i really wish I didnt wear my heart on my god damn sleeve because this always happens to me!!! Why the hell did I have to like her so damn much??? WHY??? UGH whatever... its my own damn fault! I've been putting personal's up on every website i can find for lesbians... I'm such a loser I know! I'm not desperate really I'm just lonely and I hate not having a partner to share things with... espically love and happiness ect... *sigh*
Well I suppose thats all for now... I gotta try and sleep even though I"m not even tired blah I slept to much today! If anyone has any songs that you think I'd like please let me know I"m looking for new songs to dl. One good thing is Evanescence's new CD comes out Tuesday even thought I already have it but I want the real thing in my hand! So I look forward to that even though I'm broke... its so worth the money though! Well tahts enough babbling for tonight!
OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....
I haven't felt this horrible, this low this sad in over 2 years! OMG its horrible and I can't take it... all i can do is cry the tears just keep coming like streams and I can't control it. I try so hard but nothing helps! I try not to let my mind think but no matter waht I do it doesn't turn off. I've tried cutting didn't do anything! All I can do is wallow in self pitty. Called my therapist to move my apt. to today but she couldnt' fit me in nice! So I see her tomorrow all I'm going to do is cry anyways. I can't sleep bc when I lay down I can't breath and all I can do is think even more! I dont know what to do anymore I really don't... suicide is creeping into my head! I can't stop thinkinga bout it I can't stop wishing that I wasn't here to feel this pain... I know it will most probably pass but I'll still be alone, I'll still be miserable, and I'll still have no lover, no friends nothing... whats teh point?? whats the point in living like this?? so i can be miserable and alone the rest of my life? No thank you! I rather be in a grave. *screams* I don't know what to do!!!!! I have no one to turn to, I have no one to hold me, to tell me it will be ok! No one to hold me... to wipe away my tears... I've never felt so isolated and so alone in all my life. I even had to take my inhaler last night because I had a panic attack. I dont know what to do! I feel like i'm going to burst into a hundrad little pieces and no one will be able to pick up the pieces... I'm sick of my mom asking me whats wrong, I'm sick of pretending to be "happy" i'm sick of being miserable! One thing good happens in my life and its ripped right out from underneath me and taken away as fast as it happened! Its not fucking fair!!! NOT FAIR! I sit here trying not to cry as a huge lump forms in my throat. I really dont know what to do so here i sit writing, hoping, and crying. I'm just hoping my body will run out of tears soon because I feel like i'm going to drawn in them if they don't stop... THe slighest thought triggers the tears... I just want to knock myself out so I don't have to think any more... I just want to shut my mind up! SHUT UP!
UGH I just made an entry and it delted! I hate LJ sometimes I really do!
Well, I'm here I know I haven't posted in over a month but I was in Disney World for 2 weeks and i've been updating my myspace and crap like that. I also got addicted to the game diner dash 2. So besides that thats what I've been doing. I didn't want to come home from disney because i hate the "real" world. When I'm there I forget how sucky my life is and how alone I really am. I'm 23 I should'nt be living like this! I have no friends and the worst thing is I have no gf... I hate being single I haven't kissed a girl or even held hand with anyone in over a year! I'm going crazy and as eash day passes alittle more of me dies. *sigh* Besides that I start school Thursday heres my Fall schedule
Monday- Painting 2- 1:40-4:40pm
Tuesday- Drawing 2- 1:40-4:40pm
Wednesday- No Class
Thursday- Graphic Design- 9:30am-12:30pm
Art Independent Study- 12:30- whenever
Friday- No Class
I also have advanced thesis which isn't a set day and time its when ever we need to meet... Fun Fun I graduate in 3 months and i still didn't get my grad stuff ready good job Danielle!
Nothing new on my part I haven't been on lj as much as I use to :( I use to have so many friends here and so many comments but now I'm lucky if I get one! I guess I'm so wraped up into myspace... you can blog there you know? But I rather write in my LJ better bc I don't like so many people reading my dark thoughts... Blah well off to play a little diner dash b4 bed... Hopefully I'll write more often!
To top everything off Evanescence will be here on october 9th... now I would've bought tickets the DAY they came out but I didn't this time why? Becaus I have NO ONE to go with! I would've went alone if it wasn't in NYC ... but I don't want to take a train there by myself and I don't even know where it is! I'm not a city type... I hardly go in. I swear as each day goes by I kick myself even more for not staying with mary
;( My mom always says that she thought we'd be together forever.. i have a horrible feeling i'm going to be alone forever :( I'd rather be dead then live like this till I die naturally I swear!! I wouldn't mind so much if I actually had close friends but I don't even have that! And to think BPD's are lonely as it is but add the factor that there actually is no one in their lives and your creating a horrible situation...
When Depression HITS it hits hard!!!