Art- Paint

New Pictures...of Me and My ROOM

I got my hair cut today so I figured I would take new pics of me for my myspace... and figured I would post it here as well why not right? lol 




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and to finsh it off a drawing of Amy Lee that I finshed a few days ago :)



and my 1st painting for this semester painting 2 class...

  • Current Music
    Evanescence "Good Enough"
Tap Dancer

"Come Together" Competition Tap Dance at Nationals

I finally got the DVD from nationals and I figured out how to upload it onto my computer and onto youtube.com so I figured I'd share it with people since I did pay 40.00 for the dvd lol  Sophisticated Productions Nationals dance competition July 19, 2006 at Wildwood, NJ. This is my dance competition video of "Come Together"

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SO let me know what you think... I'm the fat one of course lol what else is new! blah

so alone... so BORED

Today I did nothing... I was suppose to see Dee but since we aren't talking anymore well that went out of the drain... I woke up really angry and depressed today. Its sad that I never know what mood I'm going to wake up in :( Like right now its almost 2:30am and I'm still blah and now I have a headache *sigh* I did nothing al day well night since I woke up at 4:00pm then I went downstairs to get my meds and then I went back to sleep from 5-7pm woke up and layed in bed watching tv from 7-9pm then I finally decided to make dinner... and now here I sit. I've been making CD's for my car... dont know just got the urge to do that. I have to get up tomorrow to student teach dance but then I usually come home and go back to sleep. 

My therapist finally called me thursday. I haven't called her back I'm going to leave her a message to see if I can see her tomorrow or Sunday or whatever. She just said that she had alot of crap going on with her other clients and what not... I love how she just shoves me aside whatever. She's upset with me since I've spirlled down like I wanted to?? Ya I just love this fucking horrid feeling... Ya ok! This all just really sucks plain and simple it SUCKS! Just the thought of sex or kissing or watching anyone on TV kissing or what not makes me think of Dee and then it makes me think of my ex gf and then it just makes me even more depressed and lonely. Someone wrote me a comment in my last entry about revolving my happiness around other people... the thing is its been almost a year since I've been single and I don't like it! I had a year to regroup my thoughts and feelings and then I finally opened myself up to someone and then bam they fucking fuck me over in every shape way and form. and now im' right back to where i started! I just wnat someone normal and every time i think about it I just fear of being alone that much more. I dont want to spend my life alone and miserable whats the fucking point? I'm not the type of person to be happy alone I dont like being alone all the time. But people don't seem to understand this!!! Whats so hard to understand??? *sigh* I'm suppose to hang out with my Friend D and her ex gf tomorrow so we'll see how tha goes... I really wish I could turn back the clock and just fix all this shit. I wish my mind would shut off and I can forget about all this drama bull crap and i really wish I didnt wear my heart on my god damn sleeve because this always happens to me!!! Why the hell did I have to like her so damn much??? WHY??? UGH whatever... its my own damn fault! I've been putting personal's up on every website i can find for lesbians... I'm such a loser I know! I'm not desperate really I'm just lonely and I hate not having a partner to share things with... espically love and happiness ect... *sigh* 

Well I suppose thats all for now... I gotta try and sleep even though I"m not even tired blah I slept to much today! If anyone has any songs that you think I'd like please let me know I"m looking for new songs to dl. One good thing is Evanescence's new CD comes out Tuesday even thought I already have it but I want the real thing in my hand! So I look forward to that even though I'm broke... its so worth the money though! Well tahts enough babbling for tonight!

I have NO ONE I have NOTHING!

Ok  I called my therapist twice yesterday (Tuesday) one time during the day at like 9ish and then at like 2am to leave her a message on her cell because I really needed to and wanted to see her today! Well guess what?? she didnt even call me back at all!!! I'm so angry and I'm so hurt! I called her again today and she didn't even pick up the phone... WTF??? UGH damn her! Damn everyone. I'm really upset about this bc I really wanted to talk to her. I cut again last ngiht this time I wrote "all alone" on my leg... it bled alot because it was a new razor. But it finally stopped. UGH :( I'm so tired I slept till 4pm today and I"m still so tired. I think its emotional drain I dont know. I'm just so fed up with being alone and I just can't take the lonliless. I spent like an hour looking through photobucket at icons to do with loneliness. I found alot! *sigh* 

Even last week when I told my therapist about how i was feeling all she could say was "thats the old Danielle" um ok whatever that means... ya I haven't cut in a long time! But meeting Dee made me realize what I'm missing in life... how great life could be and how happy I was when I was with her and then BAM she's ripped right away from me in a blink of an eye. Its not fair! When is it Danielle's turn to be happy? When is it MY turn to feel love and be loved??? Is that so much to ask for? I don't think so... I wasn't planning on faling for her! I just thought hey a little hang out and what not but you can't tell your heart who to fall for! I ran out of tears.. if I saved all of the tears I cried I could drawn in them... Right now I wish I didn't have feelings I wish I didn't have a heart because then I wouldn't be feeling this pain.. but its not only her! its just the fact that no one ever gives a fuck how I feel or anything. Its always about everyone else! I'm sick of being alone! I'm sick of wasting each day and watching it slip by. I can't even explain it anymore! I also saw my med doctor the other night and she also said thats the old danielle well could you fucking explain this to me?? I really wish I never met this girl because then none of this would've happened!! Stupid me... and of course I get so many messages from guys on myspace and not one girl!!! Thats always the way... guys are stupdi gross horny losers! I don't want to be alone forever and no one can predict if I am going to be but i swear if I end up 30 and all alone I rather be dead! Whats the point in living like that? whats teh point in living all by yourself having no one to go home to, no one ot hold, or kiss or love! What's the fucking point???

i cut... i cry... i die

You don't know my name
you don't know anything about me
I try to play nice
I want to be in your game
The things that you say
You may think I never hear about them
But word travels fast
I'm telling you to your face
I'm standing here behind your back

[Chorus]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in 

If you could read my mind
You might see more of me that meets the eye
And you've been all wrong
Not who you think I am
You've never given me a chance

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

Well, I'm tired of staying at home
I'm bored and alone
I'm sick of wasting all my time

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in.

Some lyrics of a disney changel movie but oh how sad and oh how I feel right now! I feel so alone, so unwanted and so unloved... I just want to crawl into a hole and die... I dont know what to do anymore. My therapist just said i'm unraveling and its a great excuse to just give up... no its how i'm fucking feeling! I feel like my whole world is crushing around me and I can't get my head above water. I cut for the first time in about a year the other night... I couldn't take it anymore! I had to do something! I couldn't breath, I couldn't sleep all i could do is cry! My friend wanted to see it so I took a picture of it... Y i have no idea! But I figured I'd post it on my lj.. why?bc i'm a sick loser... I dont know
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*sigh* I don't even know what to say right now :(
  • Current Music
    Jordan Pruitt - Outside Looking In

OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....

OMG i want to die!! I want to die i want to die....

I haven't felt this horrible, this low this sad in over 2 years! OMG its horrible and I can't take it... all i can do is cry the tears just keep coming like streams and I can't control it. I try so hard but nothing helps! I try not to let my mind think but no matter waht I do it doesn't turn off. I've tried cutting didn't do anything! All I can do is wallow in self pitty. Called my therapist to move my apt. to today but she couldnt' fit me in nice! So I see her tomorrow all I'm going to do is cry anyways. I can't sleep bc when I lay down I can't breath and all I can do is think even more! I dont know what to do anymore I really don't... suicide is creeping into my head! I can't stop thinkinga bout it I can't stop wishing that I wasn't here to feel this pain... I know it will most probably pass but I'll still be alone, I'll still be miserable, and I'll still have no lover, no friends nothing... whats teh point?? whats the point in living like this?? so i can be miserable and alone the rest of my life? No thank you! I rather be in a grave. *screams* I don't know what to do!!!!! I have no one to turn to, I have no one to hold me, to tell me it will be ok! No one to hold me... to wipe away my tears... I've never felt so isolated and so alone in all my life. I even had to take my inhaler last night because I had a panic attack. I dont know what to do! I feel like i'm going to burst into a hundrad little pieces and no one will be able to pick up the pieces... I'm sick of my mom asking me whats wrong, I'm sick of pretending to be "happy" i'm sick of being miserable! One thing good happens in my life and its ripped right out from underneath me and taken away as fast as it happened! Its not fucking fair!!! NOT FAIR! I sit here trying not to cry as a huge lump forms in my throat. I really dont know what to do so here i sit writing, hoping, and crying. I'm just hoping my body will run out of tears soon because I feel like i'm going to drawn in them if they don't stop... THe slighest thought triggers the tears... I just want to knock myself out so I don't have to think any more... I just want to shut my mind up! SHUT UP!

A Few Things...

Ok first of all The new Evanescence Album got leaked and OMG its amazing!!! I can't wait to get the "real" cd in my hands! WOW just amazing! I so want to see them in concert its not fair! UGH like i have money anyways lol but still wow I want to meet her so badly! damn it

School is so stressful already and it just started... I'm an ass for taking 4 art classes but I wasn't expecting my indepent study to be so intense but it is because its the highest level art class you can take. My Graphic Design class isn't to bad just gotta think of something I want to concentrate on for the whole semester. Drawing 2 we have to copy the style of master artists in drawings using a combo of different media. Painting 2 I really haven't looked over the syllbus yet lol But its painting and she's hard! Advanced Thesis shouldn't be to bad i'm praying... I just have to buckle down and get my ass in gear but lately I'm so blah and depressed all I want to do is sleep! I'm still in the process of getting my art room all ready... I just have to move the TV from my mom's room into that room so I have tv to watch lol 

Well, I met a girl last night. We chated on myspace for one day and we decided to meet last night. Well the problem is that she has a gf :( and of coruse stupid me fell for her and she cheated on her gf with me! Now wouldn't that just prove that if she did break up with her gf for me then she would do the same to me with another girl. It just a never ending sad situation and its always me! Blah... I'm trying not to let my emotions get the most of me but I haven't kissed a girl or anything in over a year so its hard you know? I didnt get home till 5am! 

Anyways just wanted to vent.. gotta go do something productive in this horrible Friday night with rain and rain and more rain! FUN FUN... and don't forget OCTOBER 3RD new album for Evanescence... if you wanna check out my myspace (which I'm still working on) some of her new pictures are up! and the layout ect.. of course i made all the graphics! I'm thinking about redoing my LJ layout now that Im' trying to write in here more... but I like this layout but maybe i'll just redo it with new pictures lol but this time all Amy Lee and Angelina!!!
  • Current Music
    Evanescence *Lithium*

I'm still a.l.i.v.e if anyone cared

UGH I just made an entry and it delted! I hate LJ sometimes I really do!

Well, I'm here I know I haven't posted in over a month but I was in Disney World for 2 weeks and i've been updating my myspace and crap like that. I also got addicted to the game diner dash 2. So besides that thats what I've been doing. I didn't want to come home from disney because i hate the "real" world. When I'm there I forget how sucky my life is and how alone I really am. I'm 23 I should'nt be living like this! I have no friends and the worst thing is I have no gf... I hate being single I haven't kissed a girl or even held hand with anyone in over a year! I'm going crazy and as eash day passes alittle more of me dies. *sigh* Besides that I start school Thursday heres my Fall schedule

Monday- Painting 2- 1:40-4:40pm
Tuesday- Drawing 2- 1:40-4:40pm
Wednesday- No Class
Thursday- Graphic Design- 9:30am-12:30pm
                    Art Independent Study- 12:30- whenever
Friday- No Class

I also have advanced thesis which isn't a set day and time its when ever we need to meet... Fun Fun I graduate in 3 months and i still didn't get my grad stuff ready good job Danielle! 

Nothing new on my part I haven't been on lj as much as I use to :( I use to have so many friends here and so many comments but now I'm lucky if I get one! I guess I'm so wraped up into myspace... you can blog there you know? But I rather write in my LJ better bc I don't like so many people reading my dark thoughts...  Blah well off to play a little diner dash b4 bed... Hopefully I'll write more often! 

To top everything off Evanescence will be here on october 9th... now I would've bought tickets the DAY they came out but I didn't this time why? Becaus I have NO ONE to go with! I would've went alone if it wasn't in NYC ... but I don't want to take a train there by myself and I don't even know where it is! I'm not a city type... I hardly go in. I swear as each day goes by I kick myself even more for not staying with mary 
;( My mom always says that she thought we'd be together forever.. i have a horrible feeling i'm going to be alone forever :(  I'd rather be dead then live like this till I die naturally I swear!! I wouldn't mind so much if I actually had close friends but I don't even have that! And to think BPD's are lonely as it is but add the factor that there actually is no one in their lives and your creating a horrible situation...

When Depression HITS it hits hard!!!

Horrible NIghtmare Last Night :(

Last night I woke up from a horrible nightmare... I get these every now and then but I haven't had one like this in a while. I was with my mom and sister, I got a text message from pres Bush saying that terriosts were attacking. I saw this machine but it was in another country "dont ask" and I thought they were shooting it towards another direction. I said we need to take cover but it was to late. This thing started spraying us with this gas or something and I literally felt myself DIE! I said to my mom I love you mom and I hate you dad... those were my last words! Then I awoke right before I felt myself die competely. I hate these dreams they scare the shit out of me and they make me fear death even more... :( Now this dream will be with me for a few days I'm sure until my mind lets it go. *sigh* sometimes I hate sleeping because of nightmares...
  • Current Mood
    shocked shocked
Tap Dancer

New Pics and U.P.D.A.T.E

Well I haven't writen in a while so since i'm online and reading some friends and groups I thought I'd update. Well not much is really going on honestly. My sleep cycle is all fucked up and I really need to change it but I'm to lazy to if that makes sense? I've been going to sleep around 3:30am-5am and then I wake up from 3-5pm its sick. Its really so unhealthy and everyone gives me such shit about it! I've tried every sleep med and nothign works either! *sigh* I"m such a lazy piece of crap... I have such a problem of spending money and money I don't freaking have! I just spent alot of money on scrapbooking crap. Money that I shouldn't of spent but I just kept buying now on ebay and I spent 2 hours in Michaels craft store tonight. WTF is wrong with me? Do I have a problem with shopping?  Blah  i hate money I wish I was rich but don't we all? 

On another note I'm still single and miserable. I haven't had sex or kissed a girl in a year! Thats so abnormal. I've met two girls on myspace but one has never been with a girl and the other well she said she would call but never did. So whatever! I try and keep myself busy since I have another month till school starts. I really should be getting myself ready for grad school application. I have to write an essay on why I want to become an art therapist. Blah! I start school on Sep 3rd and I'm taking 15 credits and 4 of those classes are ART! Can you say busy? But its better then doing nothing. i mean I enjoy sleeping 24/7 and doing what i want at night online ect... but its been long. 

I go to disney world August 19-31st with my mom and my baby boy Mickey. As of right now were driving down because of Mickey I don't want to bring him on the plane its just such a hassel you know? It will take around 19 hours to get there. I'm looking forward to going, I just wish I had a laptop with wireless internet so I could go online at night. I have been looking to get one but I don't understand that whole wireless thing you know? 

Last week I had dance competitions nationals at wildwood, NJ. We got a Gold thats it. The ranking goes Bronze, Silver, High Silver, Gold, High Gold, Platnium and Sophesticated Platnium. I was hoping we would at least get a High Gold but we didnt  ;(   Blah and I didn't go two nights so of course i'm not in the pictures with everyone else. I hate that I feel so left out and like I don't belong. *sigh* oh well its only dance theres more to life then dance but I can't help but feel like that. Blah! 

Well here are a few pictures from my aunts wedding, my baby boy mickey and the dance competition. 

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  • Current Music
    Evanescence