Holy Hand-grenade I miss the piss outta this. The last few days I've delved into old entries. I loved having a platform on which to ramble and bounce ideas off most of the people I knew socially. And I miss reading your reactions. It makes me happy, the infrequent posts by the precious few hold-outs. For every reason one can offer not to post here, I have several words of agreement. But I will not dismiss or down-play how much I value what it was.
Having read several of my entries in a row, I'm happy with how I came across, but using the same language here that I used to use feels.... silly, maybe? Nah... But it is a little distracting. Like when you can hear your own voice echoing back on a cell phone? Like that.
I've come to fill the box with my mind several times in the last year or two, but always end up closing the window in frustrated futility. I haven't said all I've to say, but at this moment I haven't anything to offer you wouldn't expect.
(this is where i usually look back, realize i'm being vague in a not-very-cool way, and close the window. in homage to Then, i shan't.)
Fare thee well this night, those this with whom I used to share.
In less than 2 months I'm going to be a father. I've never been so simultaneously ecstatic and terrified.
Among other concerns, this is the biggest commitment. And I've realized how much of a colossal commitment-phobe I am. (seriously. if prosy wasn't so much more than i'll ever deserve, i'd probably never have gotten married.)
But, as with most everything in my life, once the lap-bar is locked and the ride starts I face things with a vocal sense of optimism/idealism, with a quieter yet ever-present undercurrent of cautious apprehension.
This will be good. *smile*
Also, I started this journal listening to chillingly good music whilst complaining of tooth pain and making cryptic quips that weren't witty to anyone else but me. I think time is like a feedback loop. Sure, it cycles. But with every pass, it losses something and picks something else up. But with enough similarities to confuse you into unknowingly changing mentally recorded history. But if you record that feedback loop... like here... you don't quite get an exact representation, but a few of the important parts get put in place with something that in hindsight will appear like permanence.
Sometimes my confusion is more palpable than my hope.
There seems to be a marked difference between "feeling like a kid again" and "feeling the way you wanted to feel when you were a kid." Maybe the difference lies in the misconception many of us as kids held that the elation we occasionally experienced was sustainable. (i mean, while we'd all be happier in a sense, it just isn't practical to wander around with a perpetual sense of child-like awe. who would ever get anything done?)
These days I feel like a kid again. And while I'm partially referring to the feeling you had when you realized you didn't understand as much as you thought you did, more importantly I feel like a kid in that I definitely feel a strong faith in infinite possibility; it's ability to contain within it so much joy/love/happy as well as creative and/or interpersonal fulfillment.
Inside my eyes are wide with the possibilities of, not if, but when.
My wife is the neatest person. (And I suspect her to be woefully underestimated.) She's well informed, candid with herself as well as her trusted inner circle, at once perceptive and humble, and, at times delightfully dotty. She's beautiful, on the level, and endlessly trustworthy. Determined, selfless, and hilarious. Reverent and dignified, hopeful, patient(oh how patient). Charming and adorable. AND she's so great at books!
She's got a smile twice as big as she is, and a heart 10x bigger than that.
and to any who aren't yet aware, in december our household hand count will be increased to 5. *smile*
So my 10 yr class reunion is in a few months. I'm a reflective fella by default, so I've been indulging these preponderant ponderings. I wonder about the people I've known. I wonder where they are and what they're like now. Are they still as dumb about life and focus and priorities as I was? ...as i still am now...?
I wasn't very close to many people in my specific class. Some towns do a big ol' bulk reunion including several classes because there just aren't enough people to justify a reunion every year. Our town was a bit too big for that. If that were the case, tho, I'd be more inclined to go. There were enough people in the years surrounding my class that I'd really like to see. Although, truth be told, I'm a sentimental sap and would love to catch up with anyone who would be remotely happy to see me. I tend to really like the idea of a person. And surely the idea of someone is enough to carry you through one evening in the bar of Canterbury Hotel, right?
I wish there were reunions for other things. It'd have been neat to go to a Valley Fair employee 10 year reunion. The summer of '95 was huge for me, and it'd be great to see the people with whom I briefly experienced said hugeness. Or a fall of '96 reunion. At that point I had given up on any semblance of normal teen life, including and especially high school. But the fall and winter of that year were spent in the extended company of people I'm very curious about these days.
What has happened? How has that affected you? Did you find yourself or do you feel you simple grew into yourself? Maybe you don't feel any different at all. Maybe not feeling different scares you or makes you feel self-conscious.
What traumas or insulations have you seen since last I had the chance to ask but never did? Is your world comprised of the town of your home, familiar people and bars and routines that just sorta followed a graceful progression from then to now? Or was all that to constrictive? Did you leave out of wander-lust, insecurity, spite, or simple circumstance?
(on a slightly digressive note, i have to admit this entry is starting to feel like that silly alienated little poem published without my permission by my mom and the principle in the junior high newsletter. so many questions. i was always embarrassed by the dull simplicity of the rhyme scheme. but i was never embarrassed by the intent, which was to understand why kids were so emotionally aggressive. sure, hindsight makes a once baffling concept laughably not-complex. but the purity of intent, of which i flatter myself with having been full back then, is still beautiful.
now i am full of, among other things, myself. myself, and dramatic declarations.
(my, how little some things change))
In other news, where does "the time" go? The seeming fundamental imbalance--the "feast or famine" nature of things--is really perplexing sometimes. Someone will ask what you did, and often you can't provide a glamorous or even succinct response. But man... the time felt full. Or what of the sub-article in Murphy's Law that states if you're busy, everyone you've ever known will vie for your attention if not your company in just the single moment when you actually want/have to be where you are.
The metaphysical Cogs of the Universe really need to get with Google Calendar and plan this stuff out.
With much purpose and deliberation, I walked up to a teddybear laying on the ground and shot it at point blank in the face with a single action 12-gauge shotgun.
What'd you do this weekend?
Step one: In celebration of finally purchasing just the right kitchen range for our new house, we victoriously declared that day as the "last night we're ever going to eat out." Order from favorite Thai place.
Step two: Got violently ill just moments after completing last bite of said treasured Thai food.
Step three: Called into work sick for the second, though not consecutive time this week. (this looks especially bad, seeing as how i've had this job for 3 weeks.)
Step four: Miss seeing Explosions in the Sky. $20 in tickets wasted. (also, wasted entire day NOT moving out of old apartment or getting sick pay because of some weird clause stating that one can't butt a holiday with a sick day.)
Step five: Precious resignation.
We closed on our house yesterday. It's been anxious and nervous and excited and distracted around here. And to top it off, prosy's illin' hardcore. I cannot get sick right now. New house, new job, new bookstudy(?). These are usually the times I get crazy sick and put myself way behind. Here's hopin' I don't...
In slightly related news, does anyone want to move into our apartment? We'd really like to keep it in the "family". We just haven't had the time and focus to push it on any of our friends. Those of you who have been here know that, for someone with classic taste, this place is wonderful.
Anyway, anyone interested, email or comment. We move out at the end of the month, but the landlord was really accommodating with us, so you may have happy circumstance favor you.
I hope all who read this are well. (even the ones on whom i put the voodoo hex.) It's beautiful here. Soak it in if you can, as it is good for the soul.
I just taught prosy how to drum. And wouldn't you know it, she's a natural. We jammed for almost a half hour. (drumming takes a lot out of ya when you first start out. oh, and also when all your chops are relegated to two feet and one arm.)
This is the most blogworthy thing that has happened to me in months. I can't tell you how elated I am...
Also, how did The Arcade Fire improve on No Cars Go? ...blew my smurfin' mind, I tell ya.