I actually stopped in the Union this morning to get a breakfast taco from the BBQ place. I've sort of been thinking about how I'm doing things with food... and only having 180 calories from a Luna Bar in the morning isn't really sufficient. Granted, I could bring healthier foods to work - and will try to start doing so. But this morning I had a breakfast taco at 7:45 and a Luna Bar at 10:30... My tummy feels happy. I remember when I was up in Colorado, they had us eating at least 600-700 calories at Breakfast... then a snack two hours later. And it did feel like too much. But I suppose they would know more than me. And maybe taking their advice would put me in a better place than I am right now.
I'd say for the past month I have been on a pretty serious shopping spree. Some of it, I know what it's about. The running shoes I bought? I actually needed them for running season ($120 with tax). The snare drum sticks and practice pad? Needed for rehearsal Scottish Drum and Pipe rehearsal($55). The Toms Vegan Wrap Boots($110)? I didn't NEED them so much as I wanted them, but I knew my purchase would give a pair of new shoes to a child in need (Does anyone really even NEED anymore incentive?)... And then I went shopping on Craigslist out of curiosity and boredom and found myself looking for a French horn ($650). And I thought... WHY NOT? I mean, I've been picking up music again lately, how awesome would it be to join a local band or orchestra. I'm researching and I plan on doing so.
I found an instrument I wanted to go out and look at that was priced right, decent brand, and essentially brand new. Why not go take a look? To make a long story short - there is absolutely nothing worse than getting completely an utterly lost in Round Rock at night. That is what happened. After about 45 minutes of trying to find this place (which was not in Avery Ranch, as I would swear up and down that she told me - rather, NEAR). It was dark. I couldn't see street lights. I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and die. A lot of thoughts ran through my head... 1st, I must REALLY want to play the French horn again if I'm willing to navigate suburbia in the dark... 2, maybe I just need a distraction... or 3.) WTF am I DOING with my life? I do feel lost in a more profound sense than the actual physciality of my lostness last night. To that I must shrug. I don't know what I'm doing. 4.) What do I do if I end up in freaking Lampasass or something? I have a vague familiarity with the Round Rock / Cedar Park Area. If I had not, I would have gotten SUPER SUPER lost on my way home. And I can think my old dietician for that - since her office was out in the middle of nowhere and I happened to be very near there. Thank God.
In the end, I found her house. It was nice... but the horn, was not an F/Bb horn. I felt like an idiot because F horns are pretty much useless if you already know how to play the instrument. I suppose I didn't bother thinking to ask because she told me she bought it for her son in high school who chose sports over band (and I figured if he's in high school OF COURSE it'll be an F/Bb horn). My assumption was totally incorrect. So disappointment coupled with the fear of getting chopped up in a million pieces by some random drifter in Round Rock had me on edge.
At 9:30 I was back home alive and in one piece. I'm getting an F/Bb horn next week, actually. Ordered it from the interwebz. Get a week to decide if I love enough to keep or if I want to send it back. I could not let the night end with empty hands.
PS. Travis and I are looking for jobs in the north east. I am so ready to get out of Austin.
It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well.
So the past couple of days have been better... despite the lame weather. I'm sorry I've been awful at responding to comments... I've sucked at that for a while now... hopefully that improves in the near future. I appreciate your care and support <3.
Also, I've decided to try and update this thing more regularly... LJ has always been my home and I tried myspace for a long time, which I hate and even started one or two on blogger, but it's just not the same as livejournal. Not that any of this matters....
Uhm, the job hunt is still going very poorly. I suppose it's just time to bite the bullet and apply for EVERYthing, even the jobs that sound awful. I thought I could be a little picky and try to avoid working with food, but those seem to be the only positions I'm even qualified for! I would like to wait around for a few weeks and substitute teach, but that's a few more weeks of not doing anything and I feel so guilty about that. I've also been thinking of trying to get certified to teach - but it may not be a good time for that. I wish I knew more about ACC's program. UT's is like 2 years long for a post bachelor certification... that's a ton of money... I could finish my master's with that.
It's funny, I never thought I could be so lost.
Travis is still asleep and I wish he'd wake up because I'm hella ready for lunch. I already went to the gym and had an okay work out. I've been really careful to not get TOO obsessive over it - or am trying my hardest. I do feel better when I exercise and I know in time I'll get the physical results I want if I just stay on my meal plan... and that's been really hard too.
Luckily I get to see DeLinda today. Allbeit at 5pm in the dead of rush hour. Hopefully she can squeeze me in one more time this week because she'll be out of town next week. And it will be a long week to be sure.
Oh, and last night me and Travis saw Coraline. It was pretty neat! I really enjoyed it. Last weekend I saw He's Just Not That Into You -which was pretty good, but not quite amazing.
As usual, it's been a while. Life is teh crazies. And you guys know I run myself into the ground with school... I am most likely taking a 1 year leave of absence. I Will explain later on when I know more. I think the last time I wrote I was having trouble with my (then) first field placement. I am now on my third and may not be there much longer. We'll see. I work with high school kids. they are neat. I love my job. I am, however, having a rough time taking care of myself. I've just been going non-stop for so long.
That said, the next few days will be telling.
In other news, or somewhat similar. If I am to take time off, I gotta find a job. Good luck to me!
The holidays are comin' up. I'm ready for a break. I'm also ready for this weekend cause my LJ Birthday BFF buddy Aubree is coming to Austin! We're goin to lunch on Saturday - I am so excited! And Sat night me and Lauren are going to see the new James Bond movie. Hurray!
Too much excitement this past week, in all honesty. Tuesday brought test-driving a silver Dodge Caliber and getting approved for a loan by the bank. Wednesday Lauren and I went to Fiesta Texas. It was fun, overall, but the park ended up being a bust. It wasn't crowded at all, but we both kind of got sick on the new Goliath roller coaster. We left after only a few hours. Plus, that place is a rip off. Thursday I said goodbye to my JP and hello to that brand new Caliber that I drove on Tuesday. I was REALLY sad to see my Jeep go (I still miss him) - holes in the floor and everything, that car meant a lot to me. But out with the old and in with the new. My new car is simply amazing. It drives great, looks great, has an AC (!!!!) and an iPod jack. No complaints from me other than I gotta get used to driving it. Love it. Okay ->Thursday night / Friday morning was THE DARK KNIGHT premiere. I went to pick up tickets for me, Travis, Lauren, Matt, and Steve and the midnight showings were all sold out - so I got tix for 1am and holy hell, the movie was mind-blowing and amazing on so many different levels. I'm sick of people talking shit about it only being "awesome" cause Heathe Ledger died (which is even more painfully tragic now), but his performance was brilliant. Definitely the best movie I've seen all summer. And Friday, of course, the much anticipated (for me) Mama Mia! Dark Knight may be the best movie, but Mama Mia is what I've enjoyed most this summer. All kinds of cheesy and fun and it's a great way to spend a couple of hours and put a smile on your face. It was a busy week, but a good week.
This week looks majorly less awesome. I have a HUGE presentation tomorrow and a not as huge, but still very important, presentation on Wednesday. I'm nervous about both... and I'm thankful, but even more nervous about my take home final for my communities and organizations because it's gonna be tough. I plan on having the final done on Friday or Saturday so when I go to school a week from tomorrow, it's just to see my friends and fill out evals. I think I've enjoyed school this summer - and while I still have plenty of beef with the social work program at UT - I don't have beef with social work. I am so excited about starting my career, but that is about 2 years away. Hurray more and more and more debt. Gotta love how tight things will be with a car payment (but at least now I have really nice and RELIABLE transportation.
Okay, so the second I'm done with my final I'm diving into New Moon and Eclipse... so I can have those done by the time Breaking Dawn comes out! I'm also (hopefully) going up to Fort Worth to see the in-laws. We haven't seen them since the wedding... and that's the longest it's been since Travis and I started dating, even. I like his (well, mine too now) family a lot. The utter lack of drama and irrationality is comforting.
I really had planned on going to Idaho with my family. I really only just want to go to Idaho to see my sister and Matt. They are driving and they are also making a trip out to Las Vegas (9 hours away from Pocatello). One, Travis can't get off work and I will be gone for about 2 weeks - I am really, really, REALLY gonna have a hard time with that... and two, I just don't know if I can handle everything else that goes along with the trip. So I am really torn. I want to go see my sister, though.
Anyway, that's about the extent of what's going on with me right now.
I'm on my usual sunday blog rotation. Not that anyone is interested in what's going on with me - but it's more likely you can read about it in my myspace blog. I don't remember what my last post here was about... I would probably guess it was something about being fat and wanting to lose weight :) You know, the usual.
So in the here and now I'm 5 class days (read: 2.5 weeks) from the end of summer school. I'm in the middle of 2 massive projects that I HOPE turn out okay. I'm in the middle of my usual semester meltdown. Like, I can't concentrate and I can't get into my work, and this week isn't going to make it any better! Let's see: Tuesday, me and Travis are going car shopping - I really hope we can make a purchase - but there is only one day a week when we can car shop with his new schedule and my classes (I'll explain this in a minute). Wednesday, Lauren and I are going to Fiesta Texas (I'm skipping my afternoon class). Thursday night (Friday morning) is the premiere of DARK KNIGHT! Very, very exciting... and even more exciting is Friday - MAMA MIA!
All of this summer fun makes it very hard to be excited about school. I am so excited about getting a new car - you have no idea. The breaks on my Jeep are, uh, going out. They make an awful grinding noise and I'm not spending another penny on making repairs - and with my internship in the fall, I need reliable transportation. So Travis and I talked and we're able to make a car payment. I decided on a Dodge Caliber, but I haven't gotten to drive one yet. The price is right and 2.99 gas for the next 3 years would be GREAT. If we can get a deal on a new one... anyway - we plan on buying a new car and soon.
I'm still working out like crazy. Haven't lost a pound - actually have gained 2. My clothes fit different - and BETTER, so I don't know if I'm upset or not. I am still 15 pounds more than I ever wanted to be again - but I don't have the energy to abuse my body anymore. I'm back to eating normally (well, to a better degree) and minimal sketchy food behaviors. This is the healthiest I've been emotionally in a long time (and I'm still crazy, of course). But things are different for me. It's good.
Married life is FABULOUS. I honestly never thought I could be this happy.
Summer school is HARD. I read too slow for grad school - but I usually find a way to do well, so I'm sure I'll come up with something.
I got my custom timbuk2 bag - and it's pretty much the greatest. I am so excited about it, it's ridiculous.
My cat destroyed the blinds in my apartment - AND the rod that holds them up.... when me and Travis were out last night. I'm sure we are going to be charged out the ass for the repair. I am upset because she is SO stupid. She destroys everything. I love our little cat, but she has just been so much trouble lately.
Finished Twilight last Sunday. I read it in a 2 day time frame - and for me that must mean it was awesome. Edward Cullen is HOT HOT HOT.
Now to get dressed... I have to drive my mom around to run some errands because no one at home can. Awesome. I don't mind, but they really aren't helping her recover from her accident... She deserves better. I'd help more if I lived closer, but I can't even afford to drive out there more than a couple times a week. $4/gallon = DEATH
Yes, I am pretty good about reading my friends page on a semi-daily basis. I don't know why I don't feel like blogging anymore. I could GUESS it's because there isn't much going on in my life right now, but more what is going is hardly worth writing about. Back in high school and college when I would update this thing multiple times a day... crazy shit, for shizz. All awkwardness aside, I miss you guys on my friends list and I want to update more.
So I've been out of school for a month now and start my summer class on Monday. My month off was kind of weird because I'm balls crazy, I guess. It all sort of started back in late April when I somehow procured a nasty illness... fever, nausea, a cold and severe fatigue. Once the fever, nausea, and cold wore off the fatigue never left. Most of May I couldn't do much of anything. For one, I had simply impossible and horrible insomnia... long nights, plenty of time to think about a lot of things. For another I sat on our couch or laid in bed almost all day every day - I couldn't leave the apartment unless I had to. And moreover, I was sad as fuck... I got really depressed about my grandma's death and finally began to really mourn that. I would say that I am in the middle of a nasty bout of depression. And the thing is that I've always known I am depressed, it's just never ever been this physical or debilitating. I am not myself... I don't have any energy. I gave up working out - I have been to the gym maybe 5 times in the last 2 months... I don't go out with friends very much... I literally sit around all day every day.
I got a job at Borders in the Domain, but after I was hired and before I started was when I wasn't sleeping and literally couldn't do anything so I called them back and declined it for a number of reasons, but the biggest one was that I was so "sick" and didn't know when I could function properly enough to be a good employee. The other being it was part time that it would have taken 6-8 weeks to complete the training and I wasn't going to be able to keep the job after July because of my internship, and she made it clear they wanted someone who would be there longer, so. After that, you are probably wondering what I've done with my time. I've hung out with my family more than usual when I do go out. I've gained some weight, but I know it's from my sedentary lifestyle, and the fact that me and Travis eat out 90% of the time cause of me - since I can't have groceries (well couldn't) have groceries in the house because I got into serious trouble. After a month of that - I am eating pretty regularly and normally. Still more than a normal person should eat, in my opinion... but my body is still recovering from almost 3 years of serious abuse and it probably needs this time to rest and heal (maybe). That could be why I have been out of business. This whole depression thing has been pretty consistent this semester. It happened the first time a few days after the wedding (not because of the wedding by any means!) but I got sick like I did in April and spent later January through March recovering only to get sick again in April. I've been to the doctor and she doesn't help me - and while I agree that this is probably happening since I've fucked with my food so bad for so long, I also think I WAS legitimately sick and needed real medicine to recover!
Suffice to say, I've decided to schedule an appointment with the psychiatrist at school. I am not embarrassed of what has happened to me this year. There is TONS of situational stuff, but my life is pretty rockin' right now and I know my brain chemistry is very off and I just want my balance back... more than that, I want ENERGY - I am sick of feeling like I'm going to collapse every time I go out. I mean, what if my doctor has been negligent and I have cancer or something? Sigh. I am pretty sure the psychiatrist can FINALLY diagnose me correctly and hopefully give me some medicine to get my shit back together. At this rate there is no way I can be at my best for my fall internship. So it's vital that I spend this summer working hard on my recovery and, against my wishes, take the meds they give me.
In other news... (this is way more important, by the way) My mom slipped and broke her kneecap into 2 pieces a few weeks ago. She had to have surgery and everything... I feel bad for her!
Hmm... there really isn't much other news. I guess I don't WANT to go to summer school, but I am happy to be on some sort of schedule again and hope my classes are better than the ones last spring. Annnd this update is getting pretty lengthy so I will just ramble on the next time I write!
first semester of grad school: finished.
I need to get my shit together.