(no subject)

This type of thing is happening a lot. Someone goes off on a tangent and says "your mommy never bought you [whatever] and now you want to die", and then seem to forget I never mentioned [whatever] in the first place. Then they tell me I'm a piece of shit for killing myself over it. It's like they forget they're the one that mentioned [whatever] in the first place.

I'm sorry if your life is hard, but you forget you know jack-shit about mine. Being a white American male doesn't ensure you have an easy life.

For all you know, I could be crippled, have cancer, AIDS, or all three. Maybe I'm a midget? Maybe I have MS? Perhaps I have a rare skin disease that keeps me from ever seeing sunlight?

You don't know, and until you do, don't feed me shit about how good I've got it. I know the "post" button is a wonderland of temptation and it probably shouts "CLICK ME!" in a voice only you can hear. There's another voice I'm sure you have as well. It's the one that reminds you to look both ways before you cross the street, not put metal things in the microwave, and put a jacket on before you go make a snowman. It's the voice of common sense. I suggest you get acquainted with it.

(no subject)

Okay, I'm going to try to consolidate this so that everyone's questions are answered. I feel I owe it to all of you.

1. Why are you going to kill yourself?
I have said before that I'm bipolar, but obviously this isn't enough to warrant suicide. I have other reasons, but many of them are too painful to remember, let alone put up for public ridicule. I also don't want to start a war of "one-ups" with people who think their problems are much more real and scarring than mine. Your pain is legitimate, I'm sure, and if you choose to think that mine is not because you think this is a lot of post-teen, angsty bullshit, then I guess I can't convince you otherwise. I have wrestled with the events in my life, and some of these events I can hardly think about without cringing. I just can't put them up for people to use as cannon fodder. I'm sorry.

2. Why are you making this journal?
I have tried to explain this in individual comments, but understandably, those comments are lost in the sheer volume of other people's "2 cents". I hope I can satisfy some of you with my answer. My original intent was to find one person who would stumble on this by accident. Someone submitted me to somethingawful, and I got more than I bargained for. So, dash that first intention. Of course, somethingawful is not the only reason I decided to go through with this despite the people who really do care. I can't lay out all my thoughts and reasons here; my brain is not a set of railroad tracks, moving purposefully in one direction. All I can tell you is that I reached the conclusion, and try to explain why this journal is still here. I want to record my thoughts. I want others to see these thoughts. I want to finally be heard. Dammit, I need to be heard. I'm sorry if this seems selfish to you, I'm sorry if I seem like nothing more than a bloodsucking attention whore. Whatever you think of me, know that all I want is the voice I have never had the courage to manifest before. The freedom of knowing this will not matter soon is what allows me to keep posting.

3. Is this an experiment?
A lot of people are under the impression that I am doing this for some sort of term paper or something. I can tell you one thing; I have never been to college, but I know that a bunch of comments from random people on the internet would make a shitty bibliography.

4. Why are you so fat?
Saying you're not fat on the internet is pretty futile. It is assumed that all people on the WWW are fat, if only because of their presence here. The picture is not me. Believe this if you want, or don't. It's the least of my concerns.

5. Why do you seem so happy if you are going to kill yourself?
I suggest you take a high-school health class if you don't know the answer to this.

6. Will you broadcast this on a webcam?
I'm a little crazy, but I'm not fucking depraved. Go to rotten.com, orgish.com, or go rent Faces of Death.

7. How are you going to do it?
I don't think that is important to anyone except those who get aroused by death. I also don't want people googling my method and finding enough info to make a connection, then sending this to the people that know me.

8. Why January 13th?
Yeah, as you probably guessed, this was an important day for me. It's the day I lost someone very dear to me, my brother Alex.

If I've missed anything, post your question and I will make an amendment.

(no subject)

Someone told me that the Christmas tree set up on a large piece of equipment in my town is put up every year by a volunteer. Someone actually climbs to the top in the middle of winter and strings lights around the wire frame. They do this so that everyone in the town can see and enjoy it. I don't know if this is true or not. I'd like to think it is.

(no subject)

There's lights strung up all over town. Walking down the street without being acknowledged with at least a friendly smile is almost impossible. For the first time since childhood, it feels like the smile I give in return is genuine. Christmas has been turned into a bastard child of greeting card mega-corporations and toy companies, and it shows whenever you turn on a television or enter a store, but...there's still something innocent about it. An element of untarnished goodwill still exists in some people around December 25th. Some die-hard pessimists and disenchanted nihilists deny it. They say good will doesn't exist anymore, that the only holiday cheer is manufactured in factories with dollar signs in their eyes. These people know that humanity has some element of itself left, and it scares them to think that their total lack of faith in us is not entirely justified. That would shatter their fragile excuse not to care. Every night they wrap themselves in a blanket of detachment from their species, hoping it will shield them from the hurt in their past.

Some people use their hate to keep surviving. Love will kill you every time.

(no subject)

I have been thinking a lot about this, and I'd like to try to clear a few things up.

I can see why some of you hate me for doing this. If I looked at it from your perspective, I'd feel the same way you do. Please understand that I have my reasons for doing this, and I didn't intend to involve all of you. I thought that if I did not friend anyone on here and didn't comment anywhere else, this journal would remain in the shadows. Yes, I had hoped a single person would find it through their own actions, but not thousands. I did not think that that someone would come here and submit the address to a website with such a large following.
The other reason I am writing here is because I want to record my own thoughts and issues, as a way of providing myself some mental catharsis. I didn't really think even one person would stumble across this, so this reason was my main motivation.
I want to apologize for the misunderstanding. I hope that some of you may not despise me as much anymore...
I am left with the descision of continuing in quiet, or going on with the journal despite what it has turned into. I have decided to keep going. If nothing else, maybe I can clear my good name with some people and not be remembered so negatively.
In the future, I hope I can provide some of you with some backstory about why I am suicidal, as a lot of you have asked.

As a side note, the picture posted on the website responsible for bringing you all here...does he look 23 to you?


I opened my e-mail today and thought there must be something wrong with my account. Over 1000 emails.

I have seen the feature on SomethingAwful.com. I think that the proprietors of that website are some of the most heartless individuals on Earth. They point out their target, the weakest in the herd, and their faithful dogs go in for the kill. They come back to their master's heels and look up adoringly, hungry for approval. "Did I do a good job, master? Look how well-trained I am".

There will be blood, but none will reach your lips, so why bother? I will not give out personal information here, as I have stated before. You won't be able to confirm your "kill". I imagine those simply desperate to see a corpse will tire of this soon enough.

At this point, I don't know if I will be keeping this journal up. I'm going to have to think about it.

Then again, I wouldn't want to dissapoint my "fans".

(no subject)

Would you push a man off a cliff if he were about to jump anyway?

I don't know how this happened, but it seems a lot of people have gotten wind of this journal in a short amount of time. For every positive comment, there are two negative ones.

Like a lot of other things in my life, this has blown up in my face.

(no subject)

Dying is far more complicated than I thought it would be. Ironic that these complications are part of the reason I want to die in the first place.

In my first entry I said I would be updating every day. I have been trying to get my affairs in order (my will, burying old hatchets, ect), so I haven't been able to write as much as I'd like. I've sat down a couple times and no words worth writing came to me.

I know that for someone to care they have to get to know me first. Not just about me, they have to actually feel a connection with me. I don't know how to make that connection. That's another reason I want to die. I can't connect with people...I'm always alone in a crowd. More alone than when I'm by myself.

Edit: I do not believe in the afterlife, and that may not make sense considering my last entry. I do not believe, but sometimes I hope for the existence of a higher power. I am bipolar, and sometimes my hope is greater than other times. It depends on whether I'm on a high or low.