Audrey Hepburn

(no subject)

I am so happy to be going home, all I can think about is laying on my couch seeing my friends, hanging out with my mom. I didn't realize how much I've missed home until now. I'm sad I'm staying in sf this summer... I am going to try and visit az, norcal and socal more next year.

I miss having someone.
But I'm okay with not having someone.
I feel off.
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious
Audrey Hepburn

ive decided im either bored, desperate, or really horny.

I remember what it feels like to think again. I didn't realize it but thats what's wrong with me. I think its honestly time for me to slow down on my smoking. I am afraid if i don't i will loose myself in a dull non exisitant state. Its crazy to believe that i actually have energy and some spunk. Its not that i have completely stopped smoking, i just dont have alot, and im at my grandparents place so it'd be kind of fucked up.

I really like to think up hypothetical situations in my head. I guess you could call that day dreaming.... day dreaming.. i like to think about stuff that could never happen, things i would love to happen, i play all the scenes in my head like a movie.. Almost like in Scrubs only mine are more realistic. Today, when i got to my Grammy's house they were all watching American Idol, and of course that meant i was too.. Well they were doing Beatles songs.. i was just picturing myself walking onto the stage at one point and slamming the girls head into the stage, i pictured exactly how it looked from the cameras point of view and when i was done, i stopped daydreaming. I do that with less.. fucked up things to.. Romantic things are the worst. I think that is whats driving me crazy with this new found ability to think.. ive actually had time to think about my status and my how alone i feel. I wish i had my own place so i could turn these thoughts into photographs or art of sorts. The dorms are smothering me... and no matter where i go whether its home or mammaw/pappaws or grammys its not MY space and i just cant work.

My plan for myself tomorrow is to work on my photo presentation. I have to think about three of my influences and i guess show images and talk about them? so far ive come up with Cindy Sherman, My Family, and Audrey Hepburn.. i am pretty sure that i cant use my family, and i really dont know how long it needs to be or even what she wants. I have an english paper i have to have typed up by Weds and a Final for Friday Practicum done by Friday and that midterm is superrrrrr long.

I wonder what its like to get lost in conversation with some one you connect with.. and i dont mean over the phone. I have recently been day dreaming alot about sitting in a field with someone.. anyone i guess just some one special and watch the sunset, i imagine couds in the sky.. not alot just enough to give the sky a little texture. I want to watch the colors change and then the stars appear.. i wouldnt care if we talked alot, we wouldnt even have to kiss, just laying there next to eachother would be enough. I want to get lost in time... i want to get lost in a beautiful place..and i really dont want to be lame and sound silly.
  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic but stuck
Audrey Hepburn

(no subject)

things in my life have changed so much, shit i have changed so much. I dont even know where to begin, i dont know what to say or how to say it. I dont even know what i am thinking half the time, or more realistically ever. I find myself numb to the world around me and trying so hard to please everyone including myself. I have lost a grandfather who i respected and cared alot for, and in all honestly i took him for granted. I turned another year older the day after we said our good-byes to him. My most recent realization is, i am so bored of being alone, yet i only want people arm lengths away. I want the things i shouldnt, i am constantly doing the things i shouldnt. I spend my days stoned and drunk. I see a pattern forming, but i am just going to ignore it.

I am growing up, but my art isnt forming. i feel so blocked here, atleast in photography.

i am so tired of being alone, im just ready to love someone, and them return that love. I feel like i have so much to offer but no one wants to take that offer up. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. i wonder why i only attrack retarded boys.. i mean it the only boys that like me have like no braincells its hard to talk to them.

i want to have fun. i dont want to overthink anymore. i want a fling.
  • Current Mood
    crappy crappy
Audrey Hepburn

(no subject)

Overview of School:

Printmaking- i am pretty much basically already sucked into this class. It seems to be the combo i was looking for. Photography and painting, in a way.
Modernity & Modernism- this is a history class, which so far for a history class i actually like. The teacher seems to be hip and really wants us to understand what we are looking at which is nice.
Color Photography- I actually really like this teacher as well, she seems to have her head on her shoulders. She has notes for us, in each class i go to which is actually great review. She went over the rule of thirds and content which was amazing even though we should have all learned that stuff in photo one. I am stoked on learning the process of color and my work is going to change.
English- Eh, i mean i cant complain we watched an episode of Ali G the first class. I feel its a bit to early to tell with this class. Although the teacher is a very interesting lady.
Friday Practicum- Nothings changed, screw that mandatory class.

Side note:I have this huge feeling that everything is going to change this semester. I feel like i am going to grow up, even more than i already have. I am going to grow as an artist and finally be able to apply all i know about art. I have the motivation to make beautiful things, and maybe not so beautiful things. The classes i have are classes that i feel like i am supposed to take. The path i am choosing right now seems almost... perfect? I am still an open book and i want to try so much, and i am going to. I hope this semester turns out just as amazing as i was thinking it would be.

Life in General:
It was great seeing my friends in Arizona, it was even better getting to spend some quality time with my family. I loved gaining three little sisters, i loved that i slept until like 3 everyday over break. Now that im back in San Francisco i find myself even more homesick for Arizona, for my boys, my best friends, mom and my home. I miss not feeling trapped, i miss feeling like i always had some one to run to and i miss that i had people i could could on no matter what. This changed a bit, and i didn't expect that to happen here, i thought it was to soon. I think its still early to comment on my life here in San Francisco right now, but i find myself feeling awkward around some of the people i got closest to last semester. i had high hopes for this semester and i still do, im just disappointed.. just a little. I hope to meet some of these new faces in my classes, and in the dorms. im ready for new people to get to know and make memories with. im ready for new adventures.
Peace, Love & Rock-N-Roll!

Read more...Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely
Audrey Hepburn

future 40 year old virgin.

Must you pop back into my life randomly like this? you broke my mother fucking heart.
Do you insist on ruining ever intimate moment by popping into my head?
Banks you make it impossible to move on because anytime i get close or i even think about it
you randomly come back into the picture. Even if it is just a fucking email, those hurt too.
I love you, and i always will but what the fuck was i? There is so many questions i have and
its time i fucking get the answers. My heart cannot take this game anymore. I have come to the conclusion
that either i am the skitzo one and i spent 4 years with an imaginary boyfriend, or i am really that
embarressing that some one has to avoid me at all costs. The sad thing is its kind of hard to imagine talking
to someone 24/7. so it has to be the later.. what is so wrong with me that you couldn't just love me?
Why did you feel the need to run? Why did you fucking string me along for so long when you had no
intensions of ever doing anything.. I gave you everything and i lost it, i guess all the bullshit i started
pulling was me realizing that i meant nothing to you. What else was i supposed to think when there
was always some excuse to why i couldnt see you, or why you couldnt come see me. I really need some
closure, i cant keep thinking about you like this. I cant keep having these questions in my head because
they are driving me insane and keeping me from opening up to anyone else. Not that there really is
anyone else, its not possible i seem to fuck things up anytime that is even possible. Was i just one of your
episodes? did they finally bring you back to reality and you have forgotten me? Do you only talk to me
when you are having an episode? This is so pointless. Im never going to get over this fucker, im never
going to get closure because he is never going to be honest with me.

The saddest part about all this is, uncontiously i keep my promise to him. which is why if i ever get close to
being intimate with someone i freeze. I cant let anyone touch me like he should have. I cant ever let anyone
see me like he should have saw me, because as soon as it gets close i run. i lock up and i just cant stop thinking
that it should be him. I still have my virginity because i made a promise and i wanted so bad to keep it. I cant
get past that promise, and i know i should.. but i really cant. I really prob will be a 40 year old virgin.

I wonder what it feels like to have your strong feelings returned, because it seems almost impossible for anyone
to have them towards me. What is so wrong with me? Am i one of those crazy insane girls with alot of
baggage? why is it humanly impossible for anyone to be happy with me. i dont think im that bad.
but i guess i am completely and utterly wrong

Happy mother fucking 2008 Banks Hewitt, thats for fucking me up royally.
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed
Audrey Hepburn

(no subject)

i am going to get my tongue pierced as soon as i get back to frisco.
the end.

&& i met a cute boy at the nsaa class of 07 reunion party.. he didnt go there
but he is best friends with the kid i semi went to prom with..

ohhh boy.
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious
Audrey Hepburn

*cough cough*

I hate these damn journals because they always make me seem so unhappy. I guess until now i usually am pretty unhappy. Until this year i haven't felt like i was living my life for myself, i felt like i was constantly doing for others but no one ever saw that, they just saw it as me being selfish? I would tear myself apart constantly for not making everyone happy.. thats all i wanted to do was make my FRIENDS happy. Its impossible to make everyone happy, thats what ive learned no matter how hard or how much heart i put into things i couldnt make everyone happy. Maybe i am selfish now, or maybe its just because i live on my own now away from those people i felt i needed to make happy. Maybe i felt i needed those people to be happy out of guilt, or maybe i just really cared. Now all i know is, im going to live in the moment, i am going to do what make ME happy and if it happens to make drewski, rachel, adam, fran and/or julia happy then so be it.. thats what it does. Which i have found, we all compromise. there is no only one person happy, its all of us. We dont do something unless we all can agree on it.. and at times we dont even do anything that has to do with eachother.

I love my life now, i love who i am growing into and i love the confidence i am learning to have. I have grown more as a person in the last 4 months then i have in the last year. I have met some of the most amazing people, and i have learned who exactly is my real friends. My home is no longer Arizona, but California and its taken me until now to realize California is in my blood. There is no denying that. I snapped today reading one of Jess' bulletiens. i wrote her this : i've had it. Jess you cant fucking tell me what or who i am. You cant tell me that i didnt have feelings for you or even care about you because thats bullshit. Im not going to keep going back and argueing how much you ment to me. You made me happy, i loved you and when i was ready to show you that you werent ready for me. So i did exactly what you told me to do, get over you. I told you that i wasnt going to get involved with you right before i moved, and i didnt. I shut off my feelings for you because you walked all over them when i did lay things out there. So, your over me now because you THINK im not gay or bi or whatever the fuck you want to call me. well good, because im sick of being made feel guitly for not returning the feelings like you did AFTER you told me to move on. You still mean the world to me, and i still constantly talk about you. I refuse to call you an ex because you ment more to me than that. You were the perfect relationship, or you could have been. I am glad that you are doing well this year Jess, you deserve it. You can't keep sending me things or saying things just to hurt me. That message was completely uncalled for and i cant forgive you. I want to see you when i get back, but i dont think its a good idea because obviously i just make you misreble and thats not fair for either of us. I love you Jess, and your always going to be an important person in my life. You helped me see alot of things that i didnt before, and your still doing that now. Honestly i dont even know if its in our best intrest to keep in contact because just reading your stupid survey hurt me, and put a pain in my chest i didnt think possible. I just really dont want to keep hurting people anymore, and i guess i feel the only way to stop is to stop talking to those people i hurt. I dont know what im saying.. i guess this is the vibe im getting from you.. so ill just be the one to say the good byes. your amazing and i hope you get everything your heart wants. I hope you succeed and can live happily ever after. Thank you for being there for me when i needed it, because no one else ever was. probbly not the smartest thing to write, but even if shes over me, done. If she claims we are friends then we can talk things out and stay friends.. if not then the time we spent together was amazing and its time i will cherish for the rest of my life, itll be times i will tell my kids and grandkids about.. Jess ment the world to me, but she could never see that. When someone cant see that, they never will and you cant do anything but give them what they want.. you to leave them alone.

I had this crazy dream about murder last night, the murder kept telling me i was in love with Drew, she even pretended she murdered him and told me i had nothing to live for because the only person i could ever truely love and would ever love me was dead. WTF?! i am pretty positive i dont have feelings for drew like that at all. The murder went after my mom after she came looking for me, so i tried to protect her and handcuffed the killer to the stearing wheel, it kinda backfired and im pretty sure it killed both me and the murder. I woke up when the car was going under water and i was telling my mom i loved her. it was a crazy long dream.. i wonder what it was trying to tell me.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused