January 7th, 2008

Audrey Hepburn

future 40 year old virgin.

Must you pop back into my life randomly like this? you broke my mother fucking heart.
Do you insist on ruining ever intimate moment by popping into my head?
Banks you make it impossible to move on because anytime i get close or i even think about it
you randomly come back into the picture. Even if it is just a fucking email, those hurt too.
I love you, and i always will but what the fuck was i? There is so many questions i have and
its time i fucking get the answers. My heart cannot take this game anymore. I have come to the conclusion
that either i am the skitzo one and i spent 4 years with an imaginary boyfriend, or i am really that
embarressing that some one has to avoid me at all costs. The sad thing is its kind of hard to imagine talking
to someone 24/7. so it has to be the later.. what is so wrong with me that you couldn't just love me?
Why did you feel the need to run? Why did you fucking string me along for so long when you had no
intensions of ever doing anything.. I gave you everything and i lost it, i guess all the bullshit i started
pulling was me realizing that i meant nothing to you. What else was i supposed to think when there
was always some excuse to why i couldnt see you, or why you couldnt come see me. I really need some
closure, i cant keep thinking about you like this. I cant keep having these questions in my head because
they are driving me insane and keeping me from opening up to anyone else. Not that there really is
anyone else, its not possible i seem to fuck things up anytime that is even possible. Was i just one of your
episodes? did they finally bring you back to reality and you have forgotten me? Do you only talk to me
when you are having an episode? This is so pointless. Im never going to get over this fucker, im never
going to get closure because he is never going to be honest with me.

The saddest part about all this is, uncontiously i keep my promise to him. which is why if i ever get close to
being intimate with someone i freeze. I cant let anyone touch me like he should have. I cant ever let anyone
see me like he should have saw me, because as soon as it gets close i run. i lock up and i just cant stop thinking
that it should be him. I still have my virginity because i made a promise and i wanted so bad to keep it. I cant
get past that promise, and i know i should.. but i really cant. I really prob will be a 40 year old virgin.

I wonder what it feels like to have your strong feelings returned, because it seems almost impossible for anyone
to have them towards me. What is so wrong with me? Am i one of those crazy insane girls with alot of
baggage? why is it humanly impossible for anyone to be happy with me. i dont think im that bad.
but i guess i am completely and utterly wrong


Happy mother fucking 2008 Banks Hewitt, thats for fucking me up royally.
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