December 15th, 2007

Audrey Hepburn

L O V E

It's almost been a year since Banks and I broke up and as much as im over it, im not. I love the kid, i will always love him. I will always worry about him, and i will always think of my virginity as his. I feel so pathetic, i am so sick of being scared of sex. I am so sick of the fact that i dont have sex and that im to scared of sex ruin everything. Im sick of boy getting bored of me, and im sick of being told im such a great friend. I just want to mean something to some one. I just want to get sweet texts, funny cards, notes... anything. i just want to mean something to someone and i want someone to mean something to me.

I feel like i have been watching way to many James Dean movies. I have been filling my own head and heart with false hope. Real love is dead. There is no boy outthere that is willing to wait. There is no boy outthere who will love me despite my insecurities(i have alot). I dont even know why im so worried about 'love'. i guess im just lonely and i guess being 'dumped' has taken its toll on me. Its hard to be friends with someone you've had a crush on since the moment you met them. Its hard to be one of some ones 'best friends' when you just want to go back to watching movies, making out and falling asleep in eachothers bed. You know that whole situation would have been exactly what i wanted, if the feelings were returned equally.

SF is my home, i love it and i cannot wait until i have my OWN place with MY friends. Hopefully Drewski and Rachel. When that time comes i hope all my friends come and visit. Smoke, drink, trip, explore... im so excited for this next semeseter.

oh ps. James Dean goes to my school. Ok, well his grandson? (looks just like him, just thinner) Im pretty sure hes gay.. bummer.
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