_citylights___ (_citylights__) wrote,

  • Mood:
i'm coming to the conclusion there is something really wrong with me. I wish i knew where to start on what exactly IS wrong with me. I am a bitch. I have no heart & i can place people out of my mind no matter what. I feel like a stone sometimes, like nothing can get in and i cant let anything out. Since Banks and i broke up i haven't been the same. I don't even really remember who i used to be. I know i was a sweet girl, i was uncorrupted or atleast my heart was. So many things are getting to me right now and i dont understand why they are. I thought i had come to the conclusion that i like people, i love personalities thats what im attracted to rather than sexes. Now its like i think i like these people but then they get to close(ie try and kiss me, touch me ect..)i cringe my whole body just wants to run and escape the moment. The funny thing is since Banks dumped me there has only been 2 people who didnt make me cringe when they touched me and one of them there will never be a chance with because well.. i wont ever want to ruin an amazing friendship and bond with that person and another that well.. i honestly just am scared to let myself open up to because well when i liked him the first time around he kinda well.. we will just say he confused the fuck out of me.

I dont even care about finding some one to love me anymore. I know that when you look for it, it just doesnt come. I just want to understand why i keep pushing people away. people who could be fucking amazing. I did it with so many people and i dont know if i can honestly blame Banks. Its been 2 years basically.. i have to start taking responsiblity for my own emotions, he cant control them anymore.

The thing that really upsets me with all the people i know, it doesnt seem like you can get close to someone unless you are phsyical with them. (ie sex & oral) That is not something i believe in. I dont think that people should be just giving themselves away so early. I mean there is so much you can learn about a person by just talking to them and spending time with them. Sex to me, any kind of sex is so personal. I want to share it with some one who i know wont judge me. Some one who i am close to mentally. i want a connection. People don't give me much of chance because i dont go down on them, or let them go down on me or what the fuck ever. People just give up... i am so tired of people giving up on me. The only thing i miss about having aboyfriend is having someone who fucking care, or atleasted acted like they did. I want some one to care about me and i want to care about them just as much.. i want some kinda of mutual attraction with some one.

i want to understand why i am fucking crazy
i want to know why im scared of imtamacy
i want to understand.

  • (no subject)

    i have this amazing ability to make men who absolutely adore me completely hate me in a matter of months. I feel like anytime i find something or…

  • (no subject)

    i think its safe to say im going to be the crazy catlady.

  • (no subject)

    why does my mind so often wonder back to him? i am fully aware that what we had is over & that love i felt or feel for him is mute. I still can't…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 1 comment