I dont even care about finding some one to love me anymore. I know that when you look for it, it just doesnt come. I just want to understand why i keep pushing people away. people who could be fucking amazing. I did it with so many people and i dont know if i can honestly blame Banks. Its been 2 years basically.. i have to start taking responsiblity for my own emotions, he cant control them anymore.
The thing that really upsets me with all the people i know, it doesnt seem like you can get close to someone unless you are phsyical with them. (ie sex & oral) That is not something i believe in. I dont think that people should be just giving themselves away so early. I mean there is so much you can learn about a person by just talking to them and spending time with them. Sex to me, any kind of sex is so personal. I want to share it with some one who i know wont judge me. Some one who i am close to mentally. i want a connection. People don't give me much of chance because i dont go down on them, or let them go down on me or what the fuck ever. People just give up... i am so tired of people giving up on me. The only thing i miss about having aboyfriend is having someone who fucking care, or atleasted acted like they did. I want some one to care about me and i want to care about them just as much.. i want some kinda of mutual attraction with some one.
i want to understand why i am fucking crazy
i want to know why im scared of imtamacy
i want to understand.