_citylights___ (_citylights__) wrote,

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*cough cough*

I hate these damn journals because they always make me seem so unhappy. I guess until now i usually am pretty unhappy. Until this year i haven't felt like i was living my life for myself, i felt like i was constantly doing for others but no one ever saw that, they just saw it as me being selfish? I would tear myself apart constantly for not making everyone happy.. thats all i wanted to do was make my FRIENDS happy. Its impossible to make everyone happy, thats what ive learned no matter how hard or how much heart i put into things i couldnt make everyone happy. Maybe i am selfish now, or maybe its just because i live on my own now away from those people i felt i needed to make happy. Maybe i felt i needed those people to be happy out of guilt, or maybe i just really cared. Now all i know is, im going to live in the moment, i am going to do what make ME happy and if it happens to make drewski, rachel, adam, fran and/or julia happy then so be it.. thats what it does. Which i have found, we all compromise. there is no only one person happy, its all of us. We dont do something unless we all can agree on it.. and at times we dont even do anything that has to do with eachother.

I love my life now, i love who i am growing into and i love the confidence i am learning to have. I have grown more as a person in the last 4 months then i have in the last year. I have met some of the most amazing people, and i have learned who exactly is my real friends. My home is no longer Arizona, but California and its taken me until now to realize California is in my blood. There is no denying that. I snapped today reading one of Jess' bulletiens. i wrote her this : i've had it. Jess you cant fucking tell me what or who i am. You cant tell me that i didnt have feelings for you or even care about you because thats bullshit. Im not going to keep going back and argueing how much you ment to me. You made me happy, i loved you and when i was ready to show you that you werent ready for me. So i did exactly what you told me to do, get over you. I told you that i wasnt going to get involved with you right before i moved, and i didnt. I shut off my feelings for you because you walked all over them when i did lay things out there. So, your over me now because you THINK im not gay or bi or whatever the fuck you want to call me. well good, because im sick of being made feel guitly for not returning the feelings like you did AFTER you told me to move on. You still mean the world to me, and i still constantly talk about you. I refuse to call you an ex because you ment more to me than that. You were the perfect relationship, or you could have been. I am glad that you are doing well this year Jess, you deserve it. You can't keep sending me things or saying things just to hurt me. That message was completely uncalled for and i cant forgive you. I want to see you when i get back, but i dont think its a good idea because obviously i just make you misreble and thats not fair for either of us. I love you Jess, and your always going to be an important person in my life. You helped me see alot of things that i didnt before, and your still doing that now. Honestly i dont even know if its in our best intrest to keep in contact because just reading your stupid survey hurt me, and put a pain in my chest i didnt think possible. I just really dont want to keep hurting people anymore, and i guess i feel the only way to stop is to stop talking to those people i hurt. I dont know what im saying.. i guess this is the vibe im getting from you.. so ill just be the one to say the good byes. your amazing and i hope you get everything your heart wants. I hope you succeed and can live happily ever after. Thank you for being there for me when i needed it, because no one else ever was. probbly not the smartest thing to write, but even if shes over me, done. If she claims we are friends then we can talk things out and stay friends.. if not then the time we spent together was amazing and its time i will cherish for the rest of my life, itll be times i will tell my kids and grandkids about.. Jess ment the world to me, but she could never see that. When someone cant see that, they never will and you cant do anything but give them what they want.. you to leave them alone.

I had this crazy dream about murder last night, the murder kept telling me i was in love with Drew, she even pretended she murdered him and told me i had nothing to live for because the only person i could ever truely love and would ever love me was dead. WTF?! i am pretty positive i dont have feelings for drew like that at all. The murder went after my mom after she came looking for me, so i tried to protect her and handcuffed the killer to the stearing wheel, it kinda backfired and im pretty sure it killed both me and the murder. I woke up when the car was going under water and i was telling my mom i loved her. it was a crazy long dream.. i wonder what it was trying to tell me.
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