_citylights___ (_citylights__) wrote,

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I have been spending alot of time thinking, i guess thats what happens when you stop smoking pot all day all the time. I have been thinking about how all my friend in Arizona have moved on easily without me there. It makes me really happy to see that, but at the same time it really kind of hurts. I rarely ever talk to Ryan, i understand that with him because hes just as busy as i am. Lauren is in her senior year of highschool and i know for a fact shes busy, not to mention her friends dont like me.. so why would she talk to me anymore. Lindsay, gosh i dont even know i guess thats the one that has me the most confused. I text her and comment her and i never get reply. Ill get a text from Colin or Chris saying shes with them. How hard is it to tell me whats up? I know that my friends arent the only guilty parties, i am guilty of not trying as hard as i could. I told myself when i left SF that the people who contacted me and the people i thought to contact were the people who were ment to be in my life. Its really hard to let go of old friendships but i feel like when i get back to Arizona, its going to be me doing alot of letting go and saying alot of my final good-byes. The friends i see over this break are the friends i am going to TRY with, they are obviously the people who care about me as much as i care about them.

Why is sex constantly on my mind? I haven't even had it yet but i cant stop thinking about it. Its not the act of sex im thinking about its WHY i dont have it. I want to have sex, i want to be ready, im kind of over this virgin thing. Maybe its not sex i want, maybe im just in need of well.. getting off. I know there are other ways of getting off without sex but i find oral to be extremely personal, and im not so sure im into it unless im 'with' that person. I dont let people get close to me like that because i dont like how I look. i am so scared that the person who i am with is going to feel the same way about my body as i do.. i dont want to be the girls guys talk about because she was gross, or terrible. I am really glad i didn't have sex with Adam. As much as i liked him he didnt deserve it. He was really good at taking me out of the mood.

I need closure on that whole Adam thing, there are somethings i wish i would have told him, i didnt have time because his friends were coming. (What a fucking douchebag.) I wish i would have told him how, i liked him and i wouldnt mind dating him but im not into lables. I am the kind of girl who just wants a good friend who cares about her and that they mutually they care about eachother. If something happened with someone else it wouldnt be a huge deal, as long as it wasnt kept a secret and as long as it didnt constantly happen. He was right when he said there was a lack of communication, i wish i could have told him he just made me nervous and i didnt want him to think i was silly. I wish i would have told him that he didnt respect me, and the whole week before he 'dumped' me i was really having issues with the fact that he had no respect for me. The thing that really upsets me is he said i was one of his best friends.. i refuse to believe that because if i was i wouldnt have felt so pressured to have sex with him. He would have understood why i wasnt into having sex. insted he made comments about how things werent fair, and how he doesnt see virginity as a big deal. whether or not its a big deal for him, it is for me and if he cared at all.. he would have respected that. The thing that i really SHOULD have told him was the reason why im so scared of sex.. He probbly would have been more understanding if i told him i was just scared he'd think i was gross. Oh well, thats done and over now.. i shouldnt dwell on something that i have no power over.. he'll regret he decsion.. i just have a feeling he will.

It's kind of funny that i complain about boys. Shelby made me realize i look sort of pathetic. I look like im so unhappy because i dont have a boy.. I kinda look like i NEED one. She is right when she says you cant be truely happy unless you make yourself happy. I do make myself happy, anytime i can have a conversation, a deep and meaningful one, i am happy when i write my feelings out and i am happy when i am reading a book. I guess with boys, its just nice to have some one there to make you feel nice about yourself so you dont have to! I'm done looking for boys, and i am so done being shy.

New years Resolutions:
1. Stop letting people take advantage of my kindness
2. Go Vegitarian for ATLEAST a month
3. Be more productive and focused in school
4. If i want something, go for it. Fuck shyness.

i cant wait to get to Arizona.

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    i have this amazing ability to make men who absolutely adore me completely hate me in a matter of months. I feel like anytime i find something or…

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    i think its safe to say im going to be the crazy catlady.

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    why does my mind so often wonder back to him? i am fully aware that what we had is over & that love i felt or feel for him is mute. I still can't…

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