Why is sex constantly on my mind? I haven't even had it yet but i cant stop thinking about it. Its not the act of sex im thinking about its WHY i dont have it. I want to have sex, i want to be ready, im kind of over this virgin thing. Maybe its not sex i want, maybe im just in need of well.. getting off. I know there are other ways of getting off without sex but i find oral to be extremely personal, and im not so sure im into it unless im 'with' that person. I dont let people get close to me like that because i dont like how I look. i am so scared that the person who i am with is going to feel the same way about my body as i do.. i dont want to be the girls guys talk about because she was gross, or terrible. I am really glad i didn't have sex with Adam. As much as i liked him he didnt deserve it. He was really good at taking me out of the mood.
I need closure on that whole Adam thing, there are somethings i wish i would have told him, i didnt have time because his friends were coming. (What a fucking douchebag.) I wish i would have told him how, i liked him and i wouldnt mind dating him but im not into lables. I am the kind of girl who just wants a good friend who cares about her and that they mutually they care about eachother. If something happened with someone else it wouldnt be a huge deal, as long as it wasnt kept a secret and as long as it didnt constantly happen. He was right when he said there was a lack of communication, i wish i could have told him he just made me nervous and i didnt want him to think i was silly. I wish i would have told him that he didnt respect me, and the whole week before he 'dumped' me i was really having issues with the fact that he had no respect for me. The thing that really upsets me is he said i was one of his best friends.. i refuse to believe that because if i was i wouldnt have felt so pressured to have sex with him. He would have understood why i wasnt into having sex. insted he made comments about how things werent fair, and how he doesnt see virginity as a big deal. whether or not its a big deal for him, it is for me and if he cared at all.. he would have respected that. The thing that i really SHOULD have told him was the reason why im so scared of sex.. He probbly would have been more understanding if i told him i was just scared he'd think i was gross. Oh well, thats done and over now.. i shouldnt dwell on something that i have no power over.. he'll regret he decsion.. i just have a feeling he will.
It's kind of funny that i complain about boys. Shelby made me realize i look sort of pathetic. I look like im so unhappy because i dont have a boy.. I kinda look like i NEED one. She is right when she says you cant be truely happy unless you make yourself happy. I do make myself happy, anytime i can have a conversation, a deep and meaningful one, i am happy when i write my feelings out and i am happy when i am reading a book. I guess with boys, its just nice to have some one there to make you feel nice about yourself so you dont have to! I'm done looking for boys, and i am so done being shy.
New years Resolutions:
1. Stop letting people take advantage of my kindness
2. Go Vegitarian for ATLEAST a month
3. Be more productive and focused in school
4. If i want something, go for it. Fuck shyness.
i cant wait to get to Arizona.