i have this amazing ability to make men who absolutely adore me completely hate me in a matter of months. I feel like anytime i find something or someone who i feel like i could actually really see myself with they are unattainable. My first love will always be a distance from me, i will never see him. I will always love him and never find anyone that will come close to him. But i will never see him and have him. Maybe that is why anyone else that i end up really liking end up hating me. Maybe i really am completely bat shit crazy.
None the less i have this idea in my head of the perfect person for me, and this past week i met someone who i would love to have a chance with. It was scary how perfectly me i felt with him. How much fun i had with him. How good i felt. It was exactly the way i could imagine my first love and i together. it was creepy and amazing. It brought back a pain in my hear that i havent felt in a long time. I remember now that i am incapable of ever getting what i really want.
this is me being selfish.
i think its safe to say im going to be the crazy catlady.
why does my mind so often wonder back to him?
i am fully aware that what we had is over &
that love i felt or feel for him is mute.
I still can't help but think about him and
the way he made me feel. The only boy.. man
i will ever really love. Of course i have
learned from that love and i am still learning.
the one conclusion that hasn't changed in all
this time without his voice, thoughts or even
a email.. i still care about him deeply & wish
everday that things were different. He was my
atleast i thought so.
*sigh* I am very happy right now, or i was until i started
reading the Twilight Saga, sad i know but it hits so
close to home for a really strange reason. it makes my heart
feel like it is missing something really important.
sometimes even though i am really really happy with my life.
i get kinda lonely.. it's rare but, when it happens it sucks.
i feel like im back at square one again.
i have been good lately i guess, no complaints i guess.
i work alot, like fourty hours a week. For awhile there i
was playing alot too. going out to bars, drinking like
mad making friends.. just having fun. i kinda burnt out
and became semi homeless. right now im staying at my
friend julias house until i either move back into the dorms
or i move into a place with my best friend drew and my
friends issabelle and zack.
im just tired, lonely and homesick..
im missing good conversation.
there is something missing in my life, i have a huge void in my chest. i feel like i have a constant lump in my throat. iam getting good at faking happy.
lately ive been womdering what your thinking and how you are.i feel like i have lost all the creativity in my body.
i haven't forgotten our past, and i haven't forgotten you.
I miss you, There is no one that can compare to you.
There is no one that will be able to replace you in my heart.
I wish things were different, but they aren't and its been accepted.
Love inspires me so much, whether its the bad things or good.
ive come to the conclusion i scare boys off because im needy.
am i needy? i never thought i was until recently.
I miss being in love, i miss the small things.
i can survive, i just miss them.</center>
I got a new job at a Cafe' in North Beach called "La Boulange"
im learning how to become a real Barista, i wish i could wear my hair down.
i'm coming to the conclusion there is something really wrong with me. I wish i knew where to start on what exactly IS wrong with me. I am a bitch. I have no heart & i can place people out of my mind no matter what. I feel like a stone sometimes, like nothing can get in and i cant let anything out. Since Banks and i broke up i haven't been the same. I don't even really remember who i used to be. I know i was a sweet girl, i was uncorrupted or atleast my heart was. So many things are getting to me right now and i dont understand why they are. I thought i had come to the conclusion that i like people, i love personalities thats what im attracted to rather than sexes. Now its like i think i like these people but then they get to close(ie try and kiss me, touch me ect..)i cringe my whole body just wants to run and escape the moment. The funny thing is since Banks dumped me there has only been 2 people who didnt make me cringe when they touched me and one of them there will never be a chance with because well.. i wont ever want to ruin an amazing friendship and bond with that person and another that well.. i honestly just am scared to let myself open up to because well when i liked him the first time around he kinda well.. we will just say he confused the fuck out of me.
I dont even care about finding some one to love me anymore. I know that when you look for it, it just doesnt come. I just want to understand why i keep pushing people away. people who could be fucking amazing. I did it with so many people and i dont know if i can honestly blame Banks. Its been 2 years basically.. i have to start taking responsiblity for my own emotions, he cant control them anymore.
The thing that really upsets me with all the people i know, it doesnt seem like you can get close to someone unless you are phsyical with them. (ie sex & oral) That is not something i believe in. I dont think that people should be just giving themselves away so early. I mean there is so much you can learn about a person by just talking to them and spending time with them. Sex to me, any kind of sex is so personal. I want to share it with some one who i know wont judge me. Some one who i am close to mentally. i want a connection. People don't give me much of chance because i dont go down on them, or let them go down on me or what the fuck ever. People just give up... i am so tired of people giving up on me. The only thing i miss about having aboyfriend is having someone who fucking care, or atleasted acted like they did. I want some one to care about me and i want to care about them just as much.. i want some kinda of mutual attraction with some one.
i want to understand why i am fucking crazy
i want to know why im scared of imtamacy
i want to understand.
i love that i live in San Francisco.
I guess i remember why i was so upset about moving away i knew as soon as Ryan and i moved that our friendship would never be the same. In fact we wouldnt even be the same people when we came back home. I was right to be upset to leave the boys because they are growing up in high school boys and well i dont get to be part of it. I loved my friends dearly when i left, and i still love them. Since i have gotten home to Arizona on May 14th, i have tried to see them everynight.. i have seen them once. Ryan always has some excuse why he cant hang out or doesnt want to. i can completely understand.. trust me ive been hiding out too. BUT COME THE FUCK ON its not like i wasnt his best friend when we went to school. its not like im fucking crazy and loud. To be honest i think the real reason behind his behavior is fucking smack. i swear if i find out hes been doing h i will fucking kill him. esp if thats the reason why hes ignoring me.
i honestly feel like none of my friends here even fucking care about me anymore. I would have been better off staying in San Francisco.. atleast i have real friends there and not just people that used me for rides everywhere..
you know what fuck AZ. Moving away from this shit hole is the best thing that ever happened to me. Fuck the people i used to call friends.
Growing up is so fun. I can't believe im already done with a year of college. I feel so much more grown up that i did before i left. Now that im back in AZ i dont even know why i was so upset to leave it. I have never been so happy. San Francisco is my home.. I am myself there. I feel like when im in Arizona i am being smothered, i cant let loose and have fun..
moving away was so smart.