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Wow... [07 Jul 2010|10:40pm]
I tend to not do this anymore, but I was just skimming through some past entries, dating to around last year may/june... incredible. So much in my life has changed since then. I know so much more now [yet still have so much to learn], I just can't even begin to fathom. I feel as though I was a different person, in many ways. Perhaps I'll take the time at some point to further elaborate, but for now, I'll allow the slight shock to settle, and do something more productive - like shower :).

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Agh... [15 Oct 2009|02:10am]
I have so much work to do on the singing front!

I can't wait. :)

I spoke to a very special friend of mine tonight, who I constantly give less credit to than he deserves, just so you know ;). But he said something very interesting to me.

He said what the wind has been telling me for the past little while. Everything and everyone is telling me to do this. I'm telling me to do this.

This same friend used an analogy when I had trouble speaking to him about something, many years ago. He said, just think of it like a bandaid, just rip it off in one shot.

I wonder if it will really be less painful that way. But then the alternative is far worse.

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Thank You [13 Oct 2009|12:51am]
Your FB profile says you're following your dreams too. I hope that's true. That's the only way to live, every day, IMHO. It's easy to get caught up in the working world and never get around to throwing caution to the wind. - Friend, and author of http://30sleeps.com/blog/.

I'll say it again. Thank you. These are exciting times: I can feel it. There are many choices to be made. Very soon. Your words will help me make them. And so I could repeat myself once more, but I won't. I will allow my gratitude to suspend, because I know I'll make use of your words countless amounts of times.

Word to everyone out there who is close to me, and who I see is following their dreams: I won't watch your backs as you chase after them. My time to leap is approaching.

I just learned the word 'élan' in french, this past weekend. Well, this élan is nearing it's end.

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Cause She Doesn't Get Your Humor Like I Do... [04 Oct 2009|11:31pm]
So, I've been wanting to write this entry for quite some time, now. This is one of those delayed 'summer' entries. It's about this guy I know, who I had the pleasure of jamming with, performing with, being absolutely creepy with, and talking a great deal to, this past summer.

I've known him for quite some time, and while everytime I see him, he's still MBu!!;p, I really got to know him a lot better this summer, and observe his growth [though luckily not vertically]. And be impressed by his process of thought, which is just very logical. And was always very logical, p.s.. And so, although we talked more than jammed at times, and didn't headline at the Pound ;p, talking felt just as valuable as playing music.

So to describe this person a bit. I think that he lives in his head a bit more than I do, although he shares as much of an emotional appreciation for music as I do and takes it as seriously as I do. So he's the kind of person who walks you to the car late at night, even though you only parked a block away, and then asks you to call when you get home, to make sure you arrived safely; who always offers his own, to you; who respects your thoughts, your individuality, [your ridiculous humor]; who is open minded enough to acknowledge your ability to change, encourage it, and believe in you. Your words were truthful, they were encouraging, and they were honest [so that's the same as truthful, but you know, I'm trying to make a point here!]. All these things are what make this person a quality/awesome person [though not solely], and a good friend.

I'm not sure if he'll ever read this: I might or might not decide to tell him. In any case, if there's a message I can convey to this person it's that I believe in you as well. You are one among the [growing, but not large] list of people that have changed me, and got me to see things a bit differently, and recognize a bit more complexity behind the issues we've discussed [and apply that to issues we haven't discussed], and approach them with a bit more of an open mind. Although, harmonies are not the one way to go ;), and I still think I make for a creepier sex offender than you [nyezz :)]. Hah, I'll probably tell you about this after all, because we still have a duet to work on [fine, there can be harmonies], and 'one day' - even if we aren't in the same city - we will write/compose it. And it'll be better than 'Game Over' ;).

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The Rise Shall Follow the Fall [03 Oct 2009|08:54pm]
Because we will it so.

So, it's not easy. And there are many walls... and there are many people that can't be relied on. And there isn't enough hunger. And they don't want it enough. And so their commitments are hazy.

And when you think you're getting somewhere with someone... and you worked with them, and there was a silent agreement (not so silent, actually) and things were going well, and something (good) was being produced, and there was mutual excitement... all of a sudden, there is silence. There is a collapse. A venture, and hours have been lost. Another opportunity's potential becomes more clouded, and uncertain, and barely present at all. Not at all, side from an extra connection being made, and a tiny slot for chance being opened. A connection that does not seem hungry enough to keep on producing. Many, actually. The heart of the artist wanes. It is fickle...

And so there it is. I ask again, where is the hunger? Must I do everything on my own? Where are the people who want more out of this. And why are they so hard to find. Why are people afraid of the amazing and wonderful things that could be done, and experiences that we could create, and have.

And so walls tear down, and opportunities have fallen. And I now focus my sights in another direction, in hope of finding different spirits, with different capacities for love. .. I think I have an idea.

And so begins my journey...
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Concessions... [27 Sep 2009|09:12pm]
So, I've come to the conclusion that pro 'peace and love' folk, who although might not ALL put much thought into what that means for them, are at least pro peace and love. If more people at least advocated pro peace and lovery, the world would be a Considerably different place [though not completely, because advocating obviously doesn't mean practising]. But so that's something I could work with, because at a certain level -- peace and love are what I'm going for as well, and they're by nature, more open minded view points.

On a related note, I've already accumulated some 'sexist office remarks' stories, and thinking about them really aggravated me. I just think to myself 'do you realize how foolish what you're saying is? you could be so much better than that'. So the problem with me in relation to these societal issues is that they affect me on too much of an emotional level. And that's because I'm not understanding them the right way. And this makes me think, once again, of what Megan and I spoke about [I love you, btw, and hope you're doing well, and I'm stealing you when I get in town, ya hear? You must send me updates on life status and such :)]. And so I sat down, and made a list of what I think the problem is -- in this case, men being socialized to think a certain way, and feeling pressured to fit into roles that society prescribed to them -- why I think the problem exists, and what makes them say some of the closed minded, offensive/thoughtless things they do.

And so a large part is that from their end, it's more a matter of thoughtlessness stemming from habit than an intended offense towards women, in this case. And so realizing the pressure that a lot of men have to be this society-set notion of 'the man', and what activities/behaviours/remarks could make them seen as less of a man, plays a major role. And it's hard to live up to, and more importantly -- it's restricting. And it's not THEIRS.

So, if I intend on changing ANYONE [regardless as to whether that's with or without music] the sort of aggravated emotional responses I have, that I've always had, gotta go. Or at least be dealt with in a more intelligent way: because they're not condusive to clear thinking, at all. Or to anything else, for that matter.

And so the reason they come about is because of the standards I set on people that are my OWN. And not theirs. And so the trial here is bringing your perspective standards to a different level [not always lower, necessarily], in order to fully understand the 'world' of people who live that way. In this case, a way that I find restricting, and not solely for them. And this is a really weird thing for me to say/think, because it's contrary to many influences from my childhood that I've accrued, from many different sources. But that doesn't mean that they were right, and that doesn't mean that I was right. Bref, I wasn't.

In any case, all I know is that this really HAS to change. Otherwise, it sort of puts me at a halt. Not even as far as goals go, just as far as my personal growth goes. It is restricting me, actually.

Disclaimer: So, once again, the 'he said' parts of this entry are based on generalizations, that people are as free to fall into as they are to fall out of.


On another note. Holy shitmonger. I have so much to do. I have to prepare a track with vocals, soon. I'm just so... uncertain right now about so many things. I'm happy... but there's just many things that need to get done, and I'm not pushing enough, and I don't know what's holding me back. I don't have time to be held back. There are certain things that I've been trying to do, for many years, that I have not achieved yet. And while I'm capable of so much, these things have been particularly difficult, and I haven't succeeded yet. So, one of them is a more obvious link, but the other one... I feel as though if I don't fight this and do these things now, I never will. And time will just pass, as it has been. And my not having changed too much from an aesthetic point of view, as 1D as that seems, is a VERY large deception. I DON'T have time. It has to happen now. I can see a pool of regrets trailing these things, otherwise, because they represent a precedent of how I want life to go. And when I set goals, I sure as hell want to meet them. And so, before witnesses, I swear to myself, for myself, that I will do these things every day that goes by.

Lol, I didn't perhaps set too large an agenda? Nah... ;p
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These tunes are keeping me up... [25 Sep 2009|01:31am]
I'm still not in bed, though I should be, but I don't want to be. Though I don't know what to write. It's weird. Well, here's something I wanted to share:

So, it's not one of her best solos, but I still think she's awesome.

K, so besides the fact that her jete into attitude turn is ridiculous, check out 1:07-1:10. THAT's what I love about her. Who moves like that? She completely throws herself into the moves with so much soul/power. Her transitions [just like that one] are amazing. I actually posted another solo of hers several entries back, where you really get to see the quality in her movement. I don't know... compared to seasons five dancers [esp. girls], who may have had a more solid technique... they just did what they were told. The quality of movement/transitions were boring. Anyways, that dance is just so good. Do yourself a favor, and just watch it.

I'm getting sleepy now.

Goodnight page.
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Source of Strength Found [11 Sep 2009|09:51pm]
So, my tiredness was throwing me off. Fuck bars, and so called 'situation changes', that don't actually change anything. I AM excited.

And I'm ready.
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External Forces... [11 Sep 2009|05:26pm]
... Empower me.

I am so tired. I feel as though this summer is culminating to one moment which is now. The entire backlog of sleep that accumulated, along with ridiculously busy schedules, and practically no moments of relaxation to myself, has finally hit. And I am so tired.

I can't really find a way to describe this summer other than with the word "mess". A mix of things good, bad, and mediocre. But still a mess: goal-wise, schedule-wise, fitness-wise, philosophically, artisitcally, interpersonally. I allowed the floodgates of my mind to open, and now there is too much input. And it's barely organised... at all. Even just gathering my thoughts to write this, is difficult. And so amid all the things I learned this summer about life, my goal, people -- I now see that for any of it to be truly effective [including the cohesion of all this information], organisation must take the wheel. Basically -- I have to start writing again.

What can I say. I'm not ready for some of the changes that are about to take place EXTREMELY soon in my life, due to some last minute situation changes that are throwing me off. I was initially very excited, and now I feel under the bar. Perhaps my tiredness is throwing me off as well. Eitherway, I must find that same source of strength, immediately.

I'll have to devote several entries to summer description, because there's too much to write! There are so many interesting conversations I've had with people, especially more recently. And the bigger picture is sending very interesting messages. It's telling me to understand people more. To try to see where they're coming from, and dig into lands that are rough and soiled. The more time passes, the more I see that this makes sense to me, as a way of pursuing my goal. It is worthy as a life-long effort, and not just because it's bloody hard. But if it's one of the ways that will help people, and make them want to change: then I'll do it, and continuously refine my views and approach.

People have stories, and sitting back and listening to their entire story before judging, and at times suspending judgment altogether, has been an interesting exercise as well. But there just have to be more processing. I feel like I have become a sponge: I retain lessons and words that people express, but do not direct them to separate locations. It all just makes me a bit more sympathetic, understanding, and wiser: but in too general a sense.

At this point, what's most important is to slow down, and allow this next stage to happen. Allow for a normal life [ish. totally normal is impossible ;p] to follow, along with the normal goals I'd set for this period, without tossing too much to the backburner.

And so organised life is placed in the lead.
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It's Just Me and the Water [20 Aug 2009|11:46pm]
It's just me and the water
Coming fast, getting louder
Beckoning me inside
Nowhere for me to hide

Though it still hasn't hit me
All is peaceful within me,
Chaotic yet serene
Air and water's the scene

Now the air is the water
Back to life, not much longer
As it ruptures my senses
Tearing through my defenses

It gets dark, cold, and steeper,
As my body sinks deeper
And my struggle to climb
Has almost reached it's time

[It's just me and the water segment]

What is life, but the water
Coming fast, getting louder
Trying to keep us inside
But can you say that you've tried?

hmm... rereading this... this needs some editing.
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Turn It On [18 Aug 2009|12:58am]
So, tonight I jammed with 4 other people on some hard rock covers. And it was REALLY fun. I missed jamming to heavier music. Tonight reminded me of why I want to do rock. The release of energy that came from all the yelling, and the loud music... actually turned me on :/. :). And to make things better, I really liked the people I was jamming with.

So I know both guitarists separately, though I didn't know the bassist and the drummer. And it's a weird mix of people, since we're all very different, as far as personalities go, but the blend seems really great so far. Awesome :).

Can't wait to do it again next week.

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Right for who? [04 Aug 2009|01:16am]
So, tonight I went out for dinner with a good friend of mine, and we then went to visit her friends' new apartment. One of her motives in going to visit her old friend was to set me up with one of his friends. According to her, he was very different, not like most people you'd meet, open minded, and out going. Sounds good.

So, I often times don't like most guys I meet. I'll probably like certain aspects of them, but with 99% of them -- I can see the end before the beginning. I like to analyze people, and be very honest to myself. And honestly, this guy could not have been worse for me lol. Although, he's not the one I really want to talk about very much, I will say that aside from the lack of physical attraction, his inability to stick to one topic for more than 5 seconds was really...bad. He had an extremely short attention span, and a very wavering personality, almost as though anything and everything goes, but not to his knowledge, as strange as that sounds.

In any case, the one who I want to talk more about was their friend. So, there were many things I didn't like about him: his philosophy, straight up. He's very religious, and as he explained he finds that he needs religion as an answer to questions, and something that gives him purpose. I also didn't like his: 'we gotta turn our friend into a real man'. So I don't like it when people tag characteristics to a sex or race, instead of just saying what they mean: in this case -- confidence. That's actually quite a 'turn off'. 'Real man' doesn't necessarily imply confident, and nor does 'real woman', and nor should it. Nor should anyone's goal be to fit into any cube delineating a certain image. So in that sense, it would be much more worth one's while to aim for being the real 'them' [and that should be dictated strictly by them], rather than a real man, since one's sexuality, in any event, is only a small part of who each person really is. What I find of much more importance, is that which the person can craft -- such as their beliefs/personality/goals/confidence. HUGE DIVERGENCE, BUT ANYWAYS.

So, what I did like was that he was actually able to explain his views in a mildly intelligent manner, which not everyone can do. He had a calm confidence which may have come from age [relax, he's not that old = 31], from his situation which I was to learn about afterwards, from within, or perhaps from a mixture of a bunch of things. In any case, he seemed very grounded, and very open in certain ways since he was able to understand the views I presented him with, which were very different from his own, and concede that his views work well for him and that not everyone needs to believe in what he believes in. We had some very good chemistry. I think aside from a certain detail, we would not work out too well, though. I don't want to have to change who I'm with, and break their leashes, open their minds, and change their views.

So, another very important deterrence is the fact that he just so happened to be married and have kids. He did not mention any of this AT ALL when we were talking, and his whole attitude/persona seemed to imply that he was still searching. When my friend told me this in the car, she'd also mentioned that he hadn't told her, and she'd only found out by her friend who'd informed her of it. So, I don't think that I have to say that that puts him in the realm of UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS, INFINITE, ACTUALLY. Though it's a bit upsetting. It's strange. I don't often meet men who I really like talking to a lot, and who's characters I really appreciate, and who I can look at, nod my head at, and think 'you're all there, and you're thinking', even if I don't necessarily agree with the conclusion. Meh. Moving on. Moved on.

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Oh my.... [09 Jul 2009|10:19pm]
I often found that Kayla, technically was incredible.. but didn't connect as much emotionally to the pieces she danced. Based on this performance, I view her differently: she is an artist, as is he [though she's a better dancer]. I still find that she could melt into him a bit more, like he does to her. She tends not to have chemistry with her partners... I think she's such a strong solo dancer, I'm not sure why, but maybe she's not used to sharing the spotlight or to the idea of dancing with a male partner... I don;t know. I found Chelsie from last season much better with getting the chemistry with whoever she danced with, but anyways. Their chemistry was better tonight, though maybe something left to work on for her, cause there's not much more!

Aside from them, this piece in general is just so good in so many ways. Mia looked like she was almost in tears after their performance; I don't blame her -- she should be so proud of this creation. She created such an intense setting, down to the Kinds of faces they made, which she played a large part in directing, to the rawness in the mov't. She expressed the theme really well, which isn't always easy in dance. It's just really incredible. Wow Mia. Again. Wow. I can't get over this dance. K, lol.

Anyhew, watch the video!

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A Story Behind these Eyes [07 Jul 2009|01:17am]
I am staring at you
I am wondering why
You see me the way
That you do

Is it based on these views
You've accepted so easily
That tells you I'm different than you

It tells you to lead,
If she shows emotions, retreat
- Always be on top and act strong.
Treat her differently
Open the door for the weak
- Just pretend to appreciate her song...

Do you hear me?
Are these words reaching you?
I see-
You laugh, you react
You retreat, you come back
But all the while,
You still don't understand.

Behind these eyes,
There's another story.
A story other than yours of
Another one's life.
And there are thoughts
- Yes there are thoughts, boy
Not just emotions and tears
And/or weakness and fear

It really depends
On how you want to connect
How open minded do you think you really are?
Would you allow me to lead,
Show me your heart -- not retreat
Behind these views that you were told to possess?

Could you believe that I'm strong
That I could carry us along
To a place unlike you've ever known
Where we're all free to be
Whoever we choose to be
And then, darling, you'll start to see
Then you will start to see me
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There are no special effects here: [03 Jul 2009|11:42pm]
She actually moves like this. She is incredible. It's like watching water... her transitions are wow. Love her, she's so refreshing. I think that this season's dancers are all technically very good... but not too many of them are exciting. By exciting I mean, they're just what they have to be, but not more. There isn't that extra sparkle of performance quality among most, that extra uniqueness in movement... I don't find them as interesting to watch in general as some of the earlier dancers, and by far not as much as season 4, where the dancers just had SO much more personality... hmm... we'll see I guess.

Anyhew, here's the clip!

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Things that MUST get done THIS WEEK. [21 Jun 2009|06:29am]
1- Buy a keyboard
2- Pick up guitar tuner
3- Once keyboard is obtained: practice scales
4- Once tuner is obtained: start practicing guitar
5- Do vocal warmups EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
6- Write male/female sex issues lyrics. PLENTY of inspiration already accrued. [lol]
7- Jam with Matt
8- [Hopefully] Headline at The Pound THIS Thursday
9- Open mic tuesday night at Grumpys'
10- Any song suggestions, that you guys would like to hear/think is nice?
11- Read on sap
m: jam with matt, vocal warmups
t: pick up keyboard and tuner/dance class/vocal warmups/open mic
w: vocal warmups/vocal class/jam with matt
th: vocal warmups/jam with matt/headline at the pound
f: vocal warmups/practice guitar&keyboards/read sap
s: read sap/go outside a bit [yes, even vampires need light at times]/practice guit.&keyboards
Heh, and this is mainly my music related list [work/personal/social life stuff not included]... what social life? I watch as these words slowly fade into thin air.

Hmm... what am I missing...oh right. Forms of punishment for not completing the above list:

1- It will prolly be enough of a shame to look at this list on sunday and write 'not completed' next to any item.
2- OMG I THOUGHT OF IT. Sitting in front of an old engineering notebook for 30 minutes. Yes that should do it.

And finally... enjoy the musicing process of creativity, inspiration, and turmoil. :D

Have a nice and fruitful week, everyone!

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When Dreams Become True [21 Jun 2009|05:59am]
I wonder how much longer
This has got to wait
I wonder how much stronger
I can keep my finger on delay

And every time I say what I do
I wonder when the dream becomes true

Because I keep waiting for something to happen
And I keep thinking that what I'm doing is right
Bringing me a step closer, give me a peak
Of what's been in the back of my mind

An image of me singing to you
About everything, a new point of view
And hoping you'll listen, hoping you'll want to
Reach for the best, just do it for you

Cuz every time I say what I do
I wonder when the dream becomes true

This music and message
In my world collide
But they won't make their way to you
Oh, you'll never know the things I could do
If I keep pressing delay,
And don't start hitting do

Yeah, every time I say what I do
I wonder when the dream becomes true

Just stop and breathe in,
And ask yourself when
Else other now
Have you the chance to
Make this image of me, this image of you
More than an image
Part of a truth
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Stop Checking Yourself [02 Jun 2009|11:32pm]
You're uncertain,
And you're unsure
When you step into a room
You feel so insecure

You feel their eyes on you
You feel yourself
And with every step you take
You start to sweat

Is this the way you want to be?
Or do you want to feel at ease?

You're forgetting to --

Stop checking yourself
You're still there, I promise
You won't change from one minute to the next
But when you check yourself
Being critical, you will miss
What's going on outside yourself

So you're in the center of that room
What are you thinking of?
The way that you walk, talk, think, and breathe
Everything changes,
Everything feels so strained

You can't help but think
What they're thinking about you
Let them get inside your head and
Be the judge of you, instead of you

Is caring about how they tell you to be
Worth it, but don't you want to be free?

You're forgetting to --


There's a whole world moving on outside you
People, their lives, their beauty, their souls,
And you're missing out on all that's around you
You're eyes are only focused inwards,
You've forgotten how to perceive,
Forgotten how to just breathe

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So much like her... [08 May 2009|08:54pm]
But different. It's hard to explain. They both are so set in their classical training/opera-is-the-best ways. They both are so grounded, and opinionated. They both have a somewhat similar and aggressive approach to discussions regarding vocal technique, which I like. I don't like the somewhat close-mindedness of it all; but there's something about the manner in which they defend it that I like.

I think this teacher is more in tune with her students; less self-absorbed than Katrina. But there was something I liked so much about Katrina, as well. I can't say that I've ever met two young women quite like these two. And I'm trying to understand the source of what it is that makes them the way they are, that sets them at a certain state that I like so much.

Is it because they feel fulfilled? After hours upon hours of training to do something you love, and being good at it, and knowing that you're good at it?
Is it spending crazy hours of being in touch with your body?
Is it the constant production that takes place from their bodies, that makes them feel more accomplished? Makes them feel as though they're more in a position to judge?

I obviously find some aspects of her stuborness ridiculous, and they happen to be the same aspects that Katrina was stubborn about, as well. But I, generally, love that she is stubborn. I love how she disregards some of what I say, and pushes onwards. I love how she continuously tries to prove her point. I love that there is friction between us, even in the first meeting I'd ever had with her.

But you know, what I do like the most is that I finally know enough to know what I want. And that I somewhat [there's no telling with these opera teachers :p] convinced her to approach my training differently [which took a lot of resistance from my part, b/c she kept trying to 'opera' me]; in a way that would suite the kind of sound I'm going for.

Meanwhile, those 20 minutes of singing taught me more than 2 hours spent with my current teacher.

Conclusion: :)
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A Game of Cards [07 May 2009|01:25am]
So naive,
Still so naive
After all this time
After all I've seen

After what they've done
After what he said,
After how she lied,
Still so naive.

Still so much to learn
And to think that I must learn how
To protect myself from others
To read into their manipulation
To hide, to realize that not everything
Can be exposed

Bare I want to stand
Read into all you want
Try me all you want
And pry at me and poke
- Still so naive

The first sign of intelligence
Is the first sign that I trust
And you made me believe in you
You made me want to talk to you
Feeling as though,
I was just unafraid to hide

But you do stop at nothing
To test my boundaries
You do stop at nothing
To pry inside of me

And I'm still so naive,
So I appreciated your thoroughness
Since I'm still so naive
I did not see through the lies

And still so sensitive
How this hurts even to write
When I thought that I knew better
Here I am, dissapointed at you,
So dissapointed at myself

Thank you for the lesson,
Thank you my friend
Thank you for the warning
It won't happen again

I know about your kind now
I'm ever on my guard
I will not mistake
Your persuasiveness
For something other than
A game of cards
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