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Watching Myself Watch Myself
20 most recent entries

Date:2004-08-17 14:10
Subject:
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"A man's mind, stretched by a new idea, can never go back to its original dimension."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Date:2004-08-17 14:04
Subject:the long road to paradise
Security:Public

*tear*
*onslaught of gushing emotional flummery*
*sniffle*
*eyes to the sky*
*subtle smile*
*sigh*
*one last tear*


I miss her already.

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Date:2004-08-13 12:40
Subject:
Security:Public

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw

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Date:2004-08-12 17:03
Subject:
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"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things"
-Henry Miller

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Date:2004-08-12 16:56
Subject:
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"Act as if it were impossible to fail"
-Dorothea Brande

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Date:2004-08-11 22:27
Subject:
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"Let no one be deluded that a knowledge of the path can substitute for putting one foot in front of the other"
-M. C. Richards

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Date:2004-08-11 14:31
Subject:Anias Nin
Security:Public

"We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls."
-Anais Nin

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Date:2004-08-10 18:23
Subject:
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"One psychological equivilent of air is to feel understood."
-Stephen Covey
"Another is to understand"
-Anonymous

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Date:2004-08-10 18:19
Subject:
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"When we align our choices with what matters most we significantly increase our productivity and sense of inner peace"
-Anonymous

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Date:2004-08-10 18:18
Subject:Johnann Goethe
Security:Public

"Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least."
-Johnann Goethe

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Date:2004-08-10 18:18
Subject:Yogi Berra
Security:Public

"You've got to be careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there." :P
-Yogi Berra

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Date:2004-08-10 18:13
Subject:Mahatma Gandhi
Security:Public

"One man cannot do right in one department of life whilst he is occupied doing wrong in any other department. Life is one indivisible whole."
-Mahatma Gandhi

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Date:2004-08-06 18:32
Subject:Pure intention?
Security:Public
Mood:aware

It starts. Here, sitting with my back to myself, awaiting an answer to my questions. Patience, I hear form the recesses of my mind. I feel the energy making it's way up from the earth into the soles of my feet up through my legs and into my lumbar slowly surging through my chest and somehow making its way into the my crown only to find its way back into the universe again. I begin to realise the futility of thinking about the physical aspects of this work and stop typing for a moment to re-asses myself. . .

In this place, a place all to familiar to me, time is nothing more than a syllable rolling off of my toungue. Age is no linger relevent. The body ' I ' am inhabiting is merely a training ground for something still obscure and vieled. Why do i see this way. Why can i see this in everybody. I see this shell that encompasses the beauty in all and it pervades my every thought. Things like where, when , what, and who are insignificant now. Only why. My mind is exploding with nothingness. the energy that flows is too powerful to maintain. Is this used to meet the needs of the universe? Can this be channeled for the greatest good? Will the answers come? Let me know the point of such sight! I see the pure heart; everyones pure heart permeates this consciousness. It takes me away. It is like a dream we are all part of but unaware of. Shake me! Bring me from this in to the collective whole. Make me feel. . . one. Locate my dislocation. I feel aerated.

The soft caress of the primal breeze whisks my conscoiusness away. . .
It has found me. Its taking me away to that place. . .
No more words. .

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Date:2004-08-02 12:48
Subject:
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Mood: dirty

Last night upon trying on a few. . .ehem . . . hats I found. . .
~Dun Dun Dun~
Magnum. . .
*wink*

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Date:2004-07-31 21:17
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:dizzy

*singing*
In open fields of wild flowers, she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the
daisies and the roses in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heaven
As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms
and the tears will fall down and she'll pray

I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
I want to fall in love with you
*singing*

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Date:2004-07-31 20:42
Subject:
Security:Public

Love Pervades . . .
us

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Date:2004-07-30 10:34
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:Exstatic

*From an earlier post i made as a comment to a friend. I thought I might share my ramblings with all of you*

Is it not strange that some of the most profound realisations humankind has been blessed with is said to be totally esoteric and reserved for thise who are willing to forego regular everyday existence in the world? I don;t think that this is at all healthy. We need to have, as a collective whole, a basic understanding from whiche we can all grow exponentially with one another without the need to segregate ourselves from the daily trivialitites of existing. If enlightenment is really true enlightenment it seems that there would be an uncondition clause somewhere. Someone truely inclined would be able to exist in any environment because they are truely aware. Nothing from the outside, especially something as transient as a social condition or mass attitude, would be able to adhere itslef to an idea of waning conciousness. Contrairiwise neither could anything on the inside. thoughts feelings and emotions would all coincide with the new paradigm.

Does this make any sense to you? Summary: Enlightenemet is unconditional unbiased and exists in any dynamic.

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Date:2004-07-29 13:26
Subject:Band-aid anyone?
Security:Public

The pieces of myself, shatterd among the almost unreachable facets of my psyche, are always in the midst of recognition and repair. *sigh* But, just when I think I have healed something from my past an onslaught of a new wrangling seems to make itself apparent. I would rather not have to, but I can accept this as my reality and work with the consequences. I always have a reason for the things that i do and that reason is always directed toward what i percieve as the best possible outcome for the greater good at any point in time. As I grow with myself the world and the Universe I am in a constant state of questioning. I never really know what is true or not. All I can do is work with what i have to work with and hope, with all of my soul, that what i act upon is conducive to a healthy realtionship with the corresponding medium, be it myself, a friend, a partner, or the universe.

As i sit and reflect upon times past I realize how much I keep myself in captivity. Actually it seems that it is my thoughts, my mind, that captivates me. Because I have done things in the past that have greatly impacted not only my life but that of others as well, my state of duress only grows with time. And because i feel like my persecution would be on the horrizon upon forclosure of my sins I have not been able to let them go. They continue to bleed as i grow grow with time and it affects everything that i do. I need a band-aid.
*sigh*
I need to find a way to consoldate my self-debt and start paying it off in a way that I can afford. Right now my debt to myself is draining me so much that I have no energy for the finer things in life like friendships, relationships and the like. Now that i am in a relationship and becauser i am a person of high principals, I am having to face all of my inner turmoil all at once. This is not my concious choice, assuredly. If i had a choice i would have all of the questions to my answers and would be able to shed this tightening skin. So I can give of myself fully in all areas of my life, i need closure, or in the very least, the doorknob in my hand. I need some tools.

Does anyone share these same things? Can anyone offer some advice? To continue on my journey with a line of support would be a godsend.

With a sigh and a brief whiff of hope,

Eddie

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Date:2004-07-27 17:58
Subject:What is under all of this?
Security:Public

Today marked the beginning of a new way to look at he way i percieve interpersonal relations. I work at a cafe downtown Vancouver and I was sitting around during my coffee break taking in the morning newspaper when a man, a regular customer, sat down beside me. On his way in to the cafe he made a remark, in the regualr i'm just bullshiting around, have some fun with me kind of manner. This is the same fashion that he always conducts himself. I thought nothing of it and continued reading the newspaper. A moment later he came out with the intent on shooting the shit for a while and getting back to work. I was fine with this.

Myself, I have always been fairly reseved and quiet when it comes to bullshitting, humor and the like. Contrairywise, I have always been able to laugh at everyone elses humor and in fact love to take part in such superfous flummery. Its great for the soul, and theres nothing like a good balst of endoerphines to make the day go a liitle more smoothly. *sigh* *self pity* I have always wanted to be able just, out of the blue, snap a witty gut splitting remark relevent to the situation at hand but have fallen short for, simply, a lack of tools in my toolbelt. I am in the process of building up my toolbox but i just don't know if Home Depot has the tools i'm looking for. My dad was always really dry humor as well so it kinda wore off on me a little, ok a lot. *even more self pity*

So, reminiscent of a bad bad bad superslapstick nothing to laugh about almost morbid style of humor, when he sat down four words poured from my lips like a smouldering blast of hot molasses, the kind that leaves a lingering burn after a hurried ingestion. As I was looking through the paper I saw a picture of a pretty girl and began reading the article forgine me for being such a shmuck. He began to look at me in the same way he looked at me when he walked into the place, ya know, with that I wanna bullshit but its your turn to break the ice, kinda countenance. SO, *totally embarrassed* I said the first thing that came to my head. I asked him, suggesting the picture of the girl, "is this your daughter?"....WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!!! I mean honestly, who askes that kinda question? Even a pervert or a crackhead has more sense than that. As you can probably ascertain he didn't take it so lightly. First, he allowed for that gut wrenching oh my gawd where is my foot when i need it silence. Then he asked me, seeing in my face that i had nothing, if I had any children. I said no. He then persisted "Well, when you have kids and a great big black guy comes and fucks your son in the ass, you'll know what its like!" That was like getting a punch in the face! Where is a comedian when you need one. Jerry? Chris? Mr. Williams? anyone for crying out loud. I have nothing to say to this. I just sat there with nothing. What could i follow with. I'm such a douche. DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE.

What would you have done? I'm hanging on a wire here. Throw a guy a lifeline will ya.
*embarrassed*

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Date:2004-07-26 13:59
Subject:Hope . . .
Security:Public

The last few weeks have been very good for me. Although there have been some setbacks and things to steer me away from my chosen path, there has been so much that life is showing me that i cannot pass off as coincidental. As you get to know me more and more you will begin to see a common thread amoung all of my postings. A sese of abundance will always pervade. This may be, to some, overly optimistic, but I have tested this somple concept in so many cases and it has always proven to be a reality.
*tingles in my chest*
This is an exciting concept. It brings a tear to my eye to know that the world is there to help our generation and that of posterity in any and all ways possible. To many, this is a statement that resounds a very strong sense of doubt within them. I cannot lie. I have the same negative inclinations as well. Although this is the case, there is still, for reasons i will elaborate on in the future, an underlying sense that i am taken care of.
*sigh*
The challenge that comes aling with such a realization is somehting that not all people want to recognize and articulate on, though. When we recognize that there is a responsibility along with the priviledge of abundance most of us turn our heads aside and relax into our old habits and patterns without even allowing a test run. *tear* This is saddening.
*epiphany* It is overcomable though! All we have to, and this can be one of our most challenging affairs, is take the initiative upon ourselves to accept responsibility for everything, right down to an emotional level, we experince and promise to do the next best thing at any given point in time. that is all. Very simple; extremely challenging. Good luck to everyone who is aready on this path and feeling of sympathy toward those beginning to struggle through the first stages of this.
*subtle hope*
I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to realize such things. Equally fortunate i am to have the opportunity to practice the things that i have realized.
♥ Eddie

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