(no subject)


hataraki hataraki hataraki, ashita no tame ni

we are neva gonna talk are we?  once a week, maybe that, who knows maybe i should hataraku for the 将来 maybe then we'll see what comes of it all, and GOD お酒は必要ねぇぇぇ! 飲んだら嬉しくなるから、何でも忘れるように。。。バカ


(no subject)

i just read a bunch of entries out of my old old ooollld live journal which is surprisingly still around.  it was like reading a stranger's writing.  kind of sickening how sappy and emo i got sometimes, but kind of cool that i was so open with how i felt.  just wrote it all out.  it's not something i would do now.  really bizarre.  i think it's time i start getting serious about recovery.  i've been blowing it off and i'm in a worse state than ever now.  my resolve always comes at night and fades with morning.  but if i don't start working at this for real everything is only going to get more out of control.  i'm exhausted, off to bed. 

(no subject)

a friend recently found out that the girl he thought was going to be the love of his life had a boyfriend the entire time he had known her.  i can only assume it came as an unpleasant shock.  to hear him talk about this girl, was like listening to the great musicians and poets of our age talk about love.  or art. 

there are so many things that still stick out in my mind.  now mind you, this guy was crazy like a brick to the head sometimes, but sometimes the way he spoke just killed you with it's sappy warm fuzziness.  he had only met her a few times, but they corresponded for over a year.  he said he felt so compelled to write to her, to talk to her.  he had to force himself to cut back, trying to only write a few times a week so she didn't get sick of him.  but he couldn't help it and within a few weeks was writing everyday again.  she made him want to try harder in his studies, she inspired him to write music.  he said if she wasn't the one for him then he didn't know what truth was.  it makes me sad to think such a feeling has gone to waste. 

he said, if you don't feel compelled to talk with and be with that person every day, it's not going to work long distance.  and that makes me really sad.   i am so confused and down recently.  even though it was my birthday this week, the person i really want there is MIA.   minimal calls, an email or two.  and i know i need to be understanding because of the situation.  but i need to put down somewhere that it's not the greatest feeling. 


whatever, a person's gotta say what they feel, y'know?  otherwise you just explode. 

(no subject)

明日から、気をつけてね? こんな事、難しいけど、できる。本当にできる。 どうしてそんな事をまだ考えているか、分からない。



君が待ってて 待てないの
帰る時には 窓に出る顔
待っている顔 あるかどうか
分からないから 今度大切


they never get better
the harder they try to
the worse off they get
i wish i weren't one of them
but some sick voice keeps saying
don't stop this yet
not yet
not yet

i'm fairly certain i just made my little sister cry. what is this all doing to me? i hate this. i hate this. i fucking don't want this anymore.

it's hot

i can't sleep. i didn't sleep. there's nowhere to hide from this oppressive heat and as bizarre as it seems i think that this could be the key to my undoing if i were left here. if i am left here. if it continues. there's hell in my room. there's ac in the library or several halls, but surprisingly not to a great degree. and after attempting to sleep in a chair i've found i can't manage it. all i can do is sit and wait until my body is so exhausted it falls down involuntarily. it shifts your perspective on things. to have no sleep. everything becomes strangely clear and unclear at the same time. you stop noticing what things really are and simply see geometric shapes. it's not a roll of tape. it's just a hollow cylinder. of some sort. i'm going crazy. i can't do this. and the few things that take your mind off it.....well, they're that. few. and not readily available.