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(no subject) [Jan. 23rd, 2015|10:57 pm]
[music |RAM - Under the Scythe]

Through many moons could I spend debating with myself the myriad of other scenarios I could be in after secondary education. The one I'm in now (after adjusting regional job prospects upon graduation and willingness to put in effort to leave the state [hint: low at the time, but not now]), and the direction it's taken has, for dearth of better descriptors, proved better than expected. I'm getting rewarded for, well, *being myself* in a startup environment. My verve for and, well, general noisiness into all parts of the business have paid off. My feelings on it? To reference a quote from our former CTO, "We're in a pie eating contest where the prize is more pie."

Can I now go and say out to the masses all one needs is hard work and dedication and success will follow? No. Yet for me, it appears to have. But I realize I drunkenly stumbled onto the Hold'em table where I got dealt one of the best hands of the night. One could say I won the first few pots upon arrival. But I now realize I have no one behind me as a safety net (family or otherwise). It's largely up to me now how I want to leave the table.
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(no subject) [Aug. 30th, 2013|11:10 pm]
It's a little like the doorman handing you your "degree"; you're free to pursue whatever with your "title" in hand.

But I just graduated. I'm now exactly where I was for the past four years. Was I supposed to move across the country? Was that job offer really real? It's...somewhere, and they're actually real, and it's all I have. I probably should take it. But it's also new. It is. I'm there, I'll do it.

And so begins that rut of adult life. Before you know it the outside world face-fucked you three years into the future and you're not entirely sure how you got there nor are you familiar with the world around you. It's a haze, but you shake it off in a couple days only to repeat it.

Math equations. That's all they all are. Do you not know math?
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(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2013|09:52 pm]
[music |Def Leppard - Mirror, Mirror (Look Into My Eyes)]

I've been alone a lot more as of late. Hopefully I will get to contribute something more sizable very soon here. I have much to say.
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2012|10:15 pm]
[music |Virgin Steele - Children of the Storm]

The glory of the night commences.

How technologies warp and change. Right now I'm contributing to a relic; I do because I see no other fitting medium but at the same time I care not to explore another medium. It's been my mainstay for...fuck, over six years. It's shivering to say that. To see a web interface grow and evolve with me. Well, maybe not the interface I type to...but you know.

Who the hell still pays their server costs?
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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2011|02:08 am]
[music |Da Nuthouse - Tagz, Throw Ups & Pieces (feat. El Da Sensei & Sak One) ]

It just doesn't get better.
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(no subject) [Oct. 2nd, 2011|10:14 pm]
[music |Znowhite - Never Felt Like This]

Like I know what's going on; my occupation ticking ever closer to where I'm free of the obligations of this fucking corporation. I'm sick of them feeding on my lesser needs. I wish I was notified of this before; doesn't matter though because the thugs pay too good; can't give up that protection payment.
And then I'm presented with someone else.

Can i handle it?

Not a question I can answer right now. I thought I knew what I wanted now...

but time becomes so restricted...how much time can I allot to these things? Will I/will I not settle?

Fuck presets; scattered my mind, my friends, my everything.
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(no subject) [Jun. 26th, 2011|10:01 pm]
[music |HDM - Da Professional]

Youth is pristine. It's the greatest and most wholesome time we are allotted as beings on this insignificant planet. We need to take it and seize it and fuck it hard to get our worth of it because in time, if we are lucky, we will be frail and decrepit on cozy beds in some drab room watching life draining around us even though it is us that are being drained of life and soon we will shut our eyelids and relax for eternity in nothingness.

Do it now and enjoy it. Because you won't have those days later on.
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2011|12:26 am]
[music |Proclamation - Crucifixion Vomit]

I was having a cigarette on the patio when over in the next yard, behind our property, I saw an orange figure disappear into the house. Orange most likely from the glow of the streetlight just beyond the house but I didn't flinch or think twice of it. For a few moments in the crisp air with the rumbling of the highway in the background, I felt being in an age yet to be spoken of. An age of ruin, greed, tightly packed and numb to human interaction.
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her [Mar. 27th, 2011|01:16 am]
[music |Peste Noire - Soleils Couchants - De Verlaine]

Gianna. There it is. Only the 4th person I've ever wanted a relationship with and the 3rd I'll never have.

It's somewhat like a circus. At least I feel like it is. Ties are broken off and then I'm thrown...no wait, I throw myself into a glass cage. In this cage I'm gawked at, I'm belittled from. My existence becomes a sick pretense for those that are sucked into being used. She constantly throws scraps down at me and I have no choice but to vomit from my empty stomach. And so begins the wretched cycle of deriding once again. Like I know what the outside world thinks of it; unfortunately I do. I know every thought that races through the fuck's minds that passes me a glance. And I do nothing but rage in my glass cage. Rage.

And it's nothing but rage that consumes me for a time being. I then numb myself and tell myself with a cooing reassurance that such a debacle won't occur again.

I'm docile. And then it does occur.

Then it really is a glass cage. It's friends, family, job, interest, possessions, thoughts, ideas...they're all beyond your glass cage. I will continue to forcefully remove the teeth from my mouth but nothing will turn back the same. It's a reality that I brought upon myself but I will never accept.
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(no subject) [Mar. 15th, 2011|01:16 am]
[music |The Killers - Jenny Was a Friend of Mine]

People are fucking weird. People looking in public now has rapist connotations with your glance. Maybe I do want to rape you, girl in the stretchy pants with the fucking ugly scarf (not that that is supposed to be anyone in particular...just an abstraction)! That, and if you make a scene in public, people will find the nearest exit faster than yelling "FIRE!" in a movie theater. It is just a hilarious spectacle. The best though, is cracking Terry Schiavo jokes in public and hearing the flabbergasted reactions. OH MAN.
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