August 9th, 2009

Super Powers.

There's a boy I like, and last night I slept at his house, but not in his bed. In his bed was another girl, call her a tornado, call her a lover, a fling, something that was already there, call her whatever. I wasn't hurt by the truth, but more understanding of honesty and accepting of the way things just are sometimes. My night ended sideways on a crooked bed and a half-conscious feeling of his hand gracing the length of my side and the sound of a jar of water being placed on the bedside table. I fell asleep aside a near-stray with a broken leg who took shelter in the curve of my stomach when I finally decided to lay down properly and fall asleep in all of my clothes, cellphone and knife still pocketed. My best friend had just dumped me, drunk and slurring. My sister's ex-boyfriend was walking an hour drive and thinking of the unrequited love he had for me. The boy I liked was next door with another girl. I knew of the pain festering in my stomach, heart, lungs, fingernails, everywhere with feeling, but all I could feel was exhaustion, and before too long it put me to sleep.

I woke up at 6AM to the sound of an animal at my window; a black cat meowing through the screen next to the bed I was occupying. Being a second floor room, the cat had somehow ended up on the side roof of the house and was calling for me to let him in. I opened the screen and gave entry to what immediately became the furthest thing from an ordinary black cat. Marked with one tiny white spot on its chest, the animal gave way to a wave of affection, never losing sight of me for more than two seconds, attending to my every need for love. Pushing nose to my chin, whirring around the curves of my hand and arm, plopping down beside me just to push itself closer to me, get up, twirl around twice, lick my face, and lie down again underneath my resting limbs. It rubbed against me and loved me with every atom of its skinny body until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. He kissed my face one last time and curled up in the contours of my body to fall asleep with me, until the hour came when I could no longer stand my unconscious hauntings.

The cat was no animal. I awoke and he was there again for me just as before, attention never-ending and affection non-stop. I sat up in the bed for a half hour or so, watching him love me and wondering who he really was; if there was someone in my past who I had played the question game with and who had answered untruthfully to my curiosity of what super power they would have. I've heard such answers as flight, breathing underwater, super strength, all the standard powers we normal humans wish we could possess. But this was different. Someone knew I needed him. Someone still loved me and had taken shape in the most beautiful black cat and was here to remind me that people and things in the world still loved me, regardless of the retreating, the negligence, the rejection I had endured. Lifting me from solitude and melancholy, the cat became my own; a lover of mine in disguise making sure I never forgot about my power to love and be loved. I went through a list in my head of all the possible men it could be and could come up with no one, figuring that the Heavens must have made me a hybrid of every trait I ever wanted to love in others and possess in myself. Here they were, configured in the form of this black cat that had so randomly chosen this window that for one night in my life I slept beneath. It was no accident, and it was no animal.

I left the room and took the cat with me downstairs, not knowing if it belonged in the house or not, not knowing if it was mine or someone else's, but knowing that I had to say Thank You instead of Goodbye. Giving me the courage to address the new day and not dread it by fault of the previous night's happenings and lack of happenings, I left the house, walking my bike, with a clear destination. Legs like anvils, fighting a headache, scared half to death, I rode to the Radio Bean, and asked for a coffee. Medium, to go. And when I felt like the emptiness I felt there would cause me to cave in on myself, I said only a couple of things wrong before gritting my teeth, climbing on my bike, and leaving. I rode to my office one-handed and crying, sat down at my desk, and wrote about the universe's reminder to me that none of that shit mattered anyway. Upset on repeat, I mustered the strength to admit the proof presented to me, playing recent advice over and over in my head. Someone- something- showed a blue girl in the belly of loneliness that she was still loved to no foreseeable end. Now that's a super power.

(no subject)

Baltimore, MD.

I'm going to be posting some of my favorite Bonnaroo+ pictures. These are just some that I am very drawn to and would like to have stick out of the clusterfuck that is 1000+ photos of joining the circus for two weeks.