July 12th, 2009

July 4th.

Eddie got stuck in a tree because Sarah's bear-killing dog came over and being that Eddie is afraid of his own dingleberries, obviously the best place to hide was 35 feet up in an unclimbable tree.

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Shawn Plante Walks the Line.

At a lovely establishment we Burlington assholes like to frequent, there's a game that few chosen men can play, should they assume their manhood strong enough to stomach it. At this special hub, if one feels brave, they can do something known only as Walking the Line. You see, this bar holds the trophy for a whopping twenty beers on tap; more than any other bar in Burlington. To successfully Walk the Line, one must start at either end and drink one pint of each beer, in order, all the way down the tap. Now, you might think "Well, gee, that sounds easy enough. I've had plenty of nights where I've had twenty beers!" But slow down, cowboy; it ain't that easy. Sure, we've all had nights where we've probably consumed twenty or more beers. But to drink twenty different beers, now that's a totally different feat. With twenty different tastes, consistencies, and percentages, one will realize shortly into their walking of this infamous line that successful completion of such a challenge is not so easily had, as even the bravest, strongest, and drunkest of men I know in this small little world of a city have not made it all the way to the last drop of number twenty. To add to the game's difficulty, one only gets three strikes before being disqualified from the game and kicked out of the bar. Strikes can be acquired with general asshole bar behavior like puking, fighting, falling, etc. As it stands now, Graham Tiplady holds the record at 18.5, before falling asleep soundly on top of the bar. Strike 3.

But earlier this week, a good friend and a worthy competitor in the drinking department Shawn Plante decided he would have a go at the impossible. Starting at 5:32 PM on Thursday night, Shawn took the first sip of his first beer on the line, and I was there to experience the entire escapade with him, documenting each step down the stairwell to Hell, and cheering him on as his official "Beerleader" while drinking PBR by his side, maintaining sobriety practically just by comparison. For each beer, I took a picture of Shawn, from one to, well, unfortunately only sixteen. The game claims another life in its utter brutality and apparent impossibility.

Beer drinkers of the world, if you think you are man enough, I dare you to step into this oasis of beer and attempt the unbeatable yourself; the following is what you have to look forward to.

1. Longtrail Double IPA - 9%

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16. Allegash Ale, the killer - 5%, moments before Strike 3.

Game over.