December 5th, 2006

(no subject)

Last night I realized how much the thought of losing you scared me; how insanely jealous I felt when I thought of you with another girl and I shuttered at the fact that I nearly made an offer of exclusivity just for the sole purpose of making sure you were mine. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I thought when I realized how retarded I was thinking, but I simply could not shake the painful cloud thundering in my head as I pictured the day all this ends. I have never been honest with you in this never-ending game of impressing you because you still give me butterflies and always will, which will keep me coming back to you like a little puppy that just wants love. I cannot tell you that I love you to your face, so I whisper it to myself when you leave the room. My identity gets lost when I’m around you, and the adventure of disguising myself is undeniably appealing and magnetic to me; the absolute fun of creating a being I know you will like and turning myself into her at the mere flick of a switch is fascinating! And I smile when I’m around you – a smile you say you just can’t grasp the mystery behind, but is really nothing more than a smile of contentment that I cannot seem to shake. It seems you provide me with the perfect blend of emotional masochism, and your torturous intimidation molds perfectly with your avid and fiery affection. That chemical combination mixed to such perfection has a distinct way of caressing my skin so elegantly with every punishing blow it pounds into my stomach. That juice is what muses are made from, and it’s the same juice that poisons them. It is my curse’s kryptonite, and amidst the storm clouds that pour this poisonous acid from the roof of my brain, I cannot shake this adorably happy tune from my thoughts or this content smile from my face no matter how much I hate love. Because I love you.