October 14th, 2006

(no subject)

What do you do when love is forced upon you? I've found in the last couple of weeks that it can work both ways; you can react a certain way to how it feels when someone's love for you is not requited, and then you can retreat to something that makes you feel better and forget that it's all a problem. But if retreat is a place where you cannot say the word love, then how much of a retreat is it? I've realized that all the while I'm avoiding a concept I fear having forced upon me, I've been plagued with a wonder of my own twisted sense of feeling, and how long it will be before it comes along and fucks everything up again.

I am not one to say I have a love life right now, and perhaps never again. I told you, love is not an occupant of any part of my life, and if it ever comes knocking on my door, there's no better feeling in the world than slamming the door in its face. But right now I find myself at a point where I am literally being stretched to both sides of the spectrum, by two individuals who seem to force the same word from my lips despite their completely polar idealogies and beliefs on what it all means. While one is sulking in a corner, the other is pacing. While one is too caught up in me, the other is too caught up in himself. While one makes me want to shy away from love, the other makes me curious. Sometimes I'm left with a bizarre desire to tell someone I love them, not because I do, but just see what reaction they'll give when they have no choice but to accept. Even if they're more afraid of it than I am.

Obligation is nothing more than the mediocre friend that comes over when you're busy doing things and makes everything incredibly awkward. In one situation I am forcefully obligated, and in another I'm willingly, but is anything I do actually going to solve anything at all? The funny thing here is that it's not.