October 9th, 2006

(no subject)

One Worry about One Bunny.

There is only one lingering issue in my life; just one. It's not love or affection, it's not school or grades, and it's not any kind of lack of friends and people in my life that I can go to with anything, be it wasting time or addressing thoughts. The only lingering worry in my life is December, and what by coming at that time will make the biggest thing in my life go, even if not very far away. In December, it's not the worry of returning to Burlington and zipping up jackets to the very tippy-top and seeing my breath become the same color of the snow banks that surround. In December, it's not the worry of seeing those I haven't seen in months and feeling like I haven't missed them as much as I was supposed to or burdening them with a frequent boast about where I live now and how awesome my life is. In December, it's not the worry of what will have changed by that time from what it is today; who will still kiss me at night, who will still meet me for drinks, or who will still tell me I'm going places with my manuipulative digitial art of the ever-growing market. In December, the lease is up, and the most important person in my life will retreat to a place only she will occupy.

I've tried to tell Bunny how much I dread not living in the same apartment as her, and not having her around me all the time to gaurantee our connection as the world's perfect wingmen. In a sense, I haven't been able to help but feel like her decision to get a studio is a mistake, and something she thinks will solve problems that it will not, and only make other problems, bigger problems, arise and make her regret it because she's known for impulsive decisions. I understand her want and need for a place of her own, but I guess I just can't understand why the world's greatest social butterfly would want a place where no more than three people can fit without feeling uncomfortable; a place where parties are out of the question, two cats and a messy person will only lead to a floor that's barely there underneath inevitable squalor, and loneliness will multiply by numbers even I can't fathom. I can only hope that her decision is a good one and she'll get everything out of it that she's hoping. I can only hope that by being alone she'll still maintain her reputation as the Common Denominator of the world and she won't lock herself away and become a hermit that steals the sun of each day from all of us that love to see her smiling. I can only hope that being away from me won't reduce our level of connection to something that is equal to or less than that of those we link arms on our way to see.

I understand her reasoning, and I can't debate it with her because I want only happiness for my best friend. But I can't help but fear for myself that I will suffer all the terrors of studio living without the only person I could ever get along with even after days and days joined at the hip. I can't help but worry that no matter how close she is to me, I'll feel alone and empty without her at the other end of the hallway, saying the silly things she says that have no relevance to anything in life, poking herself with pins day in and day out, screaming and throwing kittens in the air only to catch them right before they hit the floor. I can't deny that I'm scared to be away from her, because she's the only person I ever felt so comfortable being around all the time, and I worry constantly that while she may be perfectly alright by herself, I'll be cramming myself in my empty corner and driving myself insane wondering when someone, anyone, will walk in my door and keep me company before they walk into her's. I can't deny that in our remarkable friendship, I am still only her sidekick, and she's the queen bee; the entity that is the ultimate people magnet living behind a steel door that could probably attract knocks on it from a mile away it's so god damn powerful. Even though I may only be up the hall, down the stairs, or around the corner in the same building, the biggest lingering worry in my life is that when December comes, all this easy comfort and happiness will get cut off when walls will separate my existence from my best friend's; something that's never happened since the day I met her and she changed my life.