September 19th, 2006

(no subject)

My thought process has been interesting lately, especially in terms of the moments I wander back to Burlington. Only a tiny, practically microscopic part of me regrets to say that I have officially moved on from that place, and I'm in a new home now, one that finally comforts me in every aspect. I'll always love the ones that are there, but they are far more in my past now than they ever were. Every time I think about it, I realize that those are the people I've seen a million times before, and these are the people I can't wait to see a million times again. Every time I think about it, I realize that there is nothing left for me there but nostalgia and a drinking problem, whereas there are opportunities and new experiences for me here. I will always love Burlington, and sometime in the distant future I may find myself there again, but it's not for me right now, because San Francisco is not only what I need right now, but what I want. Exactly what I want.

I wander back to thoughts of the 802 and sure, I wonder how they are and what they're doing, but I know it's not worth many moments' thought simply because I'd put $100 down on the fact that they're just drinking or skating and not bothering to think in my direction much either. I think about Ben Danger sometimes but it always ends in somewhat of a slump of bizarre feelings because I know he, more than anyone, is a part of my past that I'll never revisit and never experience the way I did for that short period of time. I know he's off doing his thing and building the Ben Danger name into something that someday won't mean a thing and he'll take on the name Banks again, like a good Jew should instead of running amok and breaking hearts in every direction. I know the girl that's in his head and I'd never understood until now that the space wasn't worth competing for or wanting to such an extent. I think about the few seconds that the boy spent loving me, and how fleeting they were in comparison to the times I rode along the Embarcadero and everything felt timeless and perfect, just as dreamlike as that freezing night when I Defined the Red Dress, but there for good and as clear as day.

There are some of them that I miss, but a surprising number that I thought I would miss more, and don't. It hasn't been until recently that I've realized my place in the world and that very few parts of it are still and will remain in Burlington. The majority of myself and the parts I'm yet to find are here, where I am, and where I'm finally happy being. It's such an amazing feeling to unturn the millionth stone with a feeling of home hiding underneath it for you to grab and keep for yourself. It's so amazing to know that home is now a place so far from where you always thought it would be. And although those boys were a part of my life, massive and monumental, always there to have a good time with, I am moving on so profoundly that it's eerily blissful. I spent too much of my time worrying about whether or not they were thinking about me as much as I was thinking about them, and the bigger part of me crushed me when I wanted to continue denying my knowledge that they weren't. I was sucked into a train of thought that spiraled around only them for months and months, blocking me from growing up because I felt like I still had things to experience in that place and with those people. I've finally realized that it's not about them anymore, and we are not about each other as we once were. Crews will go on, but at some point, growth will cease. All the comforts of my new home in my new place make me wonder when our "see you later's" will become "Goodbyes." I'm getting closer, and I think they are, too.