April 3rd, 2006

(no subject)

Tony Baloney:
Changing the way the world sees Baloney.

On the corner of 7th and Howard, there resides a man who will show you a world of taste you have never experienced in all your years of being an eater. Tony Baloney and his crew of hip bitches are so down with food that you'll find yourself biting into what you thought were only your deepest and most desirable dreams of the possible ways you could please your taste buds. His talents are spectacular, his craftsmanship is impeccable, his baloney is fierce. Tony Baloney is a man of wonder, confined to a small cafe on a corner in downtown San Francisco where only the locals and the regulars know exactly what power this man possesses. It hides in the mind underneath the beanie and in the hands that caress your food to a creation that may as well be classified as art.

It amazes me every time. How does Tony do it? How does he take spaghetti, something that tastes the same universally, the good, the bad, the INFAMOUS nature and every characteristic of your plain ol' spaghetti, and turn it into the most outrageous, most delicious, most sweetly, stunningly seized version of spaghetti you have ever tasted? How does he take your average Joe turkey deli sandwich on a roll of sourdough bread with all your average toppings and comdiments and turn it into a whirlwind of ingredients, tangs of fruits, tastes of toppings, filled with fluff that puffs back even after you squish it with your fingers, and sends your teeth through an adventure of layers, complete with their necessarily fresh tastes and textures, at the sheer joy of every bite? How does he take chicken caesar salad, your forever unchanged lettuce, chicken, croutons, and parmesan cheese mixed up on a glass plate plagued with knife scratches and the worry that there won't be enough dressing, and turn it into the most orgasmic fusion of tastes, most pleasurable blend of textures and crunches and squishes all being pulled from your fork with one swipe of the teeth and swish of the tongue? How does he take your starving college student order for a bagel with cream cheese and turn it into a plethora of ingredients you never would have dreamed could sanctify the surface of a bagel, proving its mind-boggling concept with the explosion of flavor and experimentation that takes place in the small quarters of your mouth, especially when all you bargained for was a bagel with cream cheese? How does he even tackle the delicate world of coffee with a concoction that tickles the caffeine-craving body and mind like no other flavor or brew by slapping a funny name on it and sprinkling some of his enchantment inside your cardboard coffee cup? And how, tell me HOW, does he do it all for under ten bucks?

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Sure, to the naked eye it looks like just another sandwich and salad joint on the corner just outside the ghetto of 7th Street. But let me assure you, readers and eaters, Tony Baloney's got the supernatural moving those fingers for him; he's a magician with a menu instead of a set list. I assure you, lovers of the edible, followers of the foodstuffs, and seekers of the sandwich and the salad that may just change your life, Tony Baloney is waiting for you with a smile on his face on the corner of 7th and Howard. Go pay him a visit and give the way you think about food a little taste of Baloney.