September 3rd, 2005

(no subject)

It was an impulsive decision, and the fact that I'm still not sure if it's what I really wanted might make it extremely difficult, but I've quit smoking. Before last night's festivities, we all purchased our last packs and decided that come morning we'd break all the remaining cigarettes in our packs in half and quit together; a household of chain smokers hanging up their ultimate bad habit all at the same time. I had to weigh out the good and the bad to finally decide if it was even something I wanted to consider, and unfortunately for me I was not one that could consider the amount of damage done to my lungs more important on the "bad" list than how much I just loved smoking on the "good" list. I guess that's just the mindset of a typical smoker. It was the talk of saving about forty dollars a week and using that money to buy sweet dinners at any fancy restaurant my little heart desired that finally swayed me. That and the fact that continuing to smoke the way that I smoke would most definitely guide me to death by thirty.

I've been told that if it's not something you really want, then it's impossible. But frankly I've woken up many morning and wanted to rip my lips off when I realize just how many cigarettes I smoked in a drunken stupor the night before. Not only that, but I've been practically chain smoking cloves for four years now. Some knew me as Iron Lung for this exact reason. I never coughed up blood or anything that usually serves as a perfect reason for most to quit with the cloves and go back to regulars. In some ways I wish I would've, because it would've made wanting to quit a lot easier.

And I'll tell you. It's been seven hours. I'm cranky. I'm irritable. I'm fidgety. I'm anxious. I'm hungry. I've torn through all the empty boxes of cigarettes strewn all over our messy house in hopes of an untouched cigarette which if I even found I'd have no idea what to do with. I smell a cigarette being smoked from the other end of a block and I raise my two fingers to my lips and inhale absolutely nothing but air. I'll tell you. It's been seven hours since I quit smoking. And all I want to do to celebrate that seven hours and relieve all the symptoms of withdrawal I've gotten is smoke a god damn cigarette.