June 17th, 2005

(no subject)

Hide and Sex.

My problem with sex is that it's harder to avoid than it is to get. Sometimes all I want is to just enjoy someone else's presence and not be bothered by the strings of sex, but it seems that at this day and age, avoiding sex is practically impossible. It seems that every time there is any sort of attraction between two people that have experienced their fair share and are no longer afraid of it, the possibility and likelihood of sex is completely implied. The thought of sex is always there, no matter how deep or shallow the conversation, no matter how light or dark the beer, no matter how exciting or dull the introduction. I feel like people might as well have timers riding above their heads that are counting down to the very moment you will find yourself somewhere in your life, fucking them.

People are always carping about how hard it is to get laid; how they are in dry spots or pissed that they can't find some easy action every night. Maybe it's because I'm female, but I have a harder time dodging it than I do finding it. I find myself in the same situation a lot; where I have to plan my steps accordingly so that I won't put a guy in a situation where he feels it's officially OK to fuck. I'm not sure what leads a guy to that place in his head where sex is a reasonable action, but I think it takes me much longer to get to that point than most people. I've had sex, but I haven't had sex that I've actually wanted to have in a very long time.

The thoughts I've kept bottled up on my feelings about sex for so long could be hurtful to those I've fucked. The fact that I'm putting my dissatisfaction out there on the table for them to stare at: I don't like sex. I don't like it because it's a falsehood that convinces us of things in the heat of passion that we believe only because it feels right to. It comes to me every night during that cigarette, when I realize that everything leading up to sex is just too good to be true; you can only spend the night with someone so many times before it gets sexual. You can only have so many conversations with someone before something slips and the tension makes its entrance. You can only chase for so long before you catch, make out for so long before he cops a feel, like for so long before you love, and run from sex for so long before it finds you, tackles you, persuades you, pleases you, and fucks you.