March 14th, 2005

(no subject)

Lower than Limbo.

Something I really don't understand is the low-cut jean.

Hear me out on this one. For three years, I've bought my jeans at the Gap. This is because I only buy one pair of pants and wear them every single day. I keep too much shit in my pockets to worry about changing them every day, and Gap jeans not only had all their necessary pockets, but they were like steel, and could last me for years at a time. So in the past three years, I've really only had three pairs of jeans. I wear them out until the holes in the crotch are too massive, at which point I retire them.

The jeans I wear now are the eptiome of perfect. The fit, the folds, the flare -- perfect. The only downfall is that there's a hole in the crotch that stretches from the bottom of the zipper, around the back of my thigh, and ends at the butt pocket (in other words, it's huge). I can't wear these pants anymore without wearing long underwear underneath them, otherwise it'll be a full-throttle crotch shot, and any unsuspecting character could just reach right up there and have himself a grand ol' time.

So I searched today for some new jeans. Unfortunately, all I found was a destroyed market. I sadly realized that it is officially impossible to find jeans that aren't in some way fucked up intentionally. My primary example? Low riders.

Apparently, it is trendy nowadays to expose your entire butt crack every time you bend over, because that is what these jeans are made specially to do. I simply don't understand this. As if it wasn't hard enough to find jeans that A) had butt pockets, B) didn't have pre-faded whiskers on the front, and C) didn't have fringe or pre-made holes in random, unreasonable places, but now it was impossible to find jeans that actually fit. Every jean in every store is officially a "low-rise" jean.

But you see, this is where I am tricked. By "low-rise," they don't really mean "Wear these jeans on your hips and expose your glorious stomach and perfect waistline to the world." They mean "Wooo! Butt cracks for everyone!" I don't understand this, because you've gotta imagine that there are some people in the world that don't want to show off their ass cracks. So where do those people go when they want to buy jeans? Well, until recently, the Gap. But alas, they have since conformed to this growing trend of stupidity.

How on Earth did showing off your ass every time you bent over become trendy? I guess I could somewhat (without appreciation) understand pre-faded and pre-ripped jeans, for those girls out there that weren't rough and tough enough to naturally wear out their jeans. But if you really want to show off you ass crack so badly, why can't you just buy jeans that are six sizes too big for you and spare the rest of us that like to keep that shit wrapped up and hidden? I hate all you hig-hugger, trendy-buying, pre-faded, faux-pocketed, unworn, and perfect-butted bitches. I hate you all.

(no subject)

To all that read my last post:

I promise each and every one of you that when I make some fuckin' killer clothing line, you can retreat to my quarters to find a pair of jeans that won't make you wonder why your vag is eating jean and your ass is still hanging out. My jeans will come with ass insurance coverage. Or... ass coverage insurance.

I also promise to retaliate against capris pants and the return of the poncho.