The past few weeks have been really difficult for me, for reasons I'd rather not go into. Suffice it to say that I'm dealing with something that I buried over two years ago. Stuffed it so deep down inside me that I nearly forgot it was there. But it's out now, I've faced it, and the reprecussions from that have been very painful and exhausting. I'm only now just completely getting back on my feet. I'm behind in my classes, behind on all of your lives, behind on everything.
Because of this mess, though, I have a new friend. Bailey. He's someone who understands all too well what I'm going through and he's helping me in ways I didn't think possible. So for those of you who may know what's going on with me? I'm getting the help I need, so please don't worry.
Next up? Surviving mid-terms. *headdesk*
I thought that finally facing what Jason did to me would free me, would help me let it go and put it behind me. Instead I'm reliving it every night.
I'm exhausted now. I've missed the last four days of classes. I haven't seen or talked to anyone, haven't even been online. I don't know what to do, who to ask. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even get up enough energy to change out of the pajamas I've been wearing since Saturday. I feel tired and disgusting and all I can see or think about or hear is Jason.
There's a rape victims support group on campus that meets on Wednesdays. If I can't sleep again tonight, I'm going. Maybe someone there will have the answers.
I still can't believe I thought I was being stalked by Jason. At the very least it shook some things loose. If not for Chloe... I don't think I could have admitted that I was raped.
God. That word. It's so ugly. It doesn't even seem to fit with what happened. Jason was my boyfriend. I loved him. He loved me. But he did rape me. He might not have been in his right mind, he might not have *meant* to do it. Be he did. It happened.
He forced me onto the bed, he stripped my clothes away, forced himself between my legs...
For the longest time I convinced myself it wasn't rape, because I let him. I didn't fight, I didn't say no. I didn't want to get hurt. He was so strong. Stronger than normal. I knew something was wrong, so I just... let him.
Sunday I made an utter fool of myself. No, seriously, I did.
I thought a guy who looked like my ex-boyfriend, followed me home from the store. Well, he *did*, but it was because I left my ATM card in the machine. Long story short, I completely freaked out, scared the crap out of one of my close friends (who thought I was being hurt) and it was all because a nice, although slightly creepy, (he really *does* look like my ex), guy decided to do a good deed.
One good thing came out of the whole experience, though. It shook something loose inside me. Something to do with Jason. It's nothing that I really want to go into here but believe me when I say it was a good thing and no matter how hard it was, I'm glad it happened.
Over the last few days I've been thinking a lot about Jason. I don't really know why. I haven't been dating anyone, nothing has happened that might inspire these types of thoughts. Maybe it's just because I've recently started rebuilding my friendships with Chloe, Clark and Lois. I haven't seen Pete yet. And Lex... well, I'm not sure there's anything left to rebuild. Of course, I've only talked to him online twice, so I guess we'll see.
As for Jason, I've been talking to Lois, Chloe and Clark about it. Though, only Chloe has gotten the closest to the truth. No one knows it all. Just me and Jason. He's been gone for so long now, I really hope that all this thinking and talking about him isn't an indication of things to come. I honestly don't know how I would deal with seeing him again.
This last year has been ripe with changes and new experiences and this is just one of them. An online journal. Last semester, my friend D kept talking about all her LJ friends and wonderful and supportive and fun they were. One day I thought, why not get one myself? So, here I am.
I'm a Graphics Arts major at Metropolis Community College. I have a few close friends I'm just getting to know again after a self-imposed hibernation to figure out a few things about myself. I'm not currently dating anyone (although there is someone I would like to date). I like a vast variety of books, music and movies/televsion. *shrugs and smiles* Anything else, I'm sure you'll find it on my user page or in future entries.
Schedule for this semester:
GD115 Digital Typography II
GD121 Graphic Design II
GD145 Digital Imaging
WR122 English Composition: Critical Thinking
I'm seriously hoping that this semester's English Comp professor won't assign "What I Did Over Winter Break" like my last professor did. With summer. I mean, didn't that go out in middle school? *shakes head*