October 11th, 2012

a silver mt zion

talk about amnesia

Talk about amnesia, I remember that -

  • I had once quipped that I wanted to be a writer "when I retired from aerospace".

  • I submitted something pretty bad to the Young Author's Program one time (though I know I participated a few times and consistently got second place).

  • I wrote some angsty poetry.

But I forgot that -

  • I had taken creative writing in 4-H - repeatedly.

  • I had taken creative writing classes... for three years.

Since I had so many interests and never considered "being a writer" a live option, these moments got edited out of my self image. School made me into an essay machine, for sure, but part of this was a growing fear, the anxiety surrounding the finished product was always so great, I would freeze and dread many assignments.

BUT, I do love when the words fall together and make something beautiful, and somehow I forgot this pleasure, this orientation to language. My censor guilted me into thinking there was something pretentiously avoidant about wanting to "be a writer". So. I killed it. No writer, just writing. It's the cheapest hobby I can get away with (scribbling on cheap paper or banging on a keyboard for a couple of hours a day). My censor certainly couldn't begrudge me the equivalent to scribbling on scrap paper. And so I duck the censor for another day.
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive