The challenge, the hurt, the enjoyment, and everything else that goes along with life. It hit's you hard. I can't be sure of what to do for college, I want to take in everyone elses opinions, and then try to find my own will. It is not simple. I was doing so great, my uncle was proud. How have I upset everyone, Why did I find the little dark wholes and sgrung myself through them. My own opinion I am doing good still, but I have made a disappointment out of myself. I can feel the sadness. I haven't felt this in a long time, and it is here, overpowering. I want to be alone again, I feel embarressed, and I dont want to show my face. For a minute I though staying in FL, would better my future, I thought it could be cheaper, but I was wrong. I can't get caught up in a circle of confussion, and I am heading that way. I feel low, and I need to gain spirit and wisdom. My excitement for college is still burning. I want more education, I want to achieve the higher standings. Where though? I ask myself these questions. But it is this time, every few months I loose apart of me, and I feel drowned. It is bothering me. Rick says I am not home anymore. I get bored, maybe that is not normal. I dont know. Usually when I say I dont know, I follow with the saying "And I dont care", but this time I really do.
I am working, and I was saving, then I screwed that up. I bought things, for people I care about, alexys, father's day, a little shopping, and my nails/toes...... wow there I go fucking up things I am trying to achieve. I have 400 in my pocket, I need to add that to my bank and not touch jack shit. I need money, I need to do something and get serious about it.
It kills me to look in my father, and now my uncles eyes, and see I have made a serious mistake, I am now a dissapointment. GOD! I am on the verge of breaking. I try so hard, I seriously do. But I fuck up, big or small, I fuck up. And it makes me want to give up, but I never have. But I feel weak. I know this will only be my emotion for a small portion of time, but the point is I am alive, and I am experiencing it now.
I guess I am left with one decision. INDIANA.
I have to go now. I really do. Good or bad, Doubt or none, I have to go. I want to be here but I want to experience it up there also. I dont want to hold back from my family. I have learned that the one true unconditional love is :family: even if you feel you hate them, they are the one's who will always be apart of you, forever more.
I feel if I leave, I am saying goodbye.
Maybe goodbye is a good thing. I have to put up a wall, and not crumble.
I dont know what I am even trying to say to myself, or what I am trying to prove. I am here a month now, only a month.
I sail away.......................
I just want to make everyone proud.
But I cant do that, if myself, is not even proud