(no subject)

I used to be loud. I used to be brash, and funny, and I used to love spending time with other vibrant people like me.

Now I'm quiet, and prefer spending time alone or with other rather quiet people, or with loud people who enjoy having somebody listen to them.

I'm shy again. How? Life is odd.

Thoughts on flirting.

It's so fulfilling to flirt and to enter the early stages of a date(ing) largely because both people are putting a show on of the best aspects of themselves. It is easier to find those rare glowing qualities in someone who's trying to convince you to fall in love with or to fuck them, than it is in friendships or acquaintanceships.

Of course it's the most appealing way to interact with someone. It's like watching their clip reel instead of sitting through the whole filmography. (Of just their best qualities, of course.)

In the future, we will all be flirting with each-other, all the time, regardless of attraction. (We won't be having more sex, though. Just making ourselves available to everyone then taking the invitation back if we decide we'd rather not go through with it.)

It's a more efficient way to get to know someone, if all you want is the good part.

Imagine all the awkwardness that would entail.

#twee science fiction
#evolutionary psychology is pseudoscientific bullshit
  • Current Music
    Ford & Lopatin- Emergency Room

Land Mines of Endorphins (Self-Made)

I still like inventing crushes on people I see everyday, and I always have. It makes mundane interactions so much more fun.

Like there was this one crush I had from 7th until 12th grade. It was so great to see him every day and get that lump in the back of my throat. (He was in my homeroom and english and history class.) It was like inserting a random, roaming landmine of endorphins into my world, deliberately. I don't think it's a habit I'll ever get rid of. I'm addicted to attraction. Even unspoken or one-sided, it's the most comfortable and joyful feeling in the world.
  • Current Mood
    bouncy bouncy

New Job and Hermit Status

New job. Real job, real money, real benefits. Life is good.

It seems I waver between wanting to give up and become a loser layabout and being so happy that I dance with my mouse cursor and have an unstoppable urge to sing, to jump, and to fall in love with the ugly world all over again.

Hermit mode is going well, especially since I get along with my dad who I'm living with for a few months, and since my coworkers are really friendly, so I have lunch with them sometimes. So it's kind of transitioning into normalcy, slowly.

Staying positive. Working in the financial district which I am growing to love (watching them rebuild what was the WTC outside our window.)

Weather's hot (which means good.)

I think I need to dance and sing and drink this weekend, though. So I will.
  • Current Music
    The Blow

Hermit Mode

Time to enter it.
I've been too obsessed with having friends and or a boyfriend. I need to become comfortable with me, by myself, relaxing, or being productive, or not going out. Fun is sometimes to be had alone.

This isn't permanent. But maybe for a week or two more, until I get sick of it, I'm spending most of my time by myself, deliberately.
  • Current Mood
    weird weird

Hey guys.

Don't do drugs. Ever. Not even alcohol. In fact I'd recommend steering clear of coffee, too. My happy juice is all gone, despite the fact that my life is going great, and I think it has something to do with these substances.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad

Funeral flight tomorrow

Going to Cleveland for far too long tomorrow because my mom bought the plane tickets. They last from TUESDAY till SATURDAY. Unfairly long. I hate Cleveland and being there depresses me. So add that to the reason I'm there, my grandpa's funeral service on Thursday, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through.

I feel like physical affection is the only thing that could get me through, for some reason I've grown to believe this, which is very unhealthy since I am single right now. I'll get through this, naked cuddles or not. But why do I believe otherwise? That's insane.

So. Time to get sane I guess and prove that fact to myself.

I just am totally miserable. This is awful. Weakness of natural depression starting this Thursday afternoon+ news of grandpa's death + big ugly fight with the psycho Friday + dreading flights (I hate flying now) + dreading Cleveland + actually being in Cleveland + for THAT LONG= God, god, no, no! NO!

I'll get through. God, what other option is there? So close to finishing school. Nervous breakdown's not an option. Somebody kill me. Where did my happy firing neurons go?

-----EDIT
I am GLAD I am proving to myself that I don't need cuddles to get through this. I will have SO MUCH MORE respect for myself after I do. I am an addict of dramatic and sexually charged relationships, this is true. I need to recognize that and move past it. This week is the perfect opportunity. Squawk! goes the phoenix...
  • Current Music
    Queens of the Stone Age

Ugh.

I'm so sick of being healthy. So sick of caring so much about not being caught in codependency. Sick of being so logical and careful. I can't stand how cautious and rational I am.

It's time to get a motorcycle license and date assholes. And did I mention the tattoos and hard drugs?
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed