I used to be loud. I used to be brash, and funny, and I used to love spending time with other vibrant people like me.
Now I'm quiet, and prefer spending time alone or with other rather quiet people, or with loud people who enjoy having somebody listen to them.
I'm shy again. How? Life is odd.
I'll be posting these on here and Tumblr.
-Obsessive pop culture explorations
-skepticism and science
I still like inventing crushes on people I see everyday, and I always have. It makes mundane interactions so much more fun.
Like there was this one crush I had from 7th until 12th grade. It was so great to see him every day and get that lump in the back of my throat. (He was in my homeroom and english and history class.) It was like inserting a random, roaming landmine of endorphins into my world, deliberately. I don't think it's a habit I'll ever get rid of. I'm addicted to attraction. Even unspoken or one-sided, it's the most comfortable and joyful feeling in the world.
New job. Real job, real money, real benefits. Life is good.
It seems I waver between wanting to give up and become a loser layabout and being so happy that I dance with my mouse cursor and have an unstoppable urge to sing, to jump, and to fall in love with the ugly world all over again.
Hermit mode is going well, especially since I get along with my dad who I'm living with for a few months, and since my coworkers are really friendly, so I have lunch with them sometimes. So it's kind of transitioning into normalcy, slowly.
Staying positive. Working in the financial district which I am growing to love (watching them rebuild what was the WTC outside our window.)
Weather's hot (which means good.)
I think I need to dance and sing and drink this weekend, though. So I will.
Time to enter it.
I've been too obsessed with having friends and or a boyfriend. I need to become comfortable with me, by myself, relaxing, or being productive, or not going out. Fun is sometimes to be had alone.
This isn't permanent. But maybe for a week or two more, until I get sick of it, I'm spending most of my time by myself, deliberately.
Don't do drugs. Ever. Not even alcohol. In fact I'd recommend steering clear of coffee, too. My happy juice is all gone, despite the fact that my life is going great, and I think it has something to do with these substances.
Going to Cleveland for far too long tomorrow because my mom bought the plane tickets. They last from TUESDAY till SATURDAY. Unfairly long. I hate Cleveland and being there depresses me. So add that to the reason I'm there, my grandpa's funeral service on Thursday, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through.
I feel like physical affection is the only thing that could get me through, for some reason I've grown to believe this, which is very unhealthy since I am single right now. I'll get through this, naked cuddles or not. But why do I believe otherwise? That's insane.
So. Time to get sane I guess and prove that fact to myself.
I just am totally miserable. This is awful. Weakness of natural depression starting this Thursday afternoon+ news of grandpa's death + big ugly fight with the psycho Friday + dreading flights (I hate flying now) + dreading Cleveland + actually being in Cleveland + for THAT LONG= God, god, no, no! NO!
I'll get through. God, what other option is there? So close to finishing school. Nervous breakdown's not an option. Somebody kill me. Where did my happy firing neurons go?
I am GLAD I am proving to myself that I don't need cuddles to get through this. I will have SO MUCH MORE respect for myself after I do. I am an addict of dramatic and sexually charged relationships, this is true. I need to recognize that and move past it. This week is the perfect opportunity. Squawk! goes the phoenix...
I'm so sick of being healthy. So sick of caring so much about not being caught in codependency. Sick of being so logical and careful. I can't stand how cautious and rational I am.
It's time to get a motorcycle license and date assholes. And did I mention the tattoos and hard drugs?