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(no subject)

i feel very full of love at this time. like a bucket full of rose-colored paint that needs to be splashed on the world.

i also wish i could send a letter back in time to my 2003 self:

I don't want to get over you. I guess I could take
a sleeping pill and sleep at will and not have to
go through what I go through. I guess I should take
Prozac, right, and just smile all night at somebody new,
Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind who would
try to get you off my mind. I could leave this agony behind
which is just what I'd do if I wanted to, but I don't
want to get over you cause I don't want to get over love.
I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
and not have to dream of what I dream of; I could listen
to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough,
or I could make a career of being blue--I could dress
in black and read Camus, smoke clove cigarettes and drink
vermouth like I was 17 that would be a scream but I
don't want to get over you.


just to poke some fun at her and maybe make her feel better.

hallelujah, etc.
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(no subject)

Oh, I suppose it's time to do this...

Friends Only. Mostly by habit, not out of paranoia or a case of inflated ego. Don't be shy, though (esp. you Swatties!) about asking, because I'll add you back. I just like to wield what little control I have over who sees what when we play this little Internet game.
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(no subject)

i need song reccomendations, because i just bumped up my credit on itunes. i am looking for the following kinds of songs:

1) thoughtful, thrumming accoustic guitar pieces (damien jurado, alexi murdoch, damien rice, ryan adams [circa love is hell] and ben harper come to mind first) that would be good to listen to if driving quietly down an ocean road at sunset, or through the woods on a grey day. yeah, basically anything resembling "please do not let me go" or "orange sky" would be a great reccomendation. i need a new "new slang" to, you know, change my life.

2) addictive songs that you can listen to several times over for a while, at high volume. the kind you secretly dance to in your room. what are you guys dancing to?

"thrumming" is a great word. subtle onomatopoeia rocks my socks.
  • Current Music
    ryan adams--please do not let me go
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(no subject)

i forgot to mention that the claremont review sent my story back. i don't know if i should be impressed with myself or disturbed by a lack of emotional enagement, but i smiled and made plans to send it in somewhere else, or maybe just to the contest that they're holding later in the year (as they suggested). the middle was a little slow, they said. but it was a wonderful beginning. i think so, too.

am i better preparing myself or just avoiding the paper if i'm still reading? part of the problem is that i've only read two books and my old textbook. one of which is composed of several articles. i feel like that should count for something. but i need five sources, at least. ah, at worst i'll make sure that some of the stuff i already know is in another book, and just cite it from there. the paper doesn't have to be a thing.

we went to the planetarium again. there were a lot of kids, with little hoods and jackets on. and the planetarium guide was funny, but we didn't go into space very much. i learned a lot about the constellations. castor and pollux have a good story. we also saw saturn, moving.

[insert tidy and poetic ending] it's sunny and a little smoggy. the high is 73, but i think i'll wear my swarthmore sweatshirt anyway.
  • Current Music
    the streets
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(no subject)

1.  i didn't get a B- on the exam.  i got an A.  what?
2.  i haven't started writing that paper.  whatever.
3.  dad bought me flowers and cough drops.
4.  illness is still with me.
5.  i'm tired.  i need to work more efficiently.
6.  that's hard to reconcile with living it up.
7.  i'm going to swarthmore.

i guess i just got tired of not knowing.  yes yes, i still have two weeks until that decision needs to be made but where else am i going to go?  i keep talking as if i'm going there, and i cried at the thought of not getting in and i cried when i did get in.  having options and turning down places like berkeley and columbia and chicago...that's scary, because they're such great places.  but i can't not go to swarthmore.  honestly.  so now i get to buy myself a shirt and start figuring out how much it costs to take trains to DC and NY from philly.  katy and i will sign the next four years of our lives away tomorrow!

in other news, i can't believe i got an A.  i burned waaay too many calories freaking out over that exam.

  • Current Music
    coldplay-moses.
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(no subject)

I really need to just get my paper out of the way. It's ruining my life, because my life is so easy and enjoyable right now that I've blown this silly paper way out of proportion. It really seems like it's going to just fall into place, but I am wary of this. I worry that I have grown too confident by believing that things are manageable. I get anxious when I realize that I'm not anxious.

I just reread that sentence and am now wondering how on earth I have any friends at all.

I don't like calculus. That is the other fly in the ointment. All my other classes are supercool. Today Mr. Ferry tried to make the guys in our Short Story class start the discussion, "get the ball rolling," but they passed "the ball" to me. I like that class too much for the wrong reasons. Independent study is going to be 1) an easy A and 2) really really fun, engaging, influential. After I'm done with school (basically, after my ID exam) I am writing some little somesuch advocating some beat literature in the 10th grade curriculum, because all that stuff gets glossed over and oversimplified too much in English and Social Studies classes. It will be a nice project. I like projects.

Feelings feelings feeeeeeelings. I'm done.
  • Current Music
    dire straits--romeo and juliet
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(no subject)

wow, so. here i think i'm being cheeky and cute by responding to one of billy's serious philosophical posts with something a little sexual, but joking. i was too tired for philosophy, but i never get too groggy for s/m jokes.

so i note him

did you see the part where it wasn't just his journal? it was a community that he posts in that i happen to have on my friends page? yeah, i missed that. good stuff. i thought that "folks" was going to be, like, david and tony.

so i'm not going to columbia, i guess.