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Entries by tag: emotional

I am very content and happy with my life. I don't mind the fact that I am alone. I enjoy being able to do what I want and to make decisions based just on MY needs. As much as I would like to have a special someone in my life- I also see the pain and problems that a lot of you have that are caused by these people that we let inside our hearts. Is this selfish? Sure
Am I okay with that? Yes

Apr. 16th, 2003

I am tired and I am sick and I am scared. I feel very on edge- I think I could go off at any moment. I feel lonely and I feel strong and I feel weak willed and spine-les. I wish I could do something- but is not doing a form of doing? I wait........
I feel sad and I feel angry and I feel shame. I feel worthless and less than human or all too human- unable to overcome my base nature. I want control. I want to not make any decisions. I want you to do all the work. I want to help. I need to sleep. I sleep too much. I should be responsible, I want to have fun. I worry. I could care less. I hear voices saying my name when it's noisy. I can't hear my heartbeat when it's silent. I want to cry, the tears won't come........

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I hate crying in public- which is what I ended up doing last night. I just felt so sad and alone- even there at a place where I knew so many people. Luckily- I got out before the snotty-nosed sobbing started. Just a few elegant tears rolling down my face.....

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Mar. 13th, 2003

Ok- So I've been out of sorts lately. I realized that I didn't want to write here any more because I was censoring myself and concerned about the people reading stuff. I am over it- if you don't like reading my posts- don't. I won't be offended. This started as a place for me and I'm taing it back. So there- ppppfffffttttt!!!

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One day turns into the next, time has no real meaning- the lines blur, the edges are soft. Sleep, dreaming, waking in an endless cycle. I feel trapped. I am scared. I am lonely. I need more- I can't ask for it- I can't just take it....

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Sometimes you just have to accept that there is a time and place for everything. I must be alone now for some good reason. Maybe this is a time of introspection and growth. I need to come to terms with that and stop trying to be social and stop putting myself in situations that I am uncomfortable with. Now is not the time.

Jan. 11th, 2003

I feel so empty. Not the clean-free sort. Just hollow- I echo. I understand why people do stupid things that hurt theselves- at least they feel something...........

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Sorry

Thanks to everyone who replied to my emotional vomit that I spewed forth yesterday. I just sometimes get in a mood- I am sure lack of sleep and low blood-sugar were contributing to it.
I really don't have it bad. I have plenty of very nice acquaintances and friends that I do plenty with. I actually wouldn't want to be a social butterfly- I don't have the patience for a lot of people and do require a lot of alone time. I am a private person- yet I wish I had someone who knew me well.
I think yesterday's entry was my way of externalising the vauge sense of dissatisfaction I feel in my life right now.

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I am trying to decide if I want to put up a Christmas tree. I have some really cool ornaments and would like to get them out. BUT- I am worried that it will make me feel very sad and lonely. I may just get some evergreen garland and run it around some doorways and shelves. I can hang my favorite ornaments from there. I think I may put up a strand or two of lights. I don't go over the top or anything like that. But it would be nice to have a bit of holiday cheer.....

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