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merh [15 Feb 2008|12:04am]
some notes from tonight that apply to everyone:

the power of spoken word:
what is meant by spoken word is what you physically say out loud versus what you think. It's great having positive thoughts, but if you're not speaking them out loud it doesn't do as much.
- Edify with your words.
- Use what you say to reinforce positive instead of negativity or doubt
- Your mind has trouble differentiating between a truth and a lie. You spend most of your time fighting these thoughts. You can't erase negative thoughts by just thinking positive thoughts, you have to also say them.
- Are you speaking what you want? A basic example is when someone asks how you're doing. You may say "I had a bad day yesterday and today is just getting worse." Try adding "And that's just the way I want it" onto the end of that sentence. If that doesn't make sense, you're probably not thinking very positively, let alone thinking positively.
- Start speaking to other people what you expect from them. There's a way to talk to even the most difficult people that will influence their actions for the better.
4 pie eaters|give me pie

[04 Jan 2008|02:21am]
I don't want to be writing this at all; when I feel that someone has betrayed me I don't really forgive and forget but I do try to put it out of my mind and not let it completely pollute and control my mood. I honestly, honestly have been really steadily happy lately because I have made a point to be aware of the decisions I make and haven't regretted any lately, even in lieu of recent events. I have not stopped being spontaneous, but I have been focusing on making sure my decisions pay off in the long run moreso than in the fleeting moment. Some decisions work out that they pay off both in the short term and long term, some only work out one way or the other, and some are difficult to make either way and it ends up being a tough choice that sucks all around.

I don't think I have to try to justify or clarify things too much, but my perception of the night was different. Neither of us had any intentions of staying in Towson all night and then going straight home; you had work at 10:30am and I had previous plans in which other people depended on me. What was also weird to me was that everyone we knew left in the same 15 minute span to go home. Nobody else was questioned as to where they went or why they left; nobody had agreed to stay at Candice's. Moreover, none of the people you were surrounded by that night tried to stay with you or even help you at all.

So at 4am when everyone was headed out the door, my plan was to do the same. You were in that plan, but you refused to come with me. I tried to keep you from throwing up on yourself if you had to. I tried to get you to go to the bathroom to see if you had to throw up. I tried to get you to drink some water to help you not try to dry heave. I explained to you that everyone had left, there was nowhere to sleep, and if you didn't come with me you didn't really have an easy way to get home and get to work. Here I was, completely desperate for you come with me but nothing I could really do about it. I had three obvious choices. The first one was to sit in Candice's living room for another five hours with no where to sleep until you woke up. The second was to drive home and go to bed, and then make the drive back to come get you and probably be late to the event I was planning on going to. The third was to go with my original plans, which were to go home and sleep and then be able to make it to the event.

The problem with the first two is that I had to make sacrifices I couldn't justify. It wasn't rooted just in us having driven to Towson together and you getting drunk and not coming home. It was rooted in patterns that were making me uncomfortable to see. I am not a specialist or doctor but it's easy for me to see when someone is using something as a crutch. Addictions and alcoholism are not measured simply by how often a person uses, or even how much, but moreso in how they use. When a person uses alcohol as a means of escapism or when their personality drastically changes or they seem to really want it because they believe it will make them happy, I see those as signs and symptoms of alcoholism. This doesn't mean that person is an alcoholic, but they should probably be aware of the decisions they make and how healthy they are for one's true happiness.

Seeing those signs of alcoholism doesn't annoy or embarass me. It gives me anxiety. I have these weird anxieties that freak me out. Alcoholism, homeless people, white vans, and diesel engines are some of the weird things on this list. They stem from what I've had to deal with at home with my father and though they don't control me, I just generally avoid them and sometimes have to block them out in order to keep my sanity. And this brings up a whole other issue in itself. I live five minutes away from my home because it's convenient and it means I don't have to deal with any addicts or try to be made into a codependent. Throughout the past couple of years in college I've struggled with the idea of choosing myself over my family. In the past I've felt that I could devote my life to trying to help my parents and my family but at the risk of letting my college career and everything else go, and vice versa if I chose to put myself first. But I realized that people need to want to help themselves before you can help them, or else all your effort is in vain. So a part of me also knew that though I had been a good friend on countless occasions, I could not stand to be a codependent. I just really couldn't stand the thought that you could just hurt yourself and I would be there to make everything okay, showing you that despite any bad decisions someone else would be there to clean up the mess. It's okay if people are there to help you a little bit in getting back up, but a pattern of it really scares me.

Unfortunately, you took no responsibility in your actions. I was blamed for your whole situation, including where you parked your car, where your clothes were, and where your keys were. Thrown by the wayside was your decision to drink yourself to oblivion despite your prior knowledge that you had to work the next day. I had made responsible decisions and had been publicly criticized by everyone at work for two days, for doing nothing different than everyone else had done. Sure, I know I am held to different standards than other people but I get tired too and can't take care of everyone all of the time. I try anyway; the same night despite what people may have heard or said I did not try to hook up with Dan when alone with him in Candice's bedroom because I don't like having an advantage over drunk people; I also had to drive around Towson after I left because Christine was completely lost and needed me to find her so she could follow me home.

The fact that I have not been around the past two days is due to the fact that my car broke down completely and I need either a whole new engine or a new car. I have been stuck places, dependent on other people to pick me up and get me where I need to go, but I would never put the blame unfairly on someone else.

If I have been quiet it has been because I was honestly stunned by your attitude and behavior. I was deeply hurt, and then prodded and prodded the past couple of days, just reminding me of how upset I really was. I cannot carry the burden of having to take care of another person, it is a failure I have dealt with every day knowing I can't help relieve my parents' situation and instead have to just watch. My parents never ask for my help but I feel the need anyway. The fact that you had directly put the burden on me was a very hurtful blow. I have been contemplating what true friends really are. I haven't yet been able to come to terms with the idea that a friend would ask another friend to do something they weren't willing to do for themselves. Friends are obviously there to lean on at times, but for the most part you want to be walking strong next to your friends evenly carrying the weight. I honestly want nothing more from other people than for them to be genuinely happy and healthy, no matter how stupid that sounds. I know I will be fine, but the best thing you can give other people is to take complete responsibility for yourself and make an effort to always improve. I don't have anything else to say, and this is probably the last I will talk about it.
1 pie eater|give me pie

fall o7 p03try p0rtf0l1o part deux [21 Dec 2007|11:55pm]
These poems are what I've worked on most recently outside of my series.

Belongings Light as Petals

In the prairies of Kansas,
the early morning is darkened still,
the fields of corn left waiting
for the rough touch of men to return
to their stalks. A light comes on
in Charlie's house, the kitchen
where he pours a cup of coffee,
sits down, sighs into the spindles
of his chair, and starts talking.
His wife transposes herself
against the background, staring
out the window until the horizon
line is one gray blur of trees and stalks.

Last month Charlie's home was hit,
the back porch split open like an onion,
and his grand-daughter's dog gone for good.
The next week she packed up and left.
There's no difference in Charlie's mind
between those who leave
and those who are taken away.
He chalks the tragedies up to God,
wants to be malleable in his hands.
When he sleeps, he sleeps easy,
never fearing the soft tap of hail.

Charlie's talking about the tornadoes
that have ripped through the dry land
this month. None of them have hit
the same path; each scrambles
dizzily like a bee from flower to flower,
but more angry, with a vengeance
the locals can't explain. Still, Charlie stays,
even as his neighbors' houses
are uprooted easy as daisies.


Dark Room

Tonight, when we get inside and you run
to the bathroom, already unzipping your fly,
I feel you might never get back to me. I'm three again,
looking into the dark cave of hallway.
I hear the echo of my mother's voice,
but it's thin, flimsy, and I could be tricked.
Staring into the blackness, I wait
to be scooped back up into her arms,
Grabbing whatever I can--a fistful
of her dress, a clump of hair.

This night, this hallway, following
your wet footprints, I am too large to bury
myself into your arms wen you return.
Not able to wrap my tongue around words
like "fear" and "absence," I stare blankly,
dropping damp layers while you roam.
When you fold into me I lie
still but don't sleep. In the darkness
the room develops slowly: moonlight
specking like spilled salt, water
stains bleeding out across the ceiling
like small and ancient lakes, rippling
as if someone were throwing stones.


Unconditional

And even now I think I should
never be so undressed, alone
with the mirror staring at me
with its large, blank pane of eye.
At this age my wrinkles have earned
the right to love, to go without makeup
in the morning, to get near a mirror
without hearing me wince or sigh
at my jowls and sagging breasts.
I feel my body with my body
and am ashamed, tucking away
my naked skin like a trashy magazine
that shames the coffee table.
If not this skin, these wiry hairs,
if not the stiffness and these aches,
then what else? Even as I hold
my breath in protest, veins, flimsy
as thread, hollow as drinking straws, cradle
the body's blood, saying you're not done.
give me pie

fall 07 poetry portfolio as of 12/21 [21 Dec 2007|10:19pm]
This is what I've put together so far this semester. The first six are part of the series "Quarter Mile" as it stands so far, and then I have a few other unrelated poems that I'll post separately. !CoMmEnT pLz!


The Mechanics of a Man

Infected at a young age by a love
for metal and mechanics, you married the wrench
and spent late nights in the garage.

Each car another fickle lover,
each complaint another challenge in dissection,
you take your tools and life the hood.

The cool metal loosened in your calloused hands,
screw by screw, the engine comes apart
and spreads itself in your image

Across the concrete floor, blushing with sooty
grease under hot flourescents. The parts perfected
for their purpose, each one then begins

To return to its place within the frame.
Your quick hands, smeared with black,
move with surgical precision

Until not a piece is missing.
The hood slams shut, the key is turned,
you coax the engine to a purr

Pumping the gas pedal just so.
Here in the garage, everything is tangible
and nothing is broken forever.


Our Sundays Are Devoted

On Sundays you get up early, holler
at me to get ready. We wear our best:
something worthy of the dirt and dust,
no clean, white dresses or crisp, starched collars

Here. An hour later your truck starts up,
trailer in tow, and we begin the long
drive towards the track, road stretching along
the wrinkled green of endless hills. Close up,

The mountains begin to emerge from a sky
so steel blue no cloud could ever break it.
We finally come to the rocky split
in the mountain range and both know what lies

On the other side. You join your brethren
racers once there, singing asphalt amen's.


[Your fists clenching the throttle,]
You come into sight out of breath,
panting, pushing the bike back to the trailer
where I wait. I watch you lift the helmet
off and peel halfway out of the leather.
Your hair is slicked back and the thick air
in the trailer captures the soured smell of sweat.

You pause long enough to quickly consider
the slight breeze on your wet finger,
the tread of your tires and how they wear,
the weight of your body and bike.
Your heart beats as hard at the furious pistons
restrained by a heavy hold on the clutch.

In the left lane of the drag way your focus is fixed
on the falling of the tree lights slowly down to green.
Like a rubber band snapping, you launch
down the track and begin to shrink,
begin to blend into the black asphalt,
a hot August phantom at the quarter mile.


Spectator

One time your bike reared up and flung you off
onto the ground. Even through the leather
the asphalt scraped your skin down to the muscle.

For weeks your knee pussed and ached
and refused to bend. But the body is resilient.
Years later, I wonder how you didn't die,

Or if it was death you confused for the finish line.
Faster, harder, stronger: you've annihilated every
threshold of existence. Even the thrill of speed

Bored you eventually. These days, your body
is a cockroach, shrunk down to hardness,
boiled down to bone. You smoke and live

And smoke but never die. You hurt yourself and I
am left to watch. My mother swallows pills
To numb the stress. The heart beats out of habit.

Disconnected, I watch the chase as if it were a story
on the evening news. I feel none of the adrenaline
and switch the television off. The screen goes black.


The Hard Waking

A Small resentment furrows up my brow
when the men at the Sunday races
still call me "little miss" and reserve
their tasks for boys with dirt smudged
across their cheeks, grown-out hair
poking their eyes. My silhouette echoes
something they've seen in their mothers,
wives, their own daughters.
I should be somewhere else.

When I don't learn beyond the age of twelve
to ride a dirt bike, or throw a ball,
or even stop crying so much,
you get frustrated.
I've left something to be desired.
I start filling in my shirts
and you buy my brothers more expensive toys.

I stop showing up on Sundays to the track.
You assume I've begun to resent you.

Late October, years past,
my oil light blinks on. Not blood red,
but pink, unsure, like a sleepy eye waking.
I should have learned to change it.
We should have learned to talk.


Rings in the Water

men wish for sons to recreate
themselves, with muscles and morals
both solid and rich, a testament
to how they've lived their own likes,.
but sons are merely shadows,
effortless and cold. daughters are
the true test of what's absorbed,
the clear mirror of a man's heart.

father, if you think of me as strong
then strength radiates from you.
if you feel weak then that is what i am.
there is no choice that doesn't ripple
always outward, no defeat
you feel alone. i feel it all.
our lives tangle, intertwine like vines
and love grows wild as weeds.


[i have seen your body, absent of its mind]
limp as a cod yet immovable as brick,
limbs flopping in the dry night
as your skull clunked against the gutter.

words were spilling out of your mouth lucid
as water's jet, and i on my knees, hands cupped down
to your face, could not catch a single one.

father without form, numbed and nameless,
without love or language, without reason to be
loved, or even the capacity to receive.

your murmurs of resurfacing are an illusion:
a language not in the vernacular, something
unspoken as latin, as dark as the gut it was cultured in.

i find myself thirsty for its origins, find myself
studying your drunk eyes, your dispossessed body
stumbling over itself. i've committed to drinking
you in and making a muse of you.
give me pie

hi there [19 Nov 2007|01:45am]
okay this time i'm not going to go on a long list of what or who i have (not) been doing, and i don't have any drafts to post for you to (not) comment on. i just want to talk about me and how happy i am.

lately my life has been back to back with stuff. okay so that's not any different than usual, but it's some pretty exciting stuff. if you ask me what i've been doing lately i'll give you the generic "work drink eat sleep drink school work drink" answer but it's probably a little far from the truth. i told myself at the beginning of the semester that i would take this semester to study more on my writing rather than my art (as an excuse to drop a graphic design class) but i've followed through fairly well on that. it helped that my friend joe and i set up some goals for ourselves at the beginning of the semester, and for the most part i feel i have tried to push myself beyond those goals and really put myself out there. i can't help but to be honest about how i feel; joe has been more lax and lazy in these goals. but i don't hold it against him. i support him and encourage his growth as a writer, but if he doesn't grow as much, it's not going to hold me back. i also realized that i have been writing since i was in 3rd grade, as stupid as it sounds, and this is more of a life thing for me. i'm going to be doing it for the rest of my life until i die, whether or not that is a curse or a blessing. call me stupid or crazy, i am so over it. hey, i'm jessica, i'm an artist and a poet and i'm going to have a successful and stable life.

please call me out on it if i am being immodest. i think there's a huge difference between being immodest and being honest and i'd rather stay on the modest side. do i think i'm good at what i do? of course. but i'm still very humbled and even get embarrassed at things, like when i read a few poems for open mic at the reading this evening and people told me they liked them. if you're looking for a point in all this i don't have one. if this were an essay i'd get an F, so any english teachers/students please stop reading.

so yeah. these hippy poetry readings. i enjoy them. immensely. and i realized that in order to preserve my sanity i need to clear up my schedule a bit to go to a few of these things. it's not fair to myself to just study art in poetry in school. that's how you end up hating what you love. you actually have to get out there and do it, and it's making me fall in love with the stuff all over again. so i am trying to get sundays free. i forgot what weekends were like; i forgot people go out and do stuff and relax even when it's still daylight outside. it's not that i don't normally socialize, i just got stuck in a rut of going to work and then going out late when i finally got out of work and it works sometimes but not all the times. this weekend thing has worked out pretty well. i've met a lot of awesome new people and i've also gotten to re-know some of my good friends. i've found new interests, done and seen a lot of cool things, eaten a lot of good food, heard some amazing poetry, made a lot of business contacts and just all around thoroughly enjoyed myself. it just sucks when i have to go back to work.

i guess the only downside to having all this fun is that work and school are way more boring. only in their traditional forms though. i love work when i am being challenged and learning new things and taking on more responsibility. otherwise the same old thing is boring. i also know that by next semester i will not be working at the salon regularly because by that time i will be devoting way more time to my future plans, whether that be getting through the semester, preparing for grad school, or preparing for the rest of my life and whatever it is i may be doing. as far as school, i hate being in traditional classes and i don't know how i ever took all those classes. i only have 4 more classes to take in order to finish school completely. that thought is both relieving and also scary. not scary like "omg i'm going to graduate and i don't know what i'm going to do with my life and i have to go into the real world." no, i have never had a thought like that. i am just worried about how tedious it is going to be because i have 4 specific classes and there is no wiggle room and no time to fuck up and i hate spending time doing stuff i don't enjoy so i have to keep my head in the game and find a way to make it worthwhile. i love doing stuff outside the classroom, like all the time i've spent tutoring at the learning bank and umbc writing center and teaching this semester at the elementary school. sometimes it surprises me how much i really enjoy working with people. when i was little i was so quiet and lonely and sensitive. if you looked at me i would literally cry, probably because i spent so much time isolated within my own head and had no clue what was going on. it's not a happy way to live so...i found a different way. i know, i don't talk a lot because i don't like to waste anyone's time so this is my outlet every five years.

my home life leaves something to be desired, in other peoples' eyes. in actually, i am completely fine with it. i have come to terms with everything i have seen and dealt with and i try to learn every day the difference between what i can and can't control. i have not spent more than 15 minutes total at my house over the past 2 1/2 weeks because it really isn't my home anymore. it just doesn't fit into the equation and it doesn't make sense to try and make it fit. at times i thought i could rescue my family and make them all better and absolve all their wrong turns and debt but there's no way. my father is not ready to overcome his drug addiction yet. the hardest part is waiting and not knowing. most people need to hit rock bottom with their problems, whatever it may be, before they decide to find a way to change. and you don't know what rock bottom is until you see. i have seen my father blackout drunk and seizuring in the street, i see him coming and going from the house at all hours of the night to buy drugs, i have seen him spend countless hours in the shed smoking crack. i have driven 2 1/2 hours to the eastern shore to pick him up from jail, and i have gotten into physical arguments with him over his problems. i know that the majority of you have not had to experience any of this, nor do i ever wish you have to. and yet none of those moments have been his rock bottom. i am unsure if his rock bottom will be his turning point or if it will be his death, but all you can do is wait, and in the meantime work on making yourself stronger. i am completely okay, nonetheless.

but anyway i guess it was about 2 1/2 weeks ago where another switch went off in my head. i couldn't do it anymore and this time i recognized the feeling, because it was a feeling i had had a year before when i broke up with my boyfriend. i know it sounds strange, did i break up with my father? maybe, i don't know, but i just know there was a complete change. it happens very quietly and there's nothing you can do to stop it or reverse it. although it was different than before because i have always had a lot of love for my ex-boyfriend and would do anything for him regardless. i don't mean to lump the two together.

anyway, so that is where i'm at in my head. i feel stable and happy and in control. i'm excited for the upcoming months for various reasons, some of which i didn't even begin to talk about yet. time for bed. goodnight!
give me pie

wild card inside wild card inside [19 Oct 2007|10:50am]
what is going on with my life? i don't know. here's my attempt at things:

last friday night i did nothing; i went to bed early because i was extremely tired.

saturday i worked and rushed down to the city by myself to meet sarah jane and friends at the ottobar. they were having a dance night; it wasn't as good as taxlo but i still needed to get away from work and see other people regardless. after the ottobar, we went to paper moon, which was the first time going there for me. it was nice, an artsy, better double t. i want to take all of my friends there soon.

sunday i was supposed to serve in the morning and host at night but they scheduled me for 9 shifts this week at unos so i was like "hey, i'm tired of working and have to do other work other places so no" so i cleaned the salon in the morning. i also just remembered i got someone to cover my hosting shift that night so i could go to sarah jane's poetry reading at minas. so that was at 4 in hampden. her work was amazing. after the reading we went to a bar down the street and ate some food, and then i went home for a little bit. i was supposed to go out again and meet sarah in ellicott city for some burrs but i fell asleep for too long and missed it. and then mary and connor and i went to the paper moon that night and it was enjoyable.

monday i hosted morning and night and don't remember anything else besides that.

tuesday i had poetry workshop in the morning, it was okay, i didn't have much to look at but my portfolio is slowly building and it feels solid so far. tuesday afternoon i was supposed to take my brother to the dentist at 4 and also be at work at 4. so i took my brother to the dentist and told work i'd be a little late. and then leaving the dentist, my car broke down and stopped in the middle of a major road. i thought i may have ran out of gas. conveniently enough, the dentist is right next to a gas station so i went over and got gas and then put it in my car but my car still wasn't working right. i got it over to the gas station and filled it up the rest of the way and it still wasn't working so i didn't run out of gas. i waited a long time for my father to come and get the car while unos bothered me about not being at work. they didn't understand why i would rather sit at a gas station for an hour and a half instead of being at work. i also had to go get my brother from the dentist and i wanted to insert a short blurb about this. usually when you go to the dentist you get some service performed and then you pay some money for the services rendered, so i figured i have money and my mother is bad at paying bills, mainly because she doesn't have money to pay said bills so i tried to pay for my brother's dentist stuff and the lady was giving me a hard time. it annoyed me because she knows nothing about my life and she has no right to try and stop me from paying for what should be paid for. and it was a bad time to argue with me, considering they could see my car broke down from their office window. fuckers. and then my father finally showed up after he got a ticket for turning at a stoplight on red and somehow my car made it back the couple of blocks to my house. then we went to pepboys to get a $80 part that we thought would fix the car but it didn't so then my father just took me to work. at work for some reason my co-workers didn't understand why i wouldn't want to talk about my car and why i was 2 1/2 hours late getting to work but i got through it and that was that. i took my mother's car to school that night to use it to get to work the next morning but then i realized that i forgot my parking permit and it probably wouldn't be valid anyway since it was on a different car and parking services is filled with assholes.

so on wednesday i had to leave campus as close to 7am as possible even though i didn't have to be at work until 11am. i went to my house and figured i would nap for a little bit, but i ended up staying awake the whole time. i took my brother to school and some other stuff, and then i went to work where i served that morning. i also forgot that i had taken off work at the hair salon that night because i had an event for school to go to that evening. i went home after i served that morning, and by the time i was about to leave the house to go back to school it was around 4. i had to go back and school and get ready and go down to the city by 6. but then my brother asked if he could use the car to pick up his girlfriend from the city where she lives because my mom had his car. so we drove down to the city, picked her up, and drove back. it was getting very close timewise so at that point i had no time to get ready. then a classmate called and needed to carpool so i met her real fast and we headed back down to the city at lightning speed. parking was a hassle but besides that we would have made it at 6. the event was a design symposium at the baltimore museum of art, strangely in the same area as the paper moon which i had, as already stated, been to twice in the past couple of days. the symposium was apparently put together by one of my teachers at umbc which was cool, because it was really packed and had all sorts of art students and graphic designers and teachers at it. Five practicing graphic designers each talked about their work in the field, specifically pertaining to design work in and for the community. all of them were really interesting to me in one aspect or another and events like that are weird because i usually have to be dragged to them or required to go by school, but once i get there i enjoy it and it really refuels me in regards to my work as an artist and art student and community service volunteer. but it took the five artists 2 1/2 hours just to go through their presentations so my friend and i had no energy left to stay and actually even listen to or participate in the actual discussion. we left and i raced back to umbc, where i had to shower and quickly get ready to go to dollar beer night with my friends. i was exhausted at this point but i really enjoy the social time i get with my friends, considering how much i have been working lately. mary and lauren and i finally made it to dollar beer night, and i'm glad they both went considering mary wasn't feeling well and lauren usually has other events on wednesdays. it was nice spending time with the two friends i have known since the beginning of college and they are probably the friends i am closest to regarding umbc. once i started drinking, though, i realized that i had not eaten since 3:30 that day, which was a good 8 hours away. i don't know the diets of normal people, but 8 hours is a very long time for me to go without eating a meal or snacking on anything. i didn't even notice how long it had been or how sporadic my diet has been because i have been so busy and all my events bleed into one another. so i actually felt a little drunk for once. the night was fun, but it was the earliest i had ever left dollar beer night (okay it was at closing time) which was kind of disappointing.

i was also disappointed at the fact that i still had no car, as i had returned my mother's car that night despite the fact that my mother still said i could use hers. i just don't like using other people's things. i don't like having to depend on anyone for anything in general but i can accept it and get over. having said that, mary had to give me a ride to work thursday morning. thursday was pretty easy because i am a double that day so i knew i just needed a ride to work and then a ride home many hours later and nothing in particular to do that night. so i served in the morning and didn't make a lot of money, but it was okay because i wasn't feeling as energetic anyway after being out the night before and being out of the swing of things without a car. i had a lot of time to waste in between serving and hosting because it was slow and they didn't need me on the clock. i really only hosted for two hours or so at the most that night, and then mary was kind enough to pick me up. we went to my house where we buried her beloved pet hamster in my yard. it was a fitting place, as there is a long history of animals being buried in my yard, considering my mother has lived in that house since she was three. there are a few poodles, many cats, some goldfish, and now a nice addition to the bunch, a hamster. variety is the spice of life. we also were social with my cats, and then we got to play with the beagle puppy that my father has been testing out the past few days. the puppy is very nice and it's a very quiet and snuggly little puppy. i am all for cute puppies and would definitely help to take care of it if my father decides to keep it. but on the other hand, i don't think it's fair of my father to make that commitment in his life without making other commitments to straighten out his life. it's also a large burden on my mother who takes care of our six cats and the rest of my family and household. she is now the main source of income for the house so this is a big addition for someone who has to take care of so much already, and she has been very very tired and also depressed lately, fairly so for the situation her life is in. anyway, we went home then and i went to bed around midnight, again exhausted.

this finally brings me today. i didn't get up as early as i wanted to, but i got up for class and went to the library. i wasn't finished with my current poem so instead i printed out copies for the other students of my series so far. my series is six solid poems right now, but i realized with this last poem i started to write that i needed to refocus and redirect myself on where i wanted to go in the series and how it is shaped so far, so i wanted the input of some others with a brief read-through of it. after printing my stuff i had a little bit of time so i got coffee for conor and i and then went to class but class was cancelled. so i came back to my room and wrote a long blog about my life, and an hour later the two coffees were finished. not that i will be feeling any sort of effects of caffeine; i will probably just have to pee a lot.

the rest of my day goes like this: at 12 i have a meeting to discuss our progess so far for the mapping of the community project. this project is interesting because it's very frustrating and at the same time i get this amazing adrenaline rush from it that lasts the whole day wnen i do teach. what's frustrating is that our class time is on fridays for an hour, but that's when a lot of professional development days are scheduled for schools. so instead of the eight weeks we are supposed to have, we are only getting like six weeks to work with the students. so everything we do is very quick and rushed in that hour. i was worried we wouldn't make an impact, but my mind was changed last week. as soon as we stepped in the doorway for the classroom all the kids yelled excitedly. they were a lot more into it than the last week. we made it a work session for them to start sketching and listing ideas of what they wanted their own maps to be about. the kids were very into this and we floated around the classroom quite chaotically trying to talk to all the kids as much as possible and direct their ideas. i was able to help almost all of them somehow, and sometimes i feel like they are all over the place and not understand things. but then i remind myself that they're eight years old and that this is a lot for them, and then i am very pleased with everything they have done and comprehended so far. they were really excited this week. it really hit me what we were doing when at the end of class they were really upset because we told them we wouldn't be seeing them this week because schools were closed. at the end of class one kid was even crying because he couldn't think of any ideas or anything to sketch. i was extremely humbled that he took it that seriously, and hopefully i did an okay job at consoling him. when we left the kids were upset and anxious for us to go and some even ran up and gave us hugs, so that was cool. i felt bad for leaving; we have so little time with them.

so that is what i'm discussing at 12. at 1 i have graphic design V where i have a midterm. i have done no studying for this midterm so after this i'm going to shower and then study a bit because i haven't spent much time in class either. the rest of my week is so hectic and so involved that i can't get myself to sit in a classroom for 2 1/2 hours once a week just listening to a lecture. after class, if my wish has been granted, my car might be fixed and then i just need to find a way to my house and then go to work. if it's not fixed, then i just need a ride to work. and then after work i'm going to taxlo with a bunch of friends, so that should be exciting. i don't have enough time to talk about everything else.

after writing all that, now i understand why i feel so tired when i go to bed. but i do all of it because i enjoy it all and sincerely enjoy the people i spend my time with; and even though it makes me really tired to run around, it also gives me a lot of energy and inspiration to keep going.

so that's what i've been up to, what about you?
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[25 Oct 2005|08:29am]
haha this morning i have $427.59 in my bank account. that will be gone in a matter of several days, but still, it hasn't been that high in forever and i find it funny. maybe if i can do this, one day i will be able to afford my laptop after all.
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[29 Sep 2005|04:40pm]
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||| 40%
Stability |||||||||||||||| 66%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 60%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 43%
Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56%
Intellectual |||||| 30%
Mystical |||||||||||| 43%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||| 23%
Materialism |||||||||||||| 56%
Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43%
Work ethic |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56%
Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56%
Romantic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Avoidant |||||||||| 36%
Anti-authority |||||||||| 36%
Wealth |||||||||| 36%
Dependency |||||||||| 36%
Change averse |||||||||||| 43%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 50%
Peter pan complex |||||| 30%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Histrionic |||||||||| 36%
Paranoia |||||| 30%
Vanity |||||||||||||||| 63%
Hypersensitivity |||||| 30%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
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for all those kids with silly fathers [26 Aug 2005|02:10pm]
You're a few years overdue.
I spent them waiting here for you.
Now your charity's refused,
I can name a penance for abuse.

Twenty four years overdue,
what kind of role model are you?
Very least learn not to do,
I think I might be over you.

Do hope I won't
Learn to make
The same mistakes,
That you would.
Make me aware
That only fear,
My only hope,
Is letting go.

Went on a limb for you,
Capsized when I turned twenty two.
Did it burn as bad for you?
No bottle serves to soothe my wounds.

Do hope I won't
Learn to make
The same mistakes,
That you would.
Make me aware
That only fear,
My only hope,
Is letting go.
My only hope
Is letting go.

You're a few years overdue.
I spent them waiting here for you.

-The Get Up Kids, "Overdue"
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[14 Aug 2005|02:45pm]
uhhh

i just made curtains.

they're okay. they're actually the same curtains i've had on my windows since i about moved into my room, but now they are actually on a curtain rod. so all i did was used an iron-on hem to fit it on the curtain rod. screw you.

and it's really hot. i don't want to really go anywhere to save gas and money, but it would be nice to have somewhere to be in the AC all day or at least until frank comes home from work. 5 or 6 more hours to go. maybe i will paint something to pass the time. 2 more weeks until i move back into school, that will be nice. i am actually excited about the dining hall. i desperately need to eat more healthly food and increase my calcium intake. i am not a fan of milk, but i do love cheese, and there is also some tasty chocolate milk back at school. i think my pants have been more baggy around the waste on me, i'm not sure. but i don't know what to think about that because basically my pants size is determined by my hips, which are bone. so my hips haven't gotten smaller, and while i may be on the lower side of my weight range, i don't think my waist got that smaller either.

work is going well but i'm crazy so yeah. tomorrow after work at my 2nd salon i am going to an interview at a 3rd salon that is transitioning into a full spa. if the 3rd salon paid well and interested me, i might be willing to quit the 2nd salon. the only problem is the people are all really nice at the 2nd salon, and so it would be hard for me to quit.

i will probably play some 50 games of spider solitaire today. i also might watch some of my brother's and mother's dvd collection, which includes bambi, and for some reason, something's gotta give, and the village. maybe i will watch that last scene in the village to see if it was really a boom mic or not. yawn.


love you
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[13 Aug 2005|11:43pm]
meh. i feel like i could write a book dedicated to the delicacies of the old women i deal with every day at the salon. maybe one day i will take the time to write an entry about it, but i'm warning you, it will be a long entry.

i will be able to pay all of my tuition & housing bill on time i believe, which is nice. i just have to get up tomorrow and get to the bank @ security to cash my check and give frank the phone bill money.


i'm tired so i'm going to take a quasi-nap while watching snl and waiting for my wonderful, sexy, smart boyfriend frank.

and everyone should see the movie garden state at least once, if not six times.
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[09 Aug 2005|10:54pm]
meh. i deposited $270 into my bank account today, so tomorrow or whenever it shows up i will be able to pay $290 of my tuition bill, which will leave $177 left. not too bad, hopefully i'll manage the rest. i am working a lot this week and so even tho i get paid crap, i should have some money. i still don't even know if i get paid on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. i do feel more comfortable at my new job tho, the stylists have warmed up to me. it takes a while; the clients have to trust and enjoy me first, and then once they start telling the stylists that i shampoo well, then the stylists will make sure i shampoo their people. and blah blah blah. it would be nice to have a set schedule so i am not asked to work 6 days a week.

i still called another salon a mile closer down rt 40 today tho. i am so horrible. it would be nice to make more than $4/hour even with tips.

i'm going to wait to buy my textbooks until classes start. i should only have to buy two books or so anyway. one of them is like $10-15 online used and the other is a more expensive art book, around $80. sucks but eh. and then i have to get frankie some awesome birthday presents. it sucks that the first day of classes is his birthday, but hopefully he won't be working and i think i finish classes at like 4:30.

i can't think of anything else to say right now.


love you
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[05 Aug 2005|03:31pm]
oh crap.

i was alright until i decided to check my umbc account balance again and saw that they had just assessed my "single room fee", which is $230, so now i owe them a total of $467. this makes me sad anyway, but umbc is silly because they give you 20 days to pay the bill from the date they bill you. the thing is, the date they "bill" you is usually at least 5 days before anything shows up on your online account or any bill comes in the mail, so you really have like 15 days to pay it before any late fees are charged on top of them. but whatever. i will get through that. and i have to buy warped tour tickets, i believe we are going. and i still have to go to work at 4. oh boy oh boy. and it's hot.
give me pie

me want cookies [04 Aug 2005|11:41pm]
back from the beach

betcha didn't even notice i was gone




see i'm sly like that

but anyway here's an update: umbc is stupid and slow with their billing process but i owe them $237 by aug 17th, i'm hungry, i have to unpack, and i don't feel like working tomorrow morning but blah. maybe work 9-1, go to post office and drop off umbc books, go to work @ 4:30.

and now for something different, stolen from conorCollapse )
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[25 Jul 2005|12:44am]
sorry for stealing, clark. maybe you're too coked up to notice, though.

LiveJournal Username
Public or Private?
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Talks shit about youbasilwhite
Class whoremethehobbit
Hooked up with your significant other in Janitor closetmyflyingmachine
Has slept with more than 2 teacherskulpster85
Is a virgin, contrary to popular beliefkulpster85
Got kicked out for doing coke lines on the urinalsclarkbmiller
Biggest teaseglorytears
Gets detention daily for masturbating in classmethehobbit
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and conor, you should uh, get help...
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[22 Jul 2005|11:16pm]
it is that time again. the breaking point for me where i am depressed to be at home and not away somewhere like school. luckily, i have just over a month more to wait to move back in, and for a week of that time i will be at the beach. it figures that i am so lucky with so much and then whatever else that is left over that i can't control turns completely to crap. i wish i was adopted. even when i was little i thought about what would happen if my parents died and i had to move in with relatives. but with such bad luck i have on the homefront, my fantasy would probably turn into a nightmare and i would have to live with my redneck whitetrash aunt instead of the fewer untrashy relatives i have and i would also get breast cancer and lung disease and die. oh god it's so annoying.

i imagine if they had any other daughter besides me she would look like those trashy girls with their hair completely gelled back and gross looking and at night she would slit her wrists and then go play with her three year old son jamal.

so i have this new job as a shampoo girl at another salon that is 3 blocks away from the salon i am currently working at. i am going to probably die. i only work 2 evenings and every other sunday morning cleaning the first salon and get paid $9/hour with my new raise. sadly, it's still not enough to support myself right now. what is even more sad is that the new job pays $4/hour and so i work a buttload of hours and this week i only get $160 for all of it. this means i am going to have to get used to not using all of my tips as spending money and actually use some of them to pay my bills, which is sad. and i don't even know if i'm going to be able to keep up this second job once school kicks in, so it's a little bit of a gamble on my part. but if school comes around and it's too much, i won't feel bad about quitting because i know i work hard and i know what my priorities are. besides, conor is so sexy and cool so i'm sure she would always let me work with her at the office if i needed to. it's a lot more convenient and a little less scary.

tonight in lieu of running i did 60 crunches. that is not really much but whatever. and i just didn't go running because i am always thinking about eating and my cravings are especially strong around 8. so i ended up eating some easy mac around 8:40 and was like, "oh damn, now i am full and can't run".


"oh damn, gotta go"

kthnxbye
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[15 Jul 2005|11:53pm]
soooooo....Collapse )
3 pie eaters|give me pie

[09 Jul 2005|02:41am]
I'M SO TIRED OF FUCKING BUGS! BUGS EVERYWHERE! fucking shit
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[09 Jun 2005|04:16am]
It's amazing how energetic tearing apart one's computer can be. After anally(sp?) raping my computer, router, and wireless network for a while, operation get-internet-in-my-room was successful. Any reason whatsoever left for me to be on the internet at 4am now? No. Maybe frank will get on and i will talk to him, but probably not. either way, i will be up at 12, and frank probably won't.
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let's have sex. [09 Jun 2005|03:01am]
i'm going to shoot my fucking computer and its stupid wireless pci adapter. FUCK! i just want to be writing this from downstairs. i wouldn't have a need to be writing this if my adapter worked downstairs, but godamnit i could go to sleep finally and have some worthless aim message up but at least i would have my peace of mind. so frustratingggggggg. i changed my mind, it's too hot to have sex.
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