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I'M FINE WITHOUT YOU. [entries|friends|calendar]
Emily Jean

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August 2nd, 2006
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Stick your hands inside of my pockets
Keep them warm while I'm still here
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
Stick your heart inside of my chest
Keep it warm here while we rest
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all.

Today: I felt sick most of the day. Threw up a bit. My mouth still hurts. One day closer to Minneapolis I hope! I love chocolate... Mmmm...

How do you know when to let go?
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May 29th, 2006
Because of you I'm running out of reasons to cry. ♥
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May 22nd, 2006
[ mood | BITTER!@ ]

Gahh!:!#:#!:@#! I could write for hours about today and thoughts, but you know...
SO if you're remotely interested in ME. ASK ME.



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May 22nd, 2006
[ mood | tired ]

Instead of simply going to sleep like I should, since I am dead fucking tired, I decide to sit on my computer.

So I'm back in Annandale. :]
It's a big leap from the big city, but I'll live.
This is my home, and it's good to be in my house.
I can hear the birds sing, and see the stars at night.
It's quiet; I don't hear the sirens going every hour of the night.
Once it's warm out I can swim!!#!@@!!@
I wish my room had more windows... Sunlight makes me happy.
Well, I have a few goals.
1.Get a job!!! EEKS@!!!:DD
2.Get a killer tan. Ow ow!
3.Get a summer body, not this winter flab. [I let myself go!]
4.Get extentions. :D :D :D
5.I wish I could say "Summer love affair." Since I'm such a romantic fag. I think summer is one of the best times to have a special someone. xP
6.Ignore six.
7.Find out what I am all about. Find myself. I'm awesome so I need to realize it.
8.Tuff up!!! I cry over everything, seriously. Like the other day I rode by on my bike a dead squirrel. I almost lost it. DON'T BE A PUSSY!
9.Keep busy, I should never be bored. Because when I'm bored my mind wanders and usually I end up upsetting myself for some reason or another.
10.Have the best time of my life with the people I love most. My family and friends.

I loveeee TSP. Gahh#!!@:;wtf!@//@!>
If I could sleep forever, would you still be in my dreams?

I figured out why I'm tired when I sleep at Mike's.
Because I don't get good sleep, I toss and turn and cough. I also have very vivid dreams and I used to never remember my dreams. Nightmares too. Iguess i'm stressing out. I'm not capable of sleeping with someone next to me?! pffttt. Maybe I'm not cut out to ever have a lover in bed. I'm doomed for a lonely life. :[ :[ OH THE AGONY! WELL I'll be alone for the next few months so that'll give me enough time to catch up on my zzz's. [How sad]

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May 18th, 2006
[ mood | Well Worried. ]

Mikey is amazing. ♥

That's all I've got for now. :]
You should be jealous.

I go home in... 3 days.
Say goodbye, Minneapolis.
Until next time.</3

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May 18th, 2006

someone to be my sunshine, my only sunshine.
someone to make me happy when skies are grey.
someone to tell me "You'll never know dear, how much I love you".
someone who will never walk away.

Does that kind of love exist anywhere besides Hollywood?

No more fighting.
Do you see the sadness in my eyes?
Can we make it?
Do we love each other?
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May 17th, 2006
I'll admit it. I'm sad. Really sad. Summers here. Me and Mike are going to part ways and boom, he'll find someone else or he'll forget about me. They're just my deepest worries. But he loves me. It still isn't easy, especially with my empty words.
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May 16th, 2006
Days go by...
Still it feels like nothing.
Why do I feel like things are slightly skewed?
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' [Thursday
May 11th, 2006
[ mood | determined ]

It's life's little let downs, spontaneity...

So here I am, I just finished my papers, now I should study. It's three in the morning, and I am feeling ever so worn out. Emotioanlly, physically, and mentally. I brought this upon myself, trust me I know this so I guess I can't complain. But I am just, blogging. Meh.

So birthdays to me are special, but something usually seems to go wrong. I try not to be a pessimist, but sometimes I can't help it. There are a bajillion wonderful, amazing things that happen to me and I am so so so lucky, but then there is that one thing that just gets to me. I know I shouldn't, but I get all pouty because it's my birthday and I want everything to go right. I am a spoiled brat who wants her way, especially on a day that is supposed to be special. It's hard to focus on the good things in life, but I try. I try so hard, I hope people see that in me. And I have this problem, I do not think people see the good in me, because I do make so many mistakes and fuck up so bad. I am always talking about that, oh woe me, but that isn't it! This year I think I have made so many impacting mistakes than I ever have in my entire life. They really hold my heart down. Once again, try and look at the good things that you've acomplished. I guess it matters most importantly what I think about myself. I have learned a lot this year, and oh my God I can't even describe how much things have changed for me. I have so many emotions it's like I'm some angsty teenager. I cry about everything. I cry because I lost someone I thought I would have spent the rest of my life with [unrealistic] but I met someone who I never thought I could ever meet, undescribable. I met a soul with the biggest heart in the entire world. I met someone who I can share my thoughts and relationship problems with [ha] I met a girl who just wanted to have a good time because she felt her high school years were not fullfilling enough. I met so many people that impacted my life, and I love them all. I do know that my heart has grown 194924924924x bigger than ever, and what for? I've went through hell. I do not think anyone knows how unhappy I was the first semester, espcially towards the end of it besides maybe Jim. I remember one time I was in A-dale for the weekend. Me and Jim were fighting about something stupid so I was like, "Fine! I want to go back!" So he took me back. I am stubborn as hell, so I refused to speak, but about halfway I begged him to turn around, because I did not want to go back. I cried my eyes out simply because I did not want to come back here. I begged and begged, like I was being taken to a death camp or something. Pathetic! It was just me not feeling comfortable in my own skin, in my surroundings. I did not take the time to step out that door as much as I should have, instead I wanted to find a place where I could feel safe, and that was in his room surrounded by what was familiar. But fuck that. I am so much better than that, it was just adjusting to the change. Yeah, I did not do enough to get my ass out of this crappy dorm, but sometimes you just have to deal with the cards your dealt with, even though I didn't even deal with what I was dealt, because I was always trying to get the fuck out of here and go somewhere else. I just wanted to be by people that liked me I guess. I didn't care if it was in a tent outside, I just wanted to feel comfortable in my surroundings. Only a small handfull of people around here like me. So why would I put up with being here. My own fault.
I don't even know why I cry sometimes, but I have been crying a lot. I just want to cry about everything. I want to spill out my insides unto the floor and have them picked apart by standing observers. I just want to get everything out. I feel like such a freak because I am always crying or complaining about something. In all reality I have it great, my life is great. It's just the lack of direction that really hurts. Where am I going, what am I doing? This is all typical anxiety of a college kid, so I'm not all really different, there's like a bajillion other people that feel this way.
So I wanted to find baggage that goes with mine. Did I really find that? I think that me and Michael have a lot in common on the grounds of where we have been stabbed in the chest. He is a lot stronger than me though, and tougher. I got used to being shit on so much, I got used to being numb. I didn't think three years was such a big deal, but it really is. Three years can morph you into an entirely different person. So I wonder what I'll be like in three years. 21... Probably hotter than I already am. [haha] I always thought I was mature and had my head on straight, but hell I was so so wrong about myself. My head is like twisting off, and I am not mature at all. I act like I'm 10. Gosh, I kick myself for that. I want to be so much better. do I have too high of expectations for myself in such a short period of time? I think that next year will really be different. I am really looking forward to coming back to school. Uh oh here comes the waterworks again. All of these fucking emotions are so overwhelming. I do not want to float through life not knowing who I am, what I am about, and what I want to achieve. I know that...
All of my goals or dreams are stupid love shit, like oohh find my soul mate. Wtf. Be logical!

I want spend my lifetime in pursuit of love.
So I need a career that I can show my love through.


So yeah. My birthday was pretty great! AL came down, :] Mike made me a giant cookie cake, and he gave me a card in which the words presented in it will touch my heart forever. My friends came out to eat with me, which is the best gift ever. I'm really going to miss John, I'm really attached to that kid. haha
On the downer, I puked because I did not feel good most of the night. I am also a dumb ass.
Oh well. OH I got a rockstar drink too :] It makes my pee neon colored, I love it.

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May 10th, 2006
So today has been good and it's only mid-day. Except for the whole writing papers shit.
Mike woke me up with kisses! [my favorite thing in the entire world!] and then he took me out to breakfast. yayayayaa I'm so lucky! :D Mmhmm he is fine and he's mine! Okay... Lawlzzz... Anna Lee is coming down later too! my Bestie!
I'm sick of being in my room. help!#!!@
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May 10th, 2006
[ mood | disappointed ]

Why do I have problems with my significan others doing drugs? Probably because in my last relationship, drugs was a huge part of what tore us apart. I can't really say anything either because that would make me a huge hypocrite, since I do drugs as well. I don't trust drugs, that is all. Oh the agony. *sigh*

It's my birthday, stop thinking about stupid shit.

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May 9th, 2006
[ mood | bitchy ]

In answer to the question from the previous blog: no.

My lungs are collasping; quit smoking.

Can I paint you a pretty picture darling?
One where the sky is blue and the grass is green.
And there in the middle will be my heart.

What I have to be proud of:
I'm friends with John.
Everything else is all thanks to everyone else, I didn't do any of it on my own.
My family... My friends, Mike I owe it to you.
Without you I couldn't have made it.

Fuck you, I can feel what I feel.
I can be as irrational as I want.
I can go slit my wrists in the bathroom if I want.
Or laugh the loudest in a quiet room.
I can be proud of myself for sticking my head out of this room.
Even if I didn't do a good job, even if I failed countless times, even if I would fall down and wait a while before I picked myself up, even if I cried myself to sleep, even if I did anything to get out of here, even if I waited until the last minute, even if I bitched everytime I had to come back here. It looks like I'm doing better off than some people, including you on the first year.
I don't even know if I am proud.
I just want to feel good about something.
And I feel good that I tried to get out of here.

I'm having the day from hell.

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May 9th, 2006
I am his and he is mine! ♥

He is so beautiful when he smiles.

I love that smile.
I remember it is one of the first things that I noticed about him.
There was this time, in his room, we barely knew each other that he kept smiling at me, and it felt... So amazing. Indescribable.
He would look at me, and give me a little smile that totally made my heart race.
And his eyes are unlike anything I've ever seen.
Not even the ocean is as beautiful as his eyes.
This one time, a long time ago we were in the car driving up onto the highway, and all I could do is stare at his eyes in the sunlight. All of the flecks of colors sparkled. I remember that moment so well.
Oh I got so lost in them.
And I still do.
I'd pay attention to his every movement, studying him carefully. Just because every movement he made was unlike anything I have ever seen before. I can't even put into words what I felt.
He had me at hello.
I remember one morning I walked four+ miles at seven in the morning just so I could say goodbye.
Yeah, I love him and no one better question that [especially me], or I'll smash their skull in.
It's genuine.
I could hold him in my arms for hours on end.
I could adore him for eternity.
I can't even put into words how much I adore him.
I would do anything for him.
Not out of despiration, but out of compassion.
Out of l o v e.
Because it is that smile that makes me smile.
And those tears that make me weep.
What he feels, I feel. When he is sad I am sad.
That's how deep this connection is.
So I don't know what the future holds for us.
I can't have a lifetime guarentee on a relationship.
I can believe though.
Love is looking past perfection.
He is perfect.
Because he isn't perfect.
He is Michael.
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May 3rd, 2006
[ mood | tired ]

Like the bridges you've burned.

I'm tired.
I could only take an hour nap because I had an interview.
It went Ok.

Ask me about it, maybe I'll be interested in talking. MMMM?!?!

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April 26th, 2006
Tell me how anyone thinks under this condition.

My heart skips beats. I wonder if my heart really feels, or if it is just in my head. Or your head. I have a heart.

When shit turns sour and falls apart, what do you do?
I'm a sitting duck.
My love will be good enough for someone one day.
I thought I had it all.
I speak in fragments, it's retarded.

I may be forced to give up on something that I believe so strongly in.
It's like being crushed by the fist of defeat, excpet it is more than just that.
I will prepare myself for the worst, but hope for the best.
Because I love that boy with all of my heart.
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April 24th, 2006
[ mood | cold ]

So I acomplished pretty much nothing today.
Oh well. No biggie.

My roomie has her people here, and I think they're going to be here like all week.

I think I might go like pitch a tent outside.


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April 22nd, 2006
[ mood | sleepy ]

The world's got me dizzy again...

Mmhmm Bright Eyes ♥

Iwas going to write about Thursday, but then I realized that I can't remember the small details of what I did, so that would not make it really complete. Why bother, it isn't like it really matters.

Friday, I woke up. I was slightly crabby because my roomie doesn't even try and be quiet anymore, but maybe she thought it was only right thatI woke up. It was like 11. Needless to say I didn't actually get up until 12. My parents called asking for what kind of printer I have to get new ink for me. I could not even find the ink cartrages, how lame. So I jumped in the shower staring at a wall covered in slime and numerous hairs from numerous people. Gross I thought to myself, but it could be worse. The water no longer smells like dirt and it reaches a temperature past luke warm. I dress, I put on my makeup. It does not make me feel any prettier. Inperfection is my talent.
I did some laundry, packed my bag, checked the bus schedule, made my bed, folding my laundry, and left behind my abode for the weekend. Outside, it was cold and rainy. I smiled as I ran to the bus that I wanted to catch, but didn't. So I stood under the shelter until I could catch another bus. I thought I was going to be late for the 50, but I made it on time. I took it down to Marqueete where there was a SM bus awaiting to bring me to my destination. I got on, it was nice. A mix between a coach bus and a city bus. The air conditioner was on, blowing at my legs. Brr. I watched the city pass on by out the window. I was happy to be there, to know where I was going. I arrived in Chaska on time, still cold out. Tony was in the Super Target, so I went inside. I love Target. We walked around for a while, looking at trail mix and juices. Easter stuff, 75% off, omg. I got a Hello Kitty basket, fricken cute. We hopped in his ghetto ass car and drove to Waconia. I hadn't been there in months. We wemt to his house, sat around, goofed off. Time for the play. I waited around in the school entrance, people wondering who the hell is that? It reminded me of high school and how much has changed in a year. The play was cute, funny. After, Tony took me to the cast party. That was fun, except about 5+ people asked if I was his girlfriend, and that was only at the cast party, we're not even talking about before. We left around one, came back to his house. I wanted to go in the hot tub bad, but he's all like, it's cold and I'm tired. Fineee. Promise in the morning? Okay. We began to watch Fight Club since I have never seen it, Brad Pitt is hot. He fell asleep before me, but I passed out shortly after. Now I am here. He had to leave quick for his other play, and should be back quick. This keyboard sucks, if I had to use it all of the time I'd be pissed. Haha. We better go in the fucking hot tub... Haha. I think later we're going to his friends house to do shit. Then he's bringing me back to Minneapolis. My home.

:] :] Fun times.

I wonder when Mike's coming home... I kind of miss him.


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April 19th, 2006
[ mood | blank ]

Don't drown the sound out.

It's so easy to hide behind the computer screen.

I've had a shitty day.


But I finished the paper.


Now I could use some loves and hugs.

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April 18th, 2006
[ mood | sick ]

I really think it's true, sometimes the sun shines just for you.

Grrr. I am pretty pissed off. I talked to my boss today about getting paid, and he said that they figured everything out so I should have a check waiting for me. So all excited, I go and check for my check. [ha] And of course, no fucking check.

ARGGG. So I return to tell him and he's gone. That butthole. I'll go in tomorrow again.
I have two days to write like 20 pages. Ouch ouch. I still have to write a 5 page paper tonight, but that should only take 1-2 hours.

Stresssss. No wonder I am sick and am losing my voice.
I talked to my advisor today and I have to go see a career advisor and see if she lets up on my probation. I hope I can achieve my goals. I'm so nervous.

So I have a half an hour inbetween class. I get off at 5. I'll come back, write my heart out. Take a break here and there to keep my sanity.

This weekend I might go see Tony's play at his high school. If I do, I'll be fricken excited as hell because I really wanted to go see him in Grease, but I couldn't. Um, I think it's the Wizard of Oz... But I can't remember. It's a revised version I guess. I remember he said he was doing two plays. Pfft.

Otherwise I'm keeping my chin up! Look towards the sky Emily Jean. You can do it. Plus it's so beautiful outside. Mmm makes me want to nap. I think I lost like 2 lbs too, because I rarely eat fried foods and drink a lot of water. And when I do drink soda, it's usually diet. It's amazing how not drinking pop can like, effect stuff.

Oooh I got a ring pop today too. I Love those! Cotton Candy bliss here I come! ^___^ Btw, I hate apple flavored candy. Not good guys. Oops I spilt milk everywhere.

Dayummm... Oh did you know, she's God's gift to earfff?!?! [random]

Me and Mike are back together. :] :] :] I'm so lucky to have someone as loving and patient as he is. He's my Mikey Boo Bear!

Okay so... I'm done being a complete idiot for now.


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April 17th, 2006
[ mood | Foodless? ]

So staring down at the lunch that I didn't want to eat, but knew I had to because I don't want to become annoreixc, I decided to put everything into serving size proportions, or whatever you call that.

The things I ate:
1. 1/3 cup of mashed potatos.
2. 1/4 cup of peas
3. 1/2 piece of french bread
4. About 4 tbsp of soup.
5. 1/3 cup of nasty watered down Coke.
6. Some water.
7. Oh and like 5 bites of pudding.

I couldn't choke anymore down than that. Not even my cookie. :[

Yeah, I'm lame.

Don't forget to mention that I have a cold, that keeps getting worse. So I can't even taste it.

Anyways, I feel like crap. I don't even know why I bothered writing about this.

I'm going to go throw up now.

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