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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in _and_i_said's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
10:03 am
leave me alone, for you know this isn't the first time

failing to impress you in all that i can't do

i will be calmer than cream

one cocksure fox in a house of hens

i need some details too

i always knew you in your mothers arms

save your babies, here's your future

lost all your youth and all of your usefulness

this isn't dying, it's just a slow way of falling

a listless intellectual in her prime

and as for me, i'll wait and see

and it's like i said, that spirit is now dead

what if we wore our stripes in the sky

i can sleep in your dreams

come raise your head

you found yourself some mental health
but don't forget to write and stay home at night

remember this day.
Sunday, December 31st, 2006
9:24 pm
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
wake me up when we get to heaven.
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
2:43 am
to everyone--

as of monday, october 2nd, i will be entering a residential treatment center for my continuing bouts of depression. i will not have a cell phone or internet access for an extended period of time-- basically, i will not be able to contact the outside world with any amount of consistency. i don't expect my stay to be too long, but everyone should be informed.
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
12:49 am

the seanjin special.
Thursday, August 31st, 2006
6:44 am
Sunday, August 27th, 2006
4:45 am
i look at you and i see the war in your eyes

right into you, i will glow

cause it's one, two, three

oh, it's what you do to me

you're a fucking laugh riot

her day is mine

she always walked with the sun in her eyes

oh no, no no, you're not the one for me

nothing seems to take me over, nothing seems to let me go

come hell or high water this sick world will know i was here

i'm a bitter man, i know, but listen honey, you're no fun

i'm gonna teach you tricks that'll blow your mongrel mind

there must be some way out of here, said the joker to the thief

but this one crowded hour will lead to my wreck and ruin

oh you've got the darkest eyes

i will be your light

take ecstasy with me

wake me when we get to heaven

there's a thing left to say before we go
we will sing that we're all in love with you

i felt corrupt, i wrote back "good luck"
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
2:43 am
i feel way more defensive than i think i should have to be with the friends i see on a daily basis. and i have no idea what to do about it.
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
8:03 am
i spent new year's at home. i'm not suicidal. i don't want to hang out much at all, though, so if you're in the area that's why i haven't been picking up the phone or going anywhere.
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
11:57 pm
to anyone who's reading this journal...

i failed out again. i suffered a major depressive relapse this term and i will not be returning to drexel after my trip to acton, which has become permanent. i don't know what i'm going to do or whatever, but it's really tough right now. i'm pretty much officially a college dropout at this point. i don't know what to do and i don't think i'm looking for advice right now. i don't know if i really want to talk about it, or maybe i do and i just want to select when, i dunno-- but it is important for people to know this.
Friday, December 9th, 2005
4:14 pm
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
11:46 pm
i don't really know what to do. i just don't want to talk any more. i think i've been talking nonstop for the past year or so and i'm sick of it.
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
3:08 am
in truth, i am a being both of habit and of change. i have randomly noticed this over the past week, and really writing can be quite cathartic; i don't know why i don't do it more often. well that's not technically true, but let's continue anyways.

i was contemplating my friendships and i realise that i do not really place that much value on relationships other than In The Moment when i feel the strongest connection to a person, whether it is due to a string of good conversations or some transcendental feeling. the longest friendship i've had that has had serious conversations is with don, and after that perhaps juliet-- everyone else has drifted away somehow, whether it's due to the transient nature of schooling or my lack of effort in those relationships. i don't seriously talk to anyone, really, that i've met pre-philly. i have had this sort of "friendship shift" before, and it is almost as though i remove people from my life because it is too much of a hassle to maintain all those relationships. does this make me a monster? yes.

at the same time, i like to engage in repeated patterns of more mundane things, whether it is schooling, working, gaming, etc-- anything that is easily accomplished by oneself is my cup of tea. this is why i have such an affinity for computing and why i find myself so often at home on weeknights, arguing with myself about why i shouldn't go to show x or talk to person y. it's that much easier to just play a game or sleep because nobody else interferes with what i'm doing.

i enjoy running from things because it is easy and it suits me. my specialties are cutting ties and disappearing with few traces-- forgive me if i sound too emo, i'm well aware how bad this gets. especially at whatever ridiculous time in the morning it is. my patterns, however, continue to engage me, and i continue to self-destruct to a degree while i can. it's less exaggerated this time but all the signs are present. i will survive but i don't expect it to be easy, and i also plan on using that as a subconscious excuse to not do a lot of interaction. it's a shame i realize these things now. this means that i have on some level of consciousness been avoiding people, and for that i apologize.


so let me type while i'm semi-lucid and post messages to the people that may or may not be reading this.

heather-- i do want to hang out with you. you already know most of this anyways, but really, i value our friendship. it's just not easy for me now as i've provided myself with plenty of ammunition to feel guilty and/or wary of how other people will judge me. i'm amazed at your reactions and i think lunch here would be the best way to start things off again.

vicky and shannon-- i'm going to hang out with you people, dammit. shannon, i don't think you're reading this, but we're going to hang out again and there's nothing you can do about it. vicky, that goes double for you because i haven't seen you yet this year. expect a call from me soon.

don-- remember that one time sophomore year or so when you asked me if i was being cold or callous towards people or if it was you because you'd felt something different? you were dead on and it kinda scared me. but still. like i said, you've been the person i've talked to seriously for the longest time now, and i don't think i'll ever be able to match or even completely grasp your insights fully.

juliet-- you haven't been forgotten, and really you know a lot about me too. believe me when i say i do wish to talk to you further, and if i can find the timeuse the time i have better i will call you. like i said, you intrigue me every time you say or write something. i'd like to actually know what goes on in your head.

ashman-- i'm worried about you. i know you don't want to hear it, so that's all i'll say.

jess-- you already know you rock, but really, i'll call you sometime. like i said, it's not you, it's just my subconscious desire to isolate. and you're fun to talk to.

seanjin-- seriously, we'll hang out more. you'll probably call me an emo fuck too.

simay and kathy-- you are both great friends to heather and extraordinarily interesting people. if you don't want to cut out my throat if/when i meet you, i'd love to hang out some time.

christa-- i don't know you well enough, really. i know you still read this to some degree, and i find you to be a very intriguing person and a good writer, if nothing else. maybe at some future intersection of time and space we will hang out and it won't be weird.

controversy? maybe...

rickina-- i know you probably still read this too. i don't mind, really, because i don't write a lot. i didn't act very maturely in our relationship and i apologize for that. as you can probably tell, i don't really feel like i was or even am ready for any sort of relationship thing, and i didn't really act so well during ours. i don't feel the blame is all on my side of the field, and i feel we both acted immaturely after it ended, but really, if i wasn't so overreactive about the whole thing, who knows what would've happened. you were a much better judge of character than i thought you were.

i think i tended to embrace love as a catharsis for various gaps in my life, or not so much gaps but lack of understanding about what i really wanted/needed/had. love was just something i could grab on to in that transient moment, something that emphasized the relationship while i was into it and stressed me out when i felt like moving on. it was that much more of a rush, that much more of a drug to me, and now i'm back to my good old fix of introversion. i plan on fixing that, because for once i actually know what's going on with myself. i feel like the possibility of a new, different existence is open to me.
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
12:26 am
a few things
my bed is way too hard for me to consistently sleep even though i'm exhausted. ugh. well, plus i wanted to see what heather would write tonight. ;)

anyways, a few things--

-i love heather a lot.
-if you are in philly and you want to chill, i probably also want to chill.
-there's a fuckton of awesome shows coming up and you should go see them.
-no seriously. heather. iloveher.
-i'm tired.
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
1:00 am
the notwist.
Describe yourself: "I can`t reach the phone, can`t reach the light, that`s why I never, never wanna go from here."
How do some people feel about you: "Now he's trying the whole day to SWITCH off time by causing train-delay."
How do you feel about yourself: "I won't be tortured away/Cause I'm living here/With you"
How you feel about your best friend: "Now he`s always there/I can talk to him behind my door"
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: "You are no good/Cause I know you can`t sleep/Til you know your overbearance makes me creep"
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend/crush: "I count the letters of your name/I count the days 'til you are here again"
Describe your first true love: "And you're alone inside this head on your shoulders./And then you're hard to find."
Describe where you want to be: "I see your town, your house and you"
Describe what you want to be: "Could be enough/if only we are pilots/once a day."
Describe how you live: "No matter what we say, no matter what we think, we will never, will never leave this room."
Describe how you love: "I can talk of your eyes every day/Cause they don`t look old/And I never feel any cold"
Describe your mood today: "We are/satisfied/from monday til friday/and on sunday we cry."
Describe what you want: "never leave me paralyzed, love. leave me hypnotized, love."
Share a few words of wisdom: "Chemicals will hit you/Chemicals will knock you down"
Monday, September 5th, 2005
10:57 pm
HI. here's something vaguely amusing that i found.

would you!Collapse )

now that that's over with...

i felt weird today. i was at a cook-out and there were all these "normal" people there, talking about ap bio and homework and boys and tv and whatever. it was awkward. is that what people are like? are they normally such without enthusiasm? i want to talk with excitement about pesto and bathrooms and magic cards and beautiful pop albums and LOVE and strange friendship dynamics and the future of modern music. it's weird constraining oneself to being pedantic and I DON'T LIKE IT.

anyways. so, i'm going off to college in a matter of days. i'll be living with heather in a couple months. i like gro and goblins in legacy, anchorman is a very quotable movie, built to spill has been on my playlist a lot, i found a really good radio station to listen to on the way to and from work, and i love heather. such is life.

if anyone wants to contact me, my email is still ben@bengoodman.com and my phone number is still 9783024044. i'd love to talk to people even though i've been distant.
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
11:34 pm
> > > 30 days from today, cell phone
> numbers are being released to telemarketing companies
> and you will start to receive sale calls.
> > To prevent this, call the following number from your
> cell phone: 888/382-1222. It is the National DO NOT
> CALL list. It will only take a minute of your time. It
> blocks your number for five (5) years.
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
6:51 pm
but you're not here to make my sad songs more sincere
i will not be responding to text-based communications for a while. if you have a phone, you should probably have my number by now. if not, maybe ask one of my ljfriends, they probably have it.

4:49 am
and every time you cry i'll cry for you
then all these fields will turn into mud
and every time you smile i'll smile for you
in my dreams it goes this dubious day
waiting a year hereafter.

all in all... it's gonna be okay, i think.

even though i'm going to have a TERRIBLE day at work tomorrow. or today, as it were.
Monday, June 13th, 2005
12:09 am
i don't know either.
Saturday, June 11th, 2005
2:10 am
I had seven faces
Thought I new which one to wear
But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights
Training myself not to care
The subway is a porno
The pavements they are a mess
I know you've supported me for a long time
Somehow I'm not impressed

i'm a strange one, i am.
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