(thebuddhabelly)

(no subject)

How to play:
- Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile".
- I'll respond by asking you five questions to satisfy my curiosity.
- Update your journal with the answers to your questions.
- Include this explanation and offer to ask other people questions.

Questions from ImmlassCollapse )
(thebuddhabelly)

(no subject)

Cut for Spiritual ThemesCollapse )

Reading list for the summer is mostly nonfiction, but I've gotten in The Moon and Sixpence by Maugham who is slowly becoming one of my favorite authors- if only I could make myself get through Of Human Bondage without sinking into a funk.

Joined a local women's choir and am intending to audition for a second, so that will erase my Monday and Tuesday nights. Socialist meetings are Wednesday nights and I haven't yet decided if I want to keep attending, though I keep saying that and keep going, SO. Bow to the power of my resolve and my powers of I Have No Effing Time For This! CHURCH choir is on Thursday nights. That I may have to do half time if I do the other two or else I am looking at being totally fried by mid-October.
(thebuddhabelly)

(no subject)

Sitting alone in a dark room with a clicking microscope for 5 hours gives one a lot of time to reflect. Particularly on the "Why the hell am I doing this?" question. Something that I'm coming to realize as I work this summer is that science is becoming ridiculously specialized, to the point where much research actually becomes unintelligible and incompatible with the practical. I'm looking at how students are awarded Ph.Ds for designing bizarre little molecules that glow in ONE PARTICULAR instance, in one type of cell, in one type of reaction. I realize that people who study this one type of cell and this one type of reaction will find this invention extremely useful and fascinating, but I'm looking at this and thinking that it's just ridiculous.

The major problem that I have with science is that it is inaccessible to people who are not in science. I am not, generally, a believer in a priesthood of knowledge that has become the Ph.D. system in the basic sciences, and this happens mainly because research has become so particular and unintelligible and inpractical. Perhaps obscure research questions that seem to have little relevance outside of themselves are not incidences reserved for science, but I don't know.

What I think would be interesting would be an increase in science advocacy and increased efforts to do science that is translatable rather than obscure. More than that, I'd like to study science in an academic sense- study interactions of scientists and the language used by scientists when they are in the process of doing research, how scientists assess beauty in experiments and research. These are highly academic, but interesting questions to me, because I think studying these sorts of things will help gel the idea that science is a human activity, or an activity that is shaped by being human, and therefore it has common ties with other human activities. Say, painting.
(thebuddhabelly)

(no subject)

What the shit.

The last semester of my Junior year is SO NOT the time to convince me that my major ought to be vocal performance, because music tugs on my heartstrings and I might actually listen to you.

*headdesk*
(thebuddhabelly)

(no subject)

Who did you say you were?

Ah.

It didn't hurt as much as I thought.
I have orange bottles too.
I haven't tried to pry them open
with my teeth only,
until they break like
reeds beneath falling hail
beneath motor boats
and water skis
and manatees.
It didn't sting like hot water,
or frost. He knows, too,
because I haven't kept silent
with my mouth only.
Maybe with my eyes,
like shy singers
or rhetors;
keep the mirrors away
at their time of day.
It didn't occur to me before,
and I apologize.
I haven't done many things,
and I deserve less
than I have now,
like Jezebel
the white witch
a stray bitch,
but I have done this.
God, whose name I can't remember,
let the thing be right.
(thebuddhabelly)

(no subject)

About those letters I didn't send;
I wanted to tell you that I wanted to.
And before the conversation ends, again
I wanted to tell you that I thought of you,
but I said nothing.
It was easier,
because it's easier not to think at all.
Easier not to think of tight smiles and prayers
when one could think of absolutely nothing- at all.
I don't feel like rhyming anymore.
I don't feel like speaking,
so I write and write and write,
until all my words are written.
But wait, they didn't end there,
nor did they end with you.
I keep going and going.
Burning and burning;
Have you ever awoken in the morning on fire?
Possibly bursting into flame
in a way that can be described at best
as spontaneously?
(thebuddhabelly)

(no subject)

Stop sabotaging self,
slip sliding soon,
so see sniggering sunlight
streaming.
Sing, sing, sing sunlight!
Sigh, sister! sigh... sister...
So soon?
So seemingly stronger.
Such sentiments sting.
Sadly, sadly, sending
sister soon.
Said so.
say something.
Stay.
(thebuddhabelly)

(no subject)

I have been hiding waiting hiding,
since I turned thirteen,
since the bodylove dumped itself
into my veins and turned me
into a girl just when I had grown into androgyny.
And I have been hiding and waiting so long,
with such patience that I feel,
secretly, I deserve a nobel prize,
or at the very least, an emmy.
I am not any of these:
Ladies in waiting, pretty maids shuffling in rows.
The butcher,
the baker,
the candlestick maker,
I wouldn't have any of those.
Sometimes all I can do is hide,
until my toenails grow into the ground.
Sap hardens over my old wounds,
but I pretend they still are green
and fresh until I'm downed.