the art of knowing

Dear Nick,

5 years ago you asked me if I was just hanging out or if I wanted to be your girlfriend.

5 years I've been hanging out wanting to be your girlfriend.

I've waited in the bedroom, in the lounge room and in the kitchen. Waiting for you to notice me notice you.

I've fucked you just to feel noticed. I've waited just to feel loved. I've given everything into being this ghost unable to alarm you, feel angry, feel anything major so I wouldn't upset you.

I've put you first for years because I bravely waited for you to want to be with me.

I've watched you communicate with a smile and a huge amount of enthusiasm with other people. In reality I've only been in a relationship with you for 5 days.

You told me once, right at the start you wanted to be in a relationship because you wanted to meet new people.

I should of known right then and there that didn't mean me. That I was just a vessel for you to meet other people.

I think that you tried to love me and in your way you gave me of you what you could but sadly you are still at sea.

I once told you I couldn't love you because you were going to leave for TAS and when you didn't leave I let you in and I got comfortable next to you and I began waiting.

Sometimes I've felt the love on couches in front of TVs when we drank beer and spirits and you let me in. Those memories I will cherish more than you know.

I love that man you let out on couches across the country who is passionate and loud and loved by many.

If you ever see him return I'd love to see him too. Because I am in love with this man.


(no subject)

I am pretty sure i never want to work in a shopping centre again.

You subconsciously take in so many dead end turns you get confused in coles. Theres a hundred different identities chosen for you. Laid out for you to try on. It's annoying and its a giant fucking lie.

Today I saw a girl in this amazing layered black and i thought yep. Thats for me. Im done with red bubble. Threadless. The endless walking unconcious signs. Signs everywhere. Identity theft. Thats what this business is.

But im not reading them. I hope you are and you wake up soon.


(no subject)

Turn the clock to zero honey
Your memories broke what need have you for money
We're starting on a brand new day

Turn the clock way back
I think ill walk away from a chat
Starting on a brand new day.

Way back when you had all the dice but didn't throw them ever twice
Were starting on a brand new day
Way back then you noticed once that once was more than enough
We're thinking in a brand new way

red trilby

yonce yonce yonce....

driver roll down the partition please
driver roll down the partition please

as you can see we arent on our knees'
i'm bored of this tyranny and i want a change
come on now baby don't make it strange
oh baby oh baby did you bring some water
yeah baby oh baby drink it down
took me only 5 minutes to get all dressed up
do we even want to go to this club?

drink all of me
i just want to show you want i got
and what i got
see all clearly
i just want to show you want i got
and what i got is freedom baby, freedom baby, freedom baby

driver roll down the partition fast
driver roll down the partition fast
honey got poison in his glass
he doesn't seem to understand the rules
i am so over all the fools

come on honey honey its all over now
breathe baby baby its your life now
took me only 5 minutes to get dressed up
cause im my own person and im not dreaming now

talk if want but the cameras watching
freeze if you want but your hearts in action
gold isnt all it turned out to be
throw it away and see clearly

take all of me, i just want to share now what i got
cause what i got. is clear. baby.
i just want to share now what i got cause what i got is clearance baby.
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Being an orange in a sea of apples

I woke up crying again.

I wish more than anything that I had written down every piece of feedback. Every piece of advice. Every conversation I have had with the young people I work with.

They have outed me. They have picked at me one by one until I am vulnerable and then they have delivered the final blow.

Trust is a fical thing. You long for it. But in the end people are horrible.

They say we are all friends but people are horrible.

Never do I intend to upset or hurt other people but literally short of being a mouse I dont know how to come across in a way that wont hurt peoples ever apparent feelings.

sittin pretty

im really messed up today

I lost a link somewhere, somehow. again and I unfortunately can't stop looking for it.

I just want to be. But I can't because all these ideas are whizzing around my head, distracting me from what I need to do. Which is heal. And I can't today and I'm really angry.

Who's stupid idea was it for my quest to be fucking inner peace

Oh yeah, it was mine.

...2 days

just breathe and you will be home in 2 days.

i have that thing where i have too many lj's..

looks like the russians have skipped town. huzzah! that was the reason I stopped posting here mainly. because the russians came along.

needless to say, i have been doing quite a bit of catch up ranting on the spacebook, so its time to journal again. not a bad way to begin my new year.

so in june i left the bane and moved to newcastle. some of you might not be aware of that. i air travel up every now and again. it's easy and fun to do.

i resigned myself from desk work. 3 years and it was no longer giving me the satisfaction. being involved in govt organised crime really ticked a lot of boxes to get out in the end. but what a great way to leave, as now i am back at the books studying swedish massage.

and its been great, and i am learning much and really enjoying making people feel less intense. the class just had its first clinic night (which means we massaged the public) and i got lucky, and massaged a remedial massage student who'd just done 6 months. he thought i was going great guns, and thats no pun, i've been doing pilates and extend barre (ballet/pilates/cardio = bilates) and i've built some serious strength from pushing up my own 65kg weight for 10 weeks and rising to my toes too. gastrocenemius. its' fun to say, and now they could hurt people, much like a rock could. not that i intend to, but they are solid.

i also applied for, got interviewed and passed a sales trial to work at lush over the season. as one of the more ethical beauty and skin care shops around australia i'm pretty chuffed. they are incredibly innovative and passionate, and its been fun learning about the epidermis and how aromatherapy works in conjunction with skin and overall psychology of a person.

i imagine i will be selling a lot of pink things, which basically equals vanilla absolute - and lush is the first in the world to buy it fair trade. marvelous. but it will be interesting. there's also a great deal of mandarin power action happening in the holiday goods section and even a patchouli bomb, so lots of stuff. honey is also way big.

its coming up to nick and i's 2 year anniversary, not that its a huge deal. this is the first time i can honestly say that im still happy after 2 years of being with somebody. its a very exciting and bewildering thing for me to be able to be with someone and yet not die madly in love with them, and keep to just being me, which is awesome.

i produced and ran a burlesque show in october which was beyond successful, and now i am in the process of putting my feet up for a bit and watching shows while i mull over my creative orange juice. february is looking like my re-emergence month for dance and the fun and games of story time.

november see's me traveling by van to canberra to play jugger with the brisbane team and having another go with a fresh perspective. while ive enjoyed my solitude in newcastle, living in mayfield west n all, i'd really like to build something here, so i am looking to install the game into newcastle consciousness come next year, if not sooner and i definitely want to do it now.

life has stopped ordering me around, and ever since ive been offered a lot of choices and i made the most of it, which is fairly groovy.


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    le sleep shortly
bite ya!

February 14 remains to be seen

Whatever it is it's always about the ego
You tell me right now you gave someone something for no reason
fibbing takes a special kind of holiday to encourage outrageous belief in love

It's a day of self reflection for me personally.
My eyes betray thunderclaps as I set out to examine
I'm not mad because its Hallmark, I'm mad because you live like this.
Through booked holidays and outlined celebrations
It's all been marked out for you so you need not worry

Check out your lady friend here.
Enculturated into believing she deserves this
into feeling disappointed when she doesn't get anything
jealousy rules the playing field
The queen of hearts hits a whammy
Smack, didn't that bruise your ego

made to feel like this out of others feelings
realise my gift giving ways aren't quite as selfless as desired
but I never give thanks to a valentine who doesn't play up to the part
Because why treat someone that doesn't send shockwaves of positivity to your brain?
why care at all if it doesn't send you gaga.

I know what roses mean now
I walked into a florist and asked, anything purple?
"that's the weirdest inquiry I've had on Valentines day"
Well you see, its about the individual isn't it

Aren't you sure your friend wouldn't rather a red rose?

I rest my bony arse on this case.

Happy St Harlequins day.

Amaranth the unfad-able.