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23 October 2015 @ 10:55 pm

This journal is now closed (until further notice)

28 June 2012 @ 06:23 am
A while ago I decided to quit using my livejournal. For some reason I found this place suffocating. I felt pressured to be something in here, have people comment on my updates and make friends here. It became this stupid thing that had nothing to do how I felt in real life but for some reason it still had an affect on how I felt about myself in real life.

I am so glad that is over now.

I have now realised I don't need all that. I don't need random people online to make myself feel important or make myself feel noticed. I feel important enough in real life.

Amd I'm actually living the life I've have always dreamed of. I have seen and travelled the world, this is the 4th country I have lived in within 2 years. I am making the most of my life in the actual world and I'm finally feeling good about myself and the life I'm living.

Now I just need to have this journal for myself. To share my thoughts about my current life with my future self.

I thought long about doing this just for myself, but decided to go public in the end. I want to post this to public for few reasons. One of them being that I still have some friends here in LJ that might be interested to know what's going in my life. Also, I just wanted to have this all open, no hidden secrets anymore. Who ever comes across this journal and recognizes me from real life, I really don't care. I'm all out in the open now.

The actual point if this update is to celebrate my happiness in life and especially the people in it.

I had a looong talk with an really old friend of mine this night/morning. Yes, it's almost 6 am at the moment and I just called this old friend of mine who I hadn't talked in long time. It's weird to call him friend, because our relationship used to be so complicated back in the day. But we talked for 45 minutes and since I'm living abroad right now, I gotta say, it wasn't a cheap call to make. But it was so worth it.

I haven't felt so happy in long time. Not saying I'm not content here in this job, living away from my home country. I am, I truely am and this is what I want to do now and in the future. I have amazing people around me and I meet new ones every day. But it doesn't change the fact that sometimes I miss the people back home and especially in these moments.

Let's say the history between me and this friend of mine is long and complicated. We texted for few days this winter when I was already living abroad (in another country that where I am atm) but it was quite superficial. Now we really dug out some old deep stuff and layed it all out. But there was no hard feelings and I think we were both just enjoying the good memories and really feeling the extenct of our friendship and how far we have come. It's been freaking 9 years now, I can't even believe it.

I've known him since he was literally a small boy and now he's this young man. With all these new sides to him, but also still the same person. And worse, still those little things that I made him to be. Because yes, I did hurt him. I hurt him badly. And he admitted that it still affects his current relationships.

I just want so badly to fix him. Make all those things undone. Because he knows it and I know it. I ruined him in a way. I ruined him to trust any woman on this earth 100 % ever again. And that is the only thing I truely regret in my life.

But this post was not about me regretting that stuff. It was about me feeling good about him and this friendship we have.
Even though I have moved abroad, created new relationships and distanced myself from some old ones, there's still these few that just stick. The one's you cannot get rid of and the ones that still stay the same, no matter if we haven't talked in 6 months or seen each other even longer. The connection of 9 years just cannot be broken like that and it will always be there

Best part is that calling after many months of no contact what so ever, and especially me just cutting of that contact by not replying to messages due to redicilous reasons like not having the time to, we can still go back to how it used to be. Just normal. Like not a day passed by since we spoke to each other. And in a way even better, like we are in this new level of honesty and communication.

I really feel like this physical distance I have put in my life is actuallly benefitting me by gaining back the people I really need in my life.

I feel whole again.
I'm: : happyhappy