the only thing that's keeping me going is hope. hope that one day, through all of this, i will become a better person.
I wish there was a word or a color, that could sum up all of my feelings, into one thing. one simple thing, that someone could understand. the truth is though, that there is no color, no words, no letter, no picture, to describe that chaos that i have been dealing with.
put it this way. it's as if, i was standing in a room, and there were four walls. and in one day, my life blew up in my face. and all of those walls came crashing down, but there i was. standing in the middle, and as i turned, each wall crashed. and all i could do was watch the walls that were supporting me crumble. because for once, i couldnt do anything about it. i couldn't talk myself out of this one.
the incompetence of the people around me is staggering. im not sure how else to put this, but here i am stubeling, trying to land on my feet, a million times over. and over.
it's as if we're all meandering around the arctic ocean, on a glacier, floating so tightly together. but then the glacier breaks off into fragments. each person i know sinks and wont ever resurface. and soon, im standing alone on my broke shard of ice.
i cant figure it out.
but if this is the final means to an end, im going to live up to what i gave up. this sounds ridiculous, but my life differs from everyone elses in so many ways. most people dont go from monumental to miniscule due to one heart beat. but this one does.
one million different colors are going off in my head at the mear thought of how my life has taken a complete 360 in less than one day, and red lights are flashing at the idea of the future. red. why is it that it's red? for the first time im seeing so many things at one time i just cannot explain it, and im becoming mute from not being able to talk about it. with who? nobody can understand this. this is much too different than from what everyone else is concerned with right now.
the grass is really never greener on the other side, you just have to keep hopping around to keep the glow constant.
i was thinking today. why does this word even exist? people around you change, and so do your surroundings. some more than others. the music you listen to, the things you write, the news you read, the way youll think.
it changes. I figured out that Im built of change, I need this bounce and I need this impulse, but I dont need all these catalysts for it
Its times like now where I feel like the world is out to get me. That sounds ridiculous, but after every event in the last week, tunnel vision. And Im still here, on my own two feet, feeling like theres no one when my wall finally breaks.
I know there are, but this incompetence I keep facing is smacking me in the face. My parents have no idea what Im made of, my siblings cant even fathom it, especially my friends, my peers. none of them ever gave me a chance.
they dont know,
theyre not made of it.
nobody knows. Its entirety comes off as so ridiculous that it makes me laugh. Not the happy kind of laugh; the ironic laugh.
I keep develop these notions in my head consisting of pure adrenaline driven situations that I can attain, and Im entirely floored by it. Then I realize, I do live my life entirely in my mind, and it might not really exist to be thatenticing. And thats one of my pitfallsthinking so far out of the box.
People around me fuck up, like today, and yesterday, and the day before. I rip them to shreds in my mind, they never know. I feel like Ive explained my opinions on them, but reallythey have no idea. Its complicated to communicate let alone articulate.
And knowing this, I think about the people that I still have. And sad as it is to admit, Ill end up pushing them out of my life one day. The process of getting to know someone and figuring out everything about him or her mentally is a means to an end. Keeping them after I know where theyll end upseems illogical.
Right now i need to work out getting any ounce of emotion back and actually follow any impulse at all.
one thing set my mind back, something someone once said about losing innocence.
Not that kind of innocence.
a different kind of innocence; the innocence of mind.
The counter to innocence is experience.
And with experience comes knowledge. Once youve experienced somethinganythingyou cant go back, cant change. That innocence of not knowing is lost. But you can never go back, and there is where you have to accept changeand if you are lost in the past and can't accept and tinker with what you know at the present for the future...
then youre stuck in that same mind frame for the rest of your life.
You can't change what you know, but there are things you can accept and forget.
And there is what Ive reached.
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