Ava Gardner

I've been...

Seeing someone. It feels good to be touched and held again. To make breakfast with someone. To look up and see that he's looking at me. To smell him in my sheets. But the fact that I may have been rendered incapable of ever loving again hurts so much. I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's...
Ava Gardner

I wish I could do this again.

I feel censored on Facebook. Nobody wants to read a whiny status about being sick or feeling stagnant. I need an outlet!
I wish I could journal again. I'm mourning lost memories, which always makes me itch for paper. But notebooks become clutter and doing this on a 3 inch screen is a migraine waiting to happen.
Ava Gardner

Friday night

I'm being a gypsy tonight at work. I bought a Sally (nightmare before Christmas) costume but didn't love it and started altering it. Ugh. Too big of a task without a sewing machine. So yeah. Gypsy tonight. Maybe I'll be done with Sally by Monday.
Ava Gardner

I wonder if I remember how to do this.

I've been writing a lot again. On paper. It doesn't work too well... I'll buy a calendar thinking I'll just write little notes on how I feel that day, major events, whatever.
Then I lose it when we move up to the new apartment.
So I get another little journal. And I lose it. But I find my calendar while cleaning, but now there's not enough space in those boxes for what I need to document. So there's another journal, and another, and scraps of paper from whatever I think about on my night shifts.
I don't know why all that's important. I don't really think it is. It's a tangent. The point is, I've been writing songs, feeling poetic, emoting and littering my life with paper. I just kinda need to let it all out. And kill less trees in the process.
Which is funny, because I just found a site to print my lj with and it's 589 pages long. So far.

So I'm back. Maybe. I haven't committed yet.

P.S. Anonymous posters may be screened in the future. I got enough drama of my own to be dealing with any here from people who aren't honest enough with themselves to admit who they are when talking shit. :) So... Sign somehow.
  • Current Mood
    okay okay
Ava Gardner


Single. Terry did cheat on me. Never doubt a woman's intuition. And NEVER ever lie to her when she's RIGHT.

It just all slips away so slowly,
you don't even notice that you've lost a lot.
Been like one of those zombies in Vegas,
pouring quarters into a slot.
And now I'm tired and I am broke,
and I feel stupid and I feel used.
And I'm at the end of my little rope
and I am swinging back and forth around you.

Before it gets so cold that the rain turns to snow,
there's just a couple things I'd like to know
Like, how could you do nothing,
say "I am doing my best"?
How could you take almost everything
then come back for the rest?
How could you beg me to stay
reach out your hands and plead,
then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as I agree?
  • Current Music
    every sad song I know
Ava Gardner

I'm trying to keep this updated!!!

Okay, so I'm back in Massachusetts. Um... hopefully getting a job next week, Terry's already working, but temporarily staying with a coworker because he can't stand it here in my parent's house. I don't blame him. STRESSFUL. But we're trying!!
I'm trying... I've been scouring the internet, Barnes and Noble and the library to help improve my own personal situation, ie, I'm such a controlling bitch!! Blame a passive-aggressive, OCD, chronic depressed brain for that. Ahhh, happy pills shall soon be reentering my life, I think. So much the better. Helps counteract the estrogen bouncing from the Pill.
Isn't that funny? I have to take pills to counteract the side effects from other pills? God what is my issue? Of course, can't do much about it. Not having any more munchkins for a looong time.
Speaking of, Gavin is doing very well. He's got an amazing vocabulary (like a 4 yr old) and he's full of energy! He's picked up a couple nasty tantrum bits from the babysitter's little girl, but other than that, he's the sweetest 2 yr old ever!!!


Congratulations Amanda!! I miss you soooo much and I wish I could've been there. You were beautiful, I hope you guys are happy!
  • Current Music
    HP/Azkaban in the background