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Fist Yourself A Whole In My Chest [entries|friends|calendar]

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[15 Dec 2004|09:26pm]
Nothing too interesting happened today so be prepared for total and complete boredom throughout this next entry of mine. So theres only 2 days left of school *wooo* thats a relief, i dont know if im going to be going on friday though, i might just start my holidays a day early and catch a ride downtown. School ends at 12:00 anyways, which means I'd only be going to my morning classes and i really see no point in waking up quite so early to attend two classes of which arent even my major subjects. So yes, back to catching a ride downtown instead, i think thats exactly what ill do, i still have all my christmas shopping to do so ill just start on friday. Fridays also midnight madness at the mall and i promised id go with juliana, wow my friday is going to be pretty much waisted away at shopping centers, but im not complaining.
Today was Sams birthday, we suprised her during lunch with a bottle of whiskey under the bleachers =) It was great. We each had a few shots and then the bell rang so we were a little out of it for the afternoon classes. During drama I was convinced i could kick over everybodys heads which is very unlikely for me to be able to do. But i attempted it anyways, and horribly failed. Me and jacqui were talking about it and i went to kick over her head but i couldnt and i kicked too high and fell over, she laughed at me, i got defensive and said she probably couldnt kick over my head either. Ned overheard us speaking and he quickly added on that he could probably kick over my head with his knee, that made me sad. He always has to rub in the height issue, as do half of the people i know. Im 5'1. I will grow and seek revenge on all. I've already proven to a couple of people i hold a hard punch, and i will show more if they tempt me. ahaha. im really a nice person =)
That pretty much sums up as much of the day that I'm going to talk about, so catch you on my next post my lovelys! ahaha.

Byeee, love love love you all!
..Mandy <3

Behind The ScenesCollapse )
26 Fake Love Letters

[13 Dec 2004|09:22pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Well I really don't have anything to write about right now. Oh looky Zach just signed on he should be talking any second now.. yep i was so right. ahaha he just messaged me. So i'll shutup and continue on with what i was going to post. Bye my loves!!

My Name Means...Collapse )

2 Fake Love Letters

My LJ Wedding...-gasp!- [13 Dec 2004|11:45am]
My lj wedding by chynafox
you will marrynakedatthecomp
flower girl_____radareyes
best manprettie_drug
you will have your last fling withxcuntxxx
secretly wants to marry you themself___venom
date of the weddingOctober 12, 2022
number of times you do it on your wedding night66
Quiz created with MemeGen!

yeah i was bored... dont hurt me!
23 Fake Love Letters

Personality Disorder Test [13 Dec 2004|09:53am]
[ mood | lazy ]

Borderline:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

I swear these things lie, there never accurate.. I SWEAR!!
Fake Love Letters

No Key To Put In The Lock [13 Dec 2004|08:10am]
[ mood | isnt that face kinky shit? LOL ]

Thanks to mother dearest i wont be going to school {again} today because i stupidly lost my keys and she didnt come home last night, theres no way to lock the door and i'm not leaving it open all day long while i learn about absolutley nothing at school. So i guess that means im stuck here all fucking day until she decides to finally stumble through the door, damn her. I guess this is partially my fault for losing my keys, but she knew i didnt have them and she still didnt come home last night! What is this? and shes also suspose to be meeting with her new boss today which she cant miss and if she does ill hold this against her in many ways. Atleast until she does something else lame which then that would take its place. Dont get me wrong.. i love my mom more than anything, but i just hate how she acts incredibly immature sometimes, its really frusterating. So what to do all day while im home being extremely bored.. I sure as hell know im not going to be cleaning, i could still be sleeping, but myself hates me and wont make my day easy so it makes sure i stay up. I can tell now this is going to be a very long day from 7:06am to whenever i finally am able to fall asleep tonight, doing absolutey NOTHING until my mother decides to come home.. that is IF she decides to come home anytime soon. I guess i should make the best of this.. I'm hitting the kitchen >=D!!
Catch yah later my loves! -hugkisshughugkisss-

12 Fake Love Letters

I really dislike stupid people.... [12 Dec 2004|11:24pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I really hate it when you tell someone something in proper english and pronounciate every single word out for them and couldnt make it any clearer, yet they still dont get it. Why are people so stupid these days? Cant they just accept an honest answer and move on with their life? I don't find it that hard to do.. so why do they find it this difficult to understand? My god.. you people make me SO mad. But i wont put names into this because im such a nice person and all =)

11 Fake Love Letters

I Just Need To Get This Out [10 Dec 2004|10:45am]
[ mood | depressed ]

My step-dad really was a good person, that was until he hit the drugs.. then cocaine just took over. He had previously been sent to jail because of his drug-abuse and served about 10 years, but not only because of drugs.. because he took his aunts life. A couple days after his aunts husband past away due to cancer, he went insane.. or maybe he was always insane, he went to visit his aunt (with a gun) and shot her in the chest. His excuse was that he wanted to put her out of her misery, he obviously wasnt all with it, he pled insanity.. and they believed him. So maybe thats why he stoped taking his meds, he didnt really need them.. it was just a cover up for his fucked up actions because of drug-abuse. Then he met my mother, they were as happy as could be. My mothers life wasnt a bundle of joy, i guess i wasnt good enough for her.. she needed someone else, which is understandable most people are happier when they've got a significant other. My real father also was a druggie, a truely wonderful man until he did drugs, then he turned abusive.. my mother couldnt and wouldnt put up with it any longer so they split up, that was when i was 6. I never really liked Mark (my step-father) at first, but i guess i grew to like him.. we had some extremely fun times together, i actually do miss those moments.. just remembering the good times sitting on the couch the three of us watching a movie, laughing, enjoying ourselves..sorta brings tears to my eyes. Just when i thoguht everything was going good again, things changed.. my mom and mark started fighting.. a lot. Everynight..screaming, yelling, crying, putting eachother down, accusing eachother of cheating, i really wanted to just leave.. get away from it all. But i was too attached to my mother, you see we have a very close relationship, were not only mother and daughter, we're also friends. So i really couldnt just leave her, atleast i thought i couldnt.. i thought that would have made me the selfish one. So i stayed, i put up with it, i held it all inside and acted as if i heard nothing, as if it didnt happen. One night he went a little too far, i was sleeping, it was just them.. they were watching tv and then he decided to go to the kitchen i guess for a drink. But when he came back it wasnt a cup he held in his hand, it was a knife. He attacked my mom from the back and held the knife to her throat, he wasnt all together, he must of been on drugs.. he had the look of pure hatred in his eyes.. posessed, evil, scary. I woke up to the sounds of my mothers desperate screams of help, i didnt know what to do.. i started screaming begging for him to stop. I dont remember seeing blood. He did stop, he got up.. and walked out the door as if nothing had happened. The ambulance, cops, news reporters.. they all arrived, they told me she wouldnt make it to the hospital, as if i hadnt already had enough on my mind, they just had to make it worse. Well.. they were wrong, she did make it, she is alive and doing better, not emotionally but physically. Shes currently looking for a job, trying to get her life back on track, and guess what? her job interview was successful and she may be started on Monday. I guess all the traumatic things i've been through in my life are just now starting to build up, i cant hide it anymore, i cant hold it in.. i guess im not as strong as i use to be. Im constantly depressed, weak, getting headaches, crying, feeling sick.. I couldnt understand why. Why all the sudden am i feeling this way? all this stuff has happened a long time ago, why now is it affecting me.. why do i deserve this. I guess bad things really do happen to good people, or maybe im just not a good person. I really dont know what to think, but i do no i will not go see a counsillor those people dont help at all, they have no idea what your going through they only know what their books tell them. I dont believe someone who hasnt been through what your going through can properly understand your feelings, i need to talk to someone whos been through something similar to me just so i know im not the only one out there. I need to feel that confidence, re-accurance, trust? I dont know who to turn to though.. I try talking to my mom but that just turns into one big reunion of tears. I hate crying, i hate feeling this way, and i dont want to drag anyone down with me. Which is another reason why i hold this all in, i dont want to make anyone else feel depressed like i do. Maybe i should contact a doctor, let them diagnos me with something, maybe ill feel better then.. who knows. Ill probably suffer like this my whole life. I really cant handle the stress my moms putting on me though. I understand shes going through a rough time too, but she always takes everything out on me, later she regrets it, yes.. but thats not the point. She needs to understand shes not the only one having a hard time right now, sometimes she doesnt realize that.. i wont hold it against her. But i just wish she would see it.

Sorry for boreing you with my pathetic life story, i just had to get it all out..i hope you all dont hate me now because of it! ...

Xx..Mandy <33

2 Fake Love Letters

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