My step-dad really was a good person, that was until he hit the drugs.. then cocaine just took over. He had previously been sent to jail because of his drug-abuse and served about 10 years, but not only because of drugs.. because he took his aunts life. A couple days after his aunts husband past away due to cancer, he went insane.. or maybe he was always insane, he went to visit his aunt (with a gun) and shot her in the chest. His excuse was that he wanted to put her out of her misery, he obviously wasnt all with it, he pled insanity.. and they believed him. So maybe thats why he stoped taking his meds, he didnt really need them.. it was just a cover up for his fucked up actions because of drug-abuse. Then he met my mother, they were as happy as could be. My mothers life wasnt a bundle of joy, i guess i wasnt good enough for her.. she needed someone else, which is understandable most people are happier when they've got a significant other. My real father also was a druggie, a truely wonderful man until he did drugs, then he turned abusive.. my mother couldnt and wouldnt put up with it any longer so they split up, that was when i was 6. I never really liked Mark (my step-father) at first, but i guess i grew to like him.. we had some extremely fun times together, i actually do miss those moments.. just remembering the good times sitting on the couch the three of us watching a movie, laughing, enjoying ourselves..sorta brings tears to my eyes. Just when i thoguht everything was going good again, things changed.. my mom and mark started fighting.. a lot. Everynight..screaming, yelling, crying, putting eachother down, accusing eachother of cheating, i really wanted to just leave.. get away from it all. But i was too attached to my mother, you see we have a very close relationship, were not only mother and daughter, we're also friends. So i really couldnt just leave her, atleast i thought i couldnt.. i thought that would have made me the selfish one. So i stayed, i put up with it, i held it all inside and acted as if i heard nothing, as if it didnt happen. One night he went a little too far, i was sleeping, it was just them.. they were watching tv and then he decided to go to the kitchen i guess for a drink. But when he came back it wasnt a cup he held in his hand, it was a knife. He attacked my mom from the back and held the knife to her throat, he wasnt all together, he must of been on drugs.. he had the look of pure hatred in his eyes.. posessed, evil, scary. I woke up to the sounds of my mothers desperate screams of help, i didnt know what to do.. i started screaming begging for him to stop. I dont remember seeing blood. He did stop, he got up.. and walked out the door as if nothing had happened. The ambulance, cops, news reporters.. they all arrived, they told me she wouldnt make it to the hospital, as if i hadnt already had enough on my mind, they just had to make it worse. Well.. they were wrong, she did make it, she is alive and doing better, not emotionally but physically. Shes currently looking for a job, trying to get her life back on track, and guess what? her job interview was successful and she may be started on Monday. I guess all the traumatic things i've been through in my life are just now starting to build up, i cant hide it anymore, i cant hold it in.. i guess im not as strong as i use to be. Im constantly depressed, weak, getting headaches, crying, feeling sick.. I couldnt understand why. Why all the sudden am i feeling this way? all this stuff has happened a long time ago, why now is it affecting me.. why do i deserve this. I guess bad things really do happen to good people, or maybe im just not a good person. I really dont know what to think, but i do no i will not go see a counsillor those people dont help at all, they have no idea what your going through they only know what their books tell them. I dont believe someone who hasnt been through what your going through can properly understand your feelings, i need to talk to someone whos been through something similar to me just so i know im not the only one out there. I need to feel that confidence, re-accurance, trust? I dont know who to turn to though.. I try talking to my mom but that just turns into one big reunion of tears. I hate crying, i hate feeling this way, and i dont want to drag anyone down with me. Which is another reason why i hold this all in, i dont want to make anyone else feel depressed like i do. Maybe i should contact a doctor, let them diagnos me with something, maybe ill feel better then.. who knows. Ill probably suffer like this my whole life. I really cant handle the stress my moms putting on me though. I understand shes going through a rough time too, but she always takes everything out on me, later she regrets it, yes.. but thats not the point. She needs to understand shes not the only one having a hard time right now, sometimes she doesnt realize that.. i wont hold it against her. But i just wish she would see it.
Sorry for boreing you with my pathetic life story, i just had to get it all out..i hope you all dont hate me now because of it! ...