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Susannn AKA @motelcowboy

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Why must everyone around me be lame? [Dec. 29th, 2011|01:12 am]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
[Current Music |Eisley - Memories | Powered by Last.fm]

In the spirit of my therapy, I'm journaling my feelings.

I'm mad. Angry. Hurt. Betrayed.

If someone has a problem with me, I'd love it if they were to say it directly to my face. I may tweet random little PO'd things about my family, but I do that to avoid starting a bunch of unnecessary drama. I've gotten into huge arguments with my younger sister in law because I stood up for my husband when she started attacking him. I will fight to the death to defend him, especially when people make ridiculous accusations about him. But fighting about a tweet that reads thusly:

Just because your cat isn't skittish doesn't mean he enjoys your kid screaming at him, chasing him around, and scaring him! #poorkitteh

Relatively harmless, eh? No calling the kids names, saying that they're any number of things I could call them, criticizing anybody's parenting, or saying ANYTHING insulting. Heck, I didn't even say it was anybody in particular. If anything, it was me being frustrated at someone who told me to shut up and not worry about their cat. Sorry, but when I have a fur baby of my own and I want other people to treat their pets like part of the family rather than just like animals, I'm going to get just a little upset when I see people treating their pets like crap.

Apparently, it wasn't harmless. My older sister in law decided to take it personally and attack me with such ferocity that was insanely unnecessary. She called David upwards of 20 times, each time getting lower and lower with the blows she was delivering. She acted as though I had insulted her children, her parenting, and everything about her. What's worse? She got my younger sister in law, who has never exactly warmed up to me, into the fight, and she started saying things that were even WORSE. She started attacked me for not being around their parents' house all the time [I work 40 hours a week, mostly in the evenings], for never rebuilding the bridges, for creating rifts between the family... then older sister in law started in on my job choice. She said that I should go back to school and get a REAL career, rather than "just being a waitress". This coming from the girl [who I refuse to call a woman, considering how she's been acting] who has uprooted her two boys from their lives in Austin to move down here so they can live with my in laws while she goes to school. She doesn't realize how much of a strain that's going to be on them [both the boys AND my in laws] because she isn't thinking about other people in this situation.

She's homeschooling the older one because she felt he wasn't getting a good education at the school he was attending. Problem was, it was the ONLY form of discipline the kid was getting - he had structure, which is something he really needed, and he had FRIENDS. Ever since she pulled him out of school, he's become FAR worse in his behavior [he's been getting really aggressive with his younger brother, has begun whining more, has started lying so much that he makes Eric Spinn look like a saint] - really, because the kid doesn't take his parents seriously [they threaten to spank the boys, but NEVER follow through - how can you take that seriously?].

Anyways.

It's annoying, frustrating, and angering. I want to be able to shake her and scream at her how she's failing in her attempts to tear apart my marriage and my relationship with my in laws... but I can't. So, until she can wise up on her own, I'll just let her be miserable.
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My therapist told me to start journaling. [Dec. 22nd, 2011|03:29 am]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
[Current Mood |pensivepensive]
[Current Music |Imelda May - Feel Me]

I find this rather humorous, because I used to do it all the time. From the time I'd first gotten an LiveJournal when I was, like, 15, up until a couple of years ago, I pretty much kept a daily online record of my thoughts, feelings, and everyday goings on. I went back and read a lot of this a little bit ago and have officially kicked myself for stopping. Maybe the reason why I was getting better with my moods and my feelings about myself was because I had an outlet for it? Granted, it was in the form of a desktop computer and a LiveJournal client, but still - it gave me the chance to get it out of my system in a healthy manner rather than bottling things up.

Uhm. So.

Should I talk about my day? What happened? How I felt? I feel weird doing this here and not to my therapist.

Well. I guess the only thing I can think of is what a customer did for me today. She was wearing a Buc-ee's hoodie and I told her how much I love the Buc-ee's products and how I'd seen a girl in the mall wearing one of the Buc-ee's reindeer shirts. I told her the story about how my dad loved the idea of putting reindeer noses on all the deer crossing signs he saw whenever we went on roadtrips and how we'd look for them whenever we were driving. It had such an influence on me that, even to this day, I still look for red noses on the deer crossing signs as some sort of cosmic sign that my dad's doing OK. Yes, I know, he's been dead for nearly 10 years. Yes, I know, I'm never going to receive some sort of sign from the universe or whoever's up there that he's OK because that's just not how things work.

Anyways.

She lifted her hoodie to reveal that she was wearing the reindeer shirt. I told her I loved it and went along my merry little way.

About 20 minutes later, I was standing in front of the seating chart board in front of the 200's when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the girl in the Buc-ee's hoodie, holding her shirt in her hand. She told me how the story about my dad had really touched her and she wanted me to have her shirt. I'd have to wash it, she said, since she'd just been wearing it, but it was 100% mine.

It's really the little things that get me these days. Whether it's something as kind as what that Buc-ee's girl did, or something like a customer leaving a $20 tip when you think they're going to stiff you, I find myself far more affected and appreciative of the little things that have been happening lately. As a result, I'm trying very hard to do little things for people, like do stuff for David to make his life easier, or run someone's food whenever they're in the weeds. The whole "do unto others" philosophy, y'know?

I think, as a result of me trying to do the small things that sometimes go unnoticed, I've been hoping that people will... do the same for me? Maybe as some gesture of appreciation? It's not like I"m pulling a Dwight Schrute and purposefully doing things so someone can "owe" me. I just want people to be able to stop focusing on themselves for at least a short period of time and see what they can do for others.

It's getting late, I'm very tired, and I have no idea what else to say. I guess I should just do this everyday... right? Maybe it'll help get me back on track.
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(no subject) [Mar. 19th, 2011|08:56 pm]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
[Current Mood |busybusy]

This is to prove I still have a LiveJournal.

BWAHAHAHA!
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my love affair with texas country and why i'm losing faith in it [Oct. 19th, 2009|01:15 am]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
[Current Music |Reckless Kelly - Ragged as the Road]

I was introduced to the Texas country genre in April 2007 on my first trip to College Station, TX. I learned how to two-step to the song "Wear My Ring" by Bart Crow Band at Midnight Rodeo, located in the heart of Northgate and immediately fell in love with the unique blend of rock, country, blues, and swing. I began to listen to artists like Reckless Kelly, Ryan James, Cory Morrow, Aaron Watson, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Roger Creager Randy Rogers Band, and Wade Bowen almost obsessively and learned nearly every song on every album by heart. I was twitterpaited with hearing Willy Braun sing that he was never getting over Jolie, amazed listening to the energetic fiddle playing of Brady Black, and in awe of the guitar stylings of Grady Cross. Each song had the same basic theme -- "We're hard-working people just like you, and we want you to listen to what we've built our lives on."

Now, before my introduction to Texas country, I'd listened to a wide variety of genres -- oldies when I was a young girl, pop when I was an adolescent, indie-alternative as a teenager... I'd even had stints with the "emo" and hardcore genres when I went through a very brief goth phase as a sophomore in high school. Never before, however, had I ever found a genre that established such a connection with its listeners and made a conscious effort to reach out to its fan base. With Texas country, it wasn't about the celebrity of it -- it was about the music.

Since then, I've been through quite a few changes in my life. My long-term relationship ended, I changed jobs quite a few times, I made and lost friends, I went through a "party-hard" phase that contained quite a few nights of binge drinking... and I've come out on the other side a completely different person. Through it all, the one thing that remained the same was the music. It was there for me as my best friend when I felt like everyone else deserted me, and it kept me sane through the times that I needed it the most. Even if everything else in my life failed me, Texas country was the one thing I could lean on. The artists always loved and respected the fact that I was one of their concrete fanbase -- rather than being the girl who was there just to look cute and get the guys, I was there to listen to my favorite artists and let them know how huge of an impact their music had on me.

In September, I saw Bart Crow Band, my first love in Texas country music, for the sixth time. My connection with Bart Crow was established the first time I saw them. I'd messaged the band on MySpace letting them know that I'd be at their concert at the Executive Surf Club and expressing my love for their music. After the concert was over, I went up to Bart, the band's namesake, and told him how much I'd loved their performance. He thanked me graciously and asked my name. When I told him, a look of excitement came over his face. "Susan from MySpace?!" He exclaimed, leaving me stunned and happy that he would remember me from one simple thing. That was my first experience with connecting with an artist, and it gave me high hopes for the rest of the musicians I would meet.

At the concert in September, my boyfriend, a friend of mine, and I stood in front and sang the songs back to the band. Towards the end of the set, Bart began to tell the audience how thankful he was for his success, how much he loved his wife and his God, and how grateful he was for the fans who loved his music. Not five minutes later, a blonde girl came up to the stage, stuck out her chest, and smiled at Bart. His eyes immediately wandered down, and he was history. After the concert was over, the girl began to flirt with the very married Bart Crow, saying, "You should call me!", all while his eyes were completely transfixed on her chest and the other fans were ignored. He gave her a pen and paper to write down her cell phone number, and my faith in Bart was lost. This was the man that I'd met so long ago, even before he'd gotten married, before the band's success and impending release of a third album.

A few weeks later, when my boyfriend and I went to see Wade Bowen, I took a step back and looked at the crowd surrounding us. A good majority of the girls had on miniskirts or shorts and cowboy boots, expensive shirts that made the most of their non-existent cleavage, perfected makeup and hair, and noses high in the air. They made sure that everyone around them knew that they spent a great deal of money on their clothes and they were going to look down on anyone who got in between them and their chance to be all over Wade Bowen or the opening act, Zack Walther and the Cronkites. I'd never been a fan of the cliche country girl look, but when it dawned on me that this is what the Texas country scene is now about, I began to view it in a hostile light.

I honestly believe that a good majority of the artists on the scene today forget who their fanbase is. They forget the reason they sell albums, the reason they sell tickets, is because of the people who know the ins and outs of their playing rather than what the artists look like. They forget that the whole reason they're playing for a crowd of sorority girls and frat boys in the first place who only know the artist's songs is from the reason is because of people like me -- people who aren't interested in trying to make fools of themselves for the sake of looking "cool". The entire philosophy of the genre is to separate itself from its parent genre of Nashville country and establish a connection with the fans based on the music, rather than the fame. You won't find someone like Scott Wiggins playing at a huge arena in Dallas because that's not how the band views itself. You won't find someone like Aaron Watson sneaking off into a corner with some trashy cliche cowgirl right after telling the crowd how much he loves his wife. It's sad, however, that certain acts are the exception rather than the rule.

I've found more and more that the artists are devolving into what they hate -- celebrities. They have gone from being thankful for having fans singing their songs back to them to being played alongside Nashville acts like Taylor Swift and Toby Keith. They have taken the fans who have made them who they are for granted, and the fans are not happy. Those who bought the albums from the very beginning are becoming wary of supporting artists who can't be bothered anymore.

I feel as if my music, my Texas country, my one constant for nearly three years, has been bastardized into something it never thought it'd be. I, as a devoted fan, am incredibly thankful for acts like Aaron Watson who never seem to forget that it's not just him that's achieving the success, it's his band, his fans, and his family that are achieving it, too. I long for the time when the venues weren't packed to the gills with fairweather fans who only know a few songs from the radio and are more concerned about garnering as much attention from the opposite sex as possible than they are about the music they're listening to. I wish I could go back in time, re-live all the concerts I went to when the artists were grateful to speak to someone who had so much love and respect for what they did for a living that they couldn't help but gush, and take in more than I did. However, it is the absence of these things happening now that make me cherish the memories I have even more. I want to believe that Roger Creager is still a good ol' boy from Corpus Christi and Randy Rogers hasn't become too big for his britches. I wish I could believe it.

Until then, I will only give up on my scene if Reckless Kelly fails me like everyone else on the scene has, too. You're the only thing I've got left, guys. Please don't fuck it up for me.
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2009|06:18 pm]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -- Neil Gaiman
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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2008|07:48 pm]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
[Current Mood |nostalgicnostalgic]

as i'm sure you all know, i have a torrid love affair with the TV show "house md". it is, by far, one of the most interesting, captivating, and glorious shows i've ever seen. i didn't start watching until about season 3, but i have still managed to watch [almost] every single episode, whether it be on tv or via download.

usually, their storylines don't particularly hit me. i mean, sure, i can relate to the whole medical issue thing because of all the times i've been to the doctor, but i always kind of finish the episode on a note of, "... eh." tonight's episode, however, successfully made me cry. yes, i'm a girl, but i also have a tendency not to cry at tv shows at the drop of a hat.

tonight's house, however, dealt with what i like to call... daddy issues. now, anyone who knows me at ALL knows that i am rampant with daddy issues. my father died suddenly when i was 15 years old from a heart attack, and it took me years to come to terms with it. it wasn't until recently that i finally stopped blaming myself and feeling that i was completely and entirely responsible for his death -- and, believe me, it's a huge load to take on at 15 years old.

house always has a certain loathing for relating to members of his family, especially his father. if i'd seen this episode about four years ago, i would be a wreck right now -- i highly doubt i'd be able to even form a coherent sentence right now, much less sit down and write an entry. but now, since i have finally been able to relieve myself of those feelings of guilt, i am able to reflect on things in a much more mature sense that i ever could have.

believe me, i miss my father. but i cannot even begin to express how happy i am that he is in a better place, no matter what you believe.
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these are fantastic. and yummy. fantastically yummy. [Sep. 11th, 2008|08:54 pm]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
[Current Mood |fullfull]

I made something rather fantastic earlier.

and you should look.Collapse )
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(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2008|11:59 pm]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
i didn't get in.

you read that right.

susan turpin didn't get in to texas A&M.





FAIL.
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(no subject) [Mar. 3rd, 2008|12:57 pm]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
i'm feeling better, in case anyone particularly wanted to know.

i'm gonna go to the gyno soon to get on that yaz stuff -- this can't be my depression if it's only the week before my period. i'm fixing this no matter what. i'm still getting help, but really... this makes more sense.

going back hoooome now.
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(no subject) [Feb. 5th, 2008|08:16 pm]
Susannn AKA @motelcowboy
[Current Mood |blahblah]

You've got a heart that's broken and a will that's given up
A cynical mind and a soul that's worn and rough
You're a fighter, no one can get the best of you
Don't let 'em stay to close that's why you play every man for a fool

I don't care you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again

How are you gonna fall if you don't take that leap
You live in fear, fear of lovin' me
And I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up on you
Because you'll never change and
Givin' your heart away is one thing you won't do

I don't care you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
was only tryin' to show you how to love again
love again.....

I don't care you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Love again.......
Love again.......
Love again.......
Love again.......
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