A Second Glance

Tonight I realized that I hadn't checked our mail box in a while, yet I'd been sending out countless Christmas cards in the hopes that people would send me money for my Vera fundraising efforts. I checked the mail, and was completely overwhelmed. There were three letters, all with checks for Vera inside. One from Teresa and Ken (her fiance), one from PetraPeterBob, and one from Chuck. Between the three of them I received $95 for Vera!! Holy Shit! I am so excited and grateful it's unbelievable!! Now I have $168 out of the $200 I need to raise by the end of the year. That means I only need $32, which is going to be cake. It feels so good to have put in a real effort and have people respond with gifts far greater than I could ever have hoped for. I am writing hand-written thank you letters (no cards) to everyone who donated, along with a mix cd of bands that have played at Vera. It's taking a while so far, but it's definitely worth it.

SUCH A GOOD DAY.

i came to be the music

i found it interesting, to say the least, that band of horses has a song called "st. augustine" that includes the lines "we're dancing on the poisoned in their graves/ at the end of the night we've all seen better days/ i know you tried/ i know you're cursed/ i know your best was still your worst/ when hollywood was calling out your name/ st. augustine"
couldn't have said it better myself, name included. afterall, he was named after the saint who said something to the effect of "chastity and continence...but not yet."

moving on, i promise.

it's been really, really good to see old friends friends lately. something about getting back to your roots, or where you came from, except it's less about the place and more about what those people meant to you, and evidently still mean. they mean a lot. in fact, it's easy to forget sometimes when you get caught up in life but the past few days have reminded me of what it means to just care about someone. so much so that it genuinely feels really wonderful just to be around them. it's sort of hard to explain, but it's been my saving grace the past few days because work has been hellish and everyone else in the house has gone home for the holiday. so, thanks guys:)

work sucks right now, that's all there is to it. i hate the people that come into the store, i hate that my co-workers in the lab are so fucking incompetent, i hate that people have finally come to visit me at work and i can't sit around and chat because there are a million people with a million asinine questions in the store. sorry. i normally like work, it's just that the holidays make everyone stupid which, in turn, makes me frustrated beyond belief. the good news is that there's only a few days left and then it's back to normal. i just have to make it through christmas. end rant.

also, there's no way i'm going to be able to get my michigan application in on time, so i'm going to wait until next year. maybe it's better, in the long run. i'll have the rest of the year to get good letters of recommendation, study for the GRE (fuck you standardized tests), and write a legit personal statement. it'll work out.

i'm sort of really getting serious about flying to key west for my birthday. i'm not sure how i would afford to go, but at least i can stay with barry and make him feed me, so i'd mostly just have to pay for a plane ticket. even for a couple days, sun and sand and my best friend sounds really good.

i'm so tired. it's friday night and i want to be out at the program (blue scholars) show tonight but it's expensive and i work again tomorrow morning. bleh. maybe tomorrow night? cancer rising is playing that one and i haven't seen them in ages.

i got some amazing things today at the $1.50 japanese store that i discovered in the mall today. it's the greatest store of all time. i got my christmas present for meghan and tiff, found us cool container things to put on the wall to replace our ghetto cardboard mail slot things, i got a bunch of crap i don't need but was so awesome i couldn't resist. this includes a kleenex holder with apples on it that says "apple on a table" on one side, and "it eats the fruit of the orchard" on the other side. i also got a matching money tin/piggy bank thing, colored electrical tape, cheap cd cases for the mix cd's i owe the people who gave me money for vera, a whale tie as a joke for my dad, and pretty wrapping paper.

goodnight.

p.s. thank you back-cracker, i felt so much better today!

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meghan and i just watched knocked up. for some reason i like that movie a little more each time i watch it, which is weird because usually it goes the other way around. i didn't really like it at all the first time i saw it, but this time... i don't know. it gets less cheesy every time? maybe.

i'm excited to see ben and adam and justine and spencer. i think i need to get back a little bit of that. whatever it was that we've all always had (not collectively, mind you, but myself with each of them).

i could use a day to relax in the harbor. i could really, really use that. i want to lay on a dock for hours and do nothing but stare at the sky. god that sounds good.

i need to fucking register for the GRE's. i keep putting it off and that's bad. my application is due january 15th! holy shit.

revisiting bright eyes, makes me think of high school.

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1. hung out with james and cassie tonight. it was pretty boring, but good to be around them. they're good people.
2. i have the day off tomorrow!
3. brooklyn and i are going to shoot some night photos at golden gardens on thursday. apparently he lives near there? should be interesting.
4. sabzi is beautiful.
5. printed my christmas cards today and they are awesome! again, if anyone wants one (which you should), give me an address and i'll send you one. if you don't want to post your address here, email it to me at meganw@spu.edu. cool.

crow jane quit me and i just can't cope

things have been going pretty well recently, and the abundance of mail has helped. on saturday the ipod/usb cable i bought came (the assholes who broke into our house stole the mine and meghan's cables), so we've been able to utilize scott's computer a little more. also on saturday my dice came in the mail. i had started making a scribbage set for mary (gus's sister) because she had asked for one over the summer, but writing on spray-painted mini dice wasn't working, so I ordered real blank dice online. They are pretty, the set looks pretty, and i even found a real hourglass at a game store on queen anne with the right 3-minute time limit and everything. I plan on mailing it tomorrow. I also need to mail spencer's package tomorrow.
ALSO: i'm going apeshit with christmas cards this year because it's part of my ploy to raise my $200 for the member challenge for VERA. SO, if anyone wants a Christmas card, which, let's be honest, you know you all do, then give me an address and i will send you one. i'm making the image for the front tonight and printing them tomorrow at work. they will be great. give me addresses please!

on a side note: i used to have a crush on this boy who works at recycled cycles and when i would go in we would chat and he was nice and cute, but i was dating gus so i didn't think much of it. recently i'd been thinking about going in to visit, then last night my roommates friend came over and brought the aforementioned boy because he is her boyfriend. damn.

i'm going to ask my parents for glasses for christmas because my vision has gotten a lot worse since i lost my last pair a couple years ago. hopefully they're into it.

money changes everything

things have been getting better. i got my ct scan today so i can finally get my teeth implants, i'm studying for the GRE's, and i've been getting out. last night i went to the u.s.e./kay kay show. i went alone but ended up running into a ton of people i knew, and from all different areas of my life. i ran into sarasue, and jesse who i met when i met gus, and karalee from school, and james keblas (seriously, if he was ten years younger i'd be madly in love with him), meinert, kate becker, mooter, frey and liz. it was pretty great. i feel a little strung out from not getting any sleep for the past week or so, but that's okay. i'm done with the quarter, so from here on out it's just work and the GRE's, and the rest of my application for michigan.
i got chuck's package in the mail and it was simultaneously rad and weird. there was an awesome wisconsin scarf that i plan on wearing all the time, a geode that he bought at some geology museum, some envelopes with my return address on them (and rancid logos), a map of his campus (which is actually about to go on my wall next to the king county bicycle trail map), and a small bag of condoms. i'm not sure what the deal is with the condoms, it's not something i'd expect from chuck, and i'm certainly not going to be using them...so what the fuck.
at any rate, things are good.

my goals for the rest of december: get through the entire GRE manual, take the test, finish my graduate school application, mail that fucker in, set a date for my jaw surgery, make/mail christmas cards, and hang out with ben and adam (yeah that's you meeks!) and justine and spencer.

i would like to point out how awesome my roommates are. kyle and tiff invited some friends over tonight to play "magic: the gathering" and they have been playing for a couple of hours now in our dining room while listening to cindy lauper and drinking hard cider. so great.

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i finally got jordan's email address, bit the bullet, and emailed him about the craigslist post from the summer. i felt like i was finally in a place where i could deal with whatever he had seen in a healthy way. also, my promise/threat to never talk to gus again would prevent me from making a potentially regrettable phone call. jordan's response was so eloquent and thoughtful and nice in every possible way. he did everything right given the situation and i'm not sure i'll ever be able to convey how much his effort meant to me. but the short of it is that gus cheated on me. he cheated on me after i came back from camp, he cheated on me with lilly (a girl who i despise anyway and who also slept with his brother), and he lied about it when i asked him what jordan could have seen (before we broke up). i'm upset, to be sure, i'm very upset. no matter how "over" we are, he lied in a huge way, and hurt me even more than i initially thought. i guess the problem now is that i don't know what to do. i'm very sure that calling him would be a bad idea, but i want him to know that i know what he did because he still thinks he got away with it. i want him to know how horrible he was/still is. i just want him to know that i know. i also know that this will most likely not help me. it will make me upset to talk to him, and what will i gain from getting mad at him all over again? nothing. i know i should just sleep on it, think about it tomorrow and go from there, but i also know that i am going to have a really hard time getting to sleep tonight.
how can people do this to other people? how do people have the capacity to recklessly hurt others?
i'm really thankful that jordan was sensitive enough to know what he was seeing, know it was wrong, and had the presence of mind to do something about it. i think he says it best:
"i was really and truly upset by what i saw that night. and it's not just because i'd met you before and thought you were nice, and it's not just because of the tawdry, comic sleaziness of how they looked together, but really, because i'm terribly sensitive when it comes to interpersonal cruelties, and i felt quite sure i'd just witnessed a flagrant one."

ugh.

leave me impressed and then put me to sleep.

tonight i had more fun than i've had in a really, really long time. i went to see portugal the man (i don't like the period in the middle of their name because it messes with the structure of any sentence) but didn't have anyone to go with so i just headed up alone. i get there and see mark and danny in line so i jump in with them. they guy at the door wouldn't let me bring my camera in (which is the main reason i went to the show in the first place), so mark and danny walk me back to their car so i can keep my bag there during the show. then we go in and have a rad time at the show, portugal was amazing, and it was good times. portugal is the first band i've seen jam on stage where i haven't been really annoyed that they're not just playing their songs normally. it doesn't hurt that i have a big enormous (repetitive) crush on the bassist. after the show we somehow fit my bike in the back of danny's car, find parking on the hill and go to linda's for a little bit. mark and i are both pretty awkward about being in bars because we don't drink, but it was pretty fun. those two are ridiculous and i had so much fun just running around with them, climbing on random buildings and yelling crazy things. danny gave mark and i rides home and it was fun to spend some time with him one on one after we dropped mark off. danny is someone i've known from a distance since freshman year, but i've never really hung out with him. and mark, well, if he weren't dating kelsey then i'd probably be smitten with the kid. overall they're just nice guys and it was great to get out and have fun. relatively uninhibited fun. good clean fun. i need to do this more often. especially with those guys.

portugal was great, by the way.